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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving in with my partner

229 replies

Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 17:27

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

OP posts:

LetsPlayDarts · 08/01/2020 17:31

A year seems pretty quick to think about a mortgage and moving in together. Can you leave it a bit?

I'd be very hesitant to move away so far...it seems like you and your DC's are the ones doing the compromising here.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2020 17:32

After only being together a year, I wouldn’t uproot your boys from the school and nursery they’re settled in, especially if it was tricky for them to start with.

I’d wait for now.

LetsPlayDarts · 08/01/2020 17:32

Plus, do your DC have contact with their father? And if so, where does he live?

Wildorchidz · 08/01/2020 17:34

Just don’t.
Put your children first.

Original poster

Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 17:36

I appreciate your reply thank you. In an ideal world we would indeed wait. However my partner is going to be 40 next year and is desperate to be a father. He is already older than he wanted to be when thinking of being a dad and tbh I wouldnt want to be having children too late myself as I had some complications after my second birth. So we dont massively have the luxury of time in that respect. Thank you again for replying

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2020 17:38

So you’re willing to put the needs of your children in second place so you can conceive a new one with this guy?

ohwheniknow · 08/01/2020 17:41

So not only is the relationship moving way too fast but he's trying to move you away from your family and support network.

Nope.

Your existing children come first. If he loves you as much as you and he say and wants to be a positive presence in their lives then he would be putting their best interests first. Which would not involve uprooting you all.

Why do you not have anyone else to talk to about this? Why are you feeling stressed? Why confused?

What was your previous relationship like? What role does he have in the children's lives?

Glitterb · 08/01/2020 17:41

If it doesn’t feel right for you then don’t do it, you will regret it. It all seems very rushed because his biological clock is ticking, you need some compromise

FruitcakeOfHate · 08/01/2020 17:42

Absolutely NOT! Just one year? NO. No way. Your children must always come first, followed by you and your life. Uprooting your kids for a boyfriend/unmarried partner is a bad idea and even more so to go and live in a house that's his and none of yours - you risk homelessness.

'It's not the time to be moving in together. We'll need to carry on as we are for now.'

I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family.

Get a grip here! He's a boyfriend of only 1 year. If I had a quid for every woman I've seen on here who allowed her desires for this fantasy blended family with new babies override good sense and the children who are here's needs over the years I'd be rich.

You need to take a HUGE step back from this, HUGE, before you allow yourself to be bamboozled into something really stupid.

Moving into his house is not a 'new life' for you and your kids, it's increasing your potential for homelessness and isolating yourself and them from vital support.

Original poster

Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 17:43

As for my children's father yes he is a part of their lives. They see him every weekend. He lives about 20 minutes away currently. He isn't the most positive influence in their lives but I still want them to maintain a good relationship and wherever we end up would make sure he still sees them every week as usual.

OP posts:

userabcname · 08/01/2020 17:44

I wouldn't move my child's school again, no. I think you either need to find a compromise where you live somewhere your child can stay at the same school or continue living separately.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2020 17:45

I still want them to maintain a good relationship and wherever we end up would make sure he still sees them every week as usual.

That’s easy to say but much less easy to do if you’ve moved miles away.

ohwheniknow · 08/01/2020 17:46

So when you say new guy is fantastic, is that because you're comparing him to your ex ?

FruitcakeOfHate · 08/01/2020 17:47

So we dont massively have the luxury of time in that respect.

Then it is not right because your children need to come first before your boyfriend and his need to procreate, especially given you had complications.

You would be massively failing your kids to move them for some bloke and foist a blended family and new baby on them in record time, for some bloke. Whom you're not married to. Who even if you are can leave you holding the baby, and possibly ill if you have complications again.

It's not 'perfect', it's mis-matched timing. It happens.

'I love him so much' . . . I'm willing to compromise everyone's lives but his is not a healthy relationship. At all.

Original poster

Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 17:47

I'm absolutely not in any way willing to put the needs of my children second. This is what I have been trying to decide now. Am I turning down giving them a better life? Or am I doing right by them to stay put. I have done nothing but stress and worry and make myself I'll over the choice. I simply needed some advice.

OP posts:

LetsPlayDarts · 08/01/2020 17:48

From your replies to seems you have zero consideration for your DCs. This move would impact every aspect of their life negatively apart from the bigger house...and the positives of that are negligible.

BedSprings · 08/01/2020 17:50

Couldn't he be realistic and live in a none aesthetically pleasing 70s house to accommodate all of your children's and your needs?
It's such a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

FruitcakeOfHate · 08/01/2020 17:51

Am I turning down giving them a better life?

It's not a better life moving them miles from where they are happy and your support network to live in blended set up in your boyfriend's house and then foist a new kid on them.

The advice you've been given here is to tell your boyfriend you need to stay put in the area. For your children AND you, and that it's not the right time to bring another child into the relationship.

Utterly daft to even consider having a child with someone you've only been with a year, never lived with, when you've got 2 kids to consider already.

YasssKween · 08/01/2020 17:51

So you’re willing to put the needs of your children in second place so you can conceive a new one with this guy?

This. This so much.

Do you not see that moving in together with the boys (let alone somewhere far away) is totally selfish and reckless when you've known the man for one year?!

MadamBatty · 08/01/2020 17:52

You don’t need to make a choice. You only know this man one year. Hold your horses. Stay where you are. If you’re still. Together in a year you can discuss again

A good relationship should not cause stress worry or make you ill

Rainbowqueeen · 08/01/2020 17:53

What will the arrangement be when you move in together? It sounds like he is going to buy the jouse. What financial security will you have??

If you are not married and have no share in the property then he can kick you out at any time.

I feel like you are getting caught up in a romantic idea and not thinking about the realities. You need to protect yourself and your kids first and foremost. If he doesn’t see this and isn’t willing to do this then he really isn’t a great guy

I’d wait until something more suitable comes up in your area and also think hard about what you need and want.

Original poster

Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 17:53

I have nobody to talk to because I dont really have any friends. My entire life is taking care of my children. I have no circle of friends. My family is tiny and they aren't really 'talkers'. I'm stressed because I want to do the right thing. I dont really cope well with any form of stress and I know that whatever I choose could be a deal breaker on my relationship. If that's what needs to happen then okay. Because I will never put my children second. I just have a bad habit of doubting myself. I wasnt sure if I was being unfair on my partner and expecting too much.

OP posts:

FruitcakeOfHate · 08/01/2020 17:54

From your replies to seems you have zero consideration for your DCs.

Or herself, considering having another child with someone who's relatively new on the scene for his benefit knowing she had complications, it's all about keeping this bloke. Never mind the three of them.

ohwheniknow · 08/01/2020 17:54

Where have you got the idea this would be a better life? Is that your idea or his?

Their life right now sounds safe, stable and happy. That's great, isn't it?

Original poster

Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 17:57

Yes you are all right. I just really need to hear it from other people to confirm it. I dont want to let my children down. Ever. Being a single mum has been much harder than I imagined but I can promise all of you they do come first. The only reason I thought there was a possibility it was the right thing to do is because they absolutely adore him. My eldest is desperate for a family unit. A father figure. He doesn't get on well with his own father. I realise I may not be thinking about everything in the right context which is why I came here to ask for impartial honest advice.

OP posts:

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