Moving in with my partner

[Gemlouiski]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

OP why don't you write down (personally not necessarily on here but you're welcome to share) what the next five years ideally look like for you, if a partner was involved but not him specifically:

When is a sensible time in your ideal world to move
Where would you want to move to or would you prefer not to
What would you like to do re your dad
When would you like to think about having a child with him
What would your plan be if it didn't work
How long would you need to have issues for you to split up and need to move again
How soon would you want to get married, if you so want to?
How soon would you want to have the baby?
Could you cope as a single mother of three?
Are your kids emotionally resilient enough to deal with the move?
What's the plan if your kids hate the move and their new schools?

You need to think of all the potential effects and address your plans for them now not wait until they happen.

Sorry I meant write down all your IDEALS to those questions, totally from your POV. Write as if you assume his full cooperation.

Which elements would he challenge you on? What would would he want to do in those situations? How much would he oppose you on them if they were best for your children? Are any a dealbreaker?

I really think that would be an honest and productive thing to do.

I honestly don't know why some posters are attacking you when you have a reasonable and genuine question.
I think you should go for it with your DP but find a 1970's house in your area. Your DF smoking is really bad for all of you, particularly with an asthmatic DS.
If you decide to move to the coast, make sure you visit all of the primary schools in the area to find a really nice one. It's not ideal to move your DS, but it won't be the end of the world because he is still young enough to form good friendships.
You sound lovely and good luck in whatever you do!

...also living by the sea is a super place to bring up children - it's a real positive.
There are lots of ways to view your dilema, but bear in mind the positive aspects, because your future could be very bright.

You’ve only been together a year? Your kids should barely know him and it is far far too early to be talking about moving in together let alone buying somewhere together!

In the first 12-18 months biochemically speaking the rose tinted glasses are still welded in place!

You need to wait at least another year and he needs to compromise where he lives in favour of the dc you already have.

Anything else is in my opinion completely unacceptable.

What stage is your eldest at in school? Quite honestly as he already had problems at another school and he’s just settled into this one it’s totally unfair to unsettle him again.

The needs of your current children trump both him and any potential children.

And don’t go doing that thing of not being completely on top of contraception in hopes an “accidental” pregnancy forces any issues that too would be hugely unfair to your current dc. So belt and braces on that!

And a man who won’t live where is best for you and your dc because the houses aren’t to his “taste” is a bad bet as a father anyway imo as parents HAVE to compromise for dc all the time. It’s a petty and ridiculous reason for not living in your area.

“Out of interest, what’s this guy’s background and relationship history? How has he got to 40 with no children if he is so desperate to have them?” I was wondering this too

Plus talk of babies soon and moving in together quickly smacks of love bombing and future faking which I would be very wary of in a nearly 40 year old who’s never got around to having dc despite claiming to want them.

Whatever he’s told you I’d be verifying with others

And quite honestly imo a couple should be living as a family together at least 2 years before having more dc if there are stepchildren involved. Otherwise the older children can very much feel and even actually be pushed out.

“This man raises lots of red flags” I completely agree

“his family have told me about his exs” his they are naturally biased and will be basing their opinion on what he’s told them they’ll have barely heard his ex’s side of things.

Have you met his friends? Work colleagues?

You and your dc do seem extremely vulnerable which is all the more reason to be cautious and move slowly.

I agree with others, it's too soon, don't make any move right now, just coast for a while and see if life throws you a better solution

@mikeuniformmike I looked up the love bombing you mentioned. I have to say this honestly seems like the opposite of my partner with regards to declaring love etc early on. He was very apprehensive to say that too soon. He was quite wary and openly admitted his fear came from his previous relationship where he said it and then discovered a not such nice side to his partner and ended up regretting saying it before he knew her better. He has been very cautious at every step. But now he feels secure in our relationship and confident he is '100% all in' in his own words.

I do realise there are many men who will treat women badly. Hide their own issues or wrong doings and that prudence is always wise. But in fairness to my other half... is not possible that some men truly are victims of domestic/ mentally abusive relationships and that that can leave them with scares similar to any woman. That they cam be just as vulnerable and scared as any of us? My OH is very good at talking about his feelings and emotions. He doesn't bottle things. He isn't afraid to cry or show how he feels about any situation. I do respect the advice you are trying to give me and I'm not closed off to it but, I truly dont believe my partner has shown any characteristics or red flags. He doesn't pretend he is or was perfect in previous relationships. He admits his faults. And perhaps the most telling sign is that both of his exs parents from his previous marriage and relationship are still friendly to him. They still wish him happy birthday and send him a Christmas card despite the fact he is no longer with either of their daughters. Would these be the expected actions if their daughter had been in a relationship with a man who treated her badly? I really dont think so. He helped out his ex girlfriend father financially and was very fond of him. Which is why despite thier split her father still likes to remain in contact and sending greetings etc.

@Graphista I have met all of his friends and his work colleagues yes. And his neigbours whitenessd the domestic abuse incident and they were the ones who phoned the police.

I respect your views on relationship timelines.... however (I'm not sure of you ate a single parent yourself)... but waiting a year to introduce him to my children would be very difficult. I have hardly any free time of my own. I would hardly ever get to see him. I waited what I felt was a decent amount of time to introduce them. And the introduction was slow and gradual. He was as nervous as me about it. But he is very good with them and they warmed to him naturally with no pressure from either side. As for your theory thay we should wait atleast another year before moving in and then at least another 2 before thinking about a baby.... I have to be honest I will be almost 40 myself at that point. When I talk of us having a child in the future that isn't just to pacify his needs. I would genuinely love the chance to have one more myself. But realistically I would prefer not to be doing it at 40. Not that there is a thing wrong with that,it suits plenty of people. But I had my first baby at 25 and my second at 30 and even I those 5 years I noticed a huge different in how well my body coped with pregnancy and labour. I am being realistic and possibly selfish and thinking about my ability to put my body through that one more time. And I feel that for me... that would be an unwise decision to have a child at that age.

I have thought about it more than perhaps people are giving me credit for. But i do understand I asked for advice and it's hard to paint the full picture online. I appreciate everyones input even if I dont agree.

@singingavacado I do see what you are saying. I have to be fair though and admit thay my OH always encourages me to text my old friends. Try and meet up. He is the first to say... if you want to skip seeing me to see your friends then just say so. He has also tried to help me make new friends. Introduced me to his friends wives and encouraged me to join them on girls nights out (unfortunately I missed the one i planned on attending due to my little one being poorly)

When I say I am tired I mean physically. I dont sleep particularly well and my two boys obviously have alot of energy and keep me very busy. Sometimes I am guilty of wanting to just rest when I do have free time. I admit that could be my fault, perhaps I should force myself to find the energy and get up and out.

And his neigbours whitenessd the domestic abuse incident and they were the ones who phoned the police.

I thought his family did.

OP I can well believe he was a victim of abuse. The problem is that lots of men also pull this card as a manipulator.

I also get not having much free time as a single parent. But that's not a reason to have him so involved with the kids at this point. If he loves you he would be fine with that.

I, personally, think you are back tracking because you realise people have valid points. You said he is desperate to be dad and his age is factor. Then it's a long term, years down the line plan.

But I do think you are at least thinking this all through.

I wish you well OP. At least you have read everyone’s posts. At the end of the day it’s your decision. A decision you will make based on what you want and feel is right. The posters here have given you food for thought for sure.

Hi OP, I'm a single parent and have a network of other single parents in my area and I have seen many of them jump head first into a relationship with the first bloke that shows them attention, introducing the kids etc. The relationships are short lived and they are all still single.

Be careful and put yourself and your children first. If this man wants to really be with you then he will have to compromise, not you.

You’re dependent on your father for housing and he smokes, which is a health risk for your DC, especially the one with asthma. You don’t currently earn enough to rent independently. You have little contact with your former friends and are often exhausted.

Addressing these things should be higher priorities than dating.

It seems to me that your best option would be to pursue social housing in your current area.

Sorry, I know you love him, but your father sounds very selfish. Not even considering stopping smoking for an asthmatic toddler? Or taking up vaping? More health problems will be on the horizon and you are rapidly heading towards life as a live-in carer.

Can he at least fit an extractor fan or something into his bedroom?

Yeah, working towards moving out of your father’s would be a good plan.

Who’s providing childcare while you go on dates? Is this your father or are the DC with your ex? Could you use some of that time, or ask them to have the DC more, to enable you to do more paid work or see friends sometimes?

I personally, think you are back tracking because you realise people have valid points. You said he is desperate to be dad and his age is factor. Then it's a long term, years down the line plan.

This is exactly how it reads to me too OP. I'm not saying the guy is an arsehole or abusive at all, I'm just saying if a man is more focused on the aesthetic of a house not being quite to his taste than he is on keeping your kids settled and not taking a risk that could leave you much worse off and isolated... he doesn't sound like a great bet as a future husband and father.

I understand you don't want to wait too long for a baby, but in the grand scheme of things 2 or 3 more years really wouldn't make that much difference and would give you the opportunity to get to know him much more and make an informed decision.

Yes, you love him, but love isn't always enough to create and maintain a healthy relationship in reality.

I hope that even though you're moving the goalposts on here in response to people's criticism, in real life you are starting to see that this plan isn't fair on your kids, or ultimately on you.

As he doesn’t have children himself, he might not appreciate how important it is for your dc to be settled in school. His focus is a nice house, yours is your dc’s wellbeing.

@YasssKween I dont believe I am moving the goal posts. I have been choping and changing all my thoughts and explanations. I just simple explained that in my first few posts I perhaps didnt correctly word or portray the baby situation. People seem to very much have jumped on that and while I understand it... I was looking for proper advice which I believe requires an honest look at the picture. When I realised I had poorly worded it and misrepresented that part I simply wanted to correct myself. I have most definitely not been changing the story to make it sound 'better' myself if that's the implication. I've have been 100% honest and accepted everyones replies and even agreed with them. I dont think it's fair to accuse me of moving the goal posts. Have you never explained something badly before? No offence intended. I do appreciate your time in ready my post and replying to me very much

@doze my children stay with their father when I see my OH... however he has bipolar and is not able to have them any more frequently. He cant cope with it and sometimes because of his various issues he treats them not particularly nicely. (Bad temper) I think its important they have a good relationship with him but I also feel I do need to protect them a little bit. Making them to spend more time with him when he doesn't even want them just so I can go and see my other half isn't something I am willing to do. They never want to go and always return very unhappy. But that's another issue in itself.

@dozermy children stay with their father when I see my OH... however he has bipolar and is not able to have them any more frequently. He cant cope with it and sometimes because of his various issues he treats them not particularly nicely. (Bad temper) I think its important they have a good relationship with him but I also feel I do need to protect them a little bit. Making them to spend more time with him when he doesn't even want them just so I can go and see my other half isn't something I am willing to do. They never want to go and always return very unhappy. But that's another issue in itself.

I disagree with a vast majority on this board, suggesting he isn't compromising. I am assuming OP is a stay at home mum, thus no income. The guy is stumping up the bill for the house, so yes I'd understand his hesitation to move somewhere that a) doesn't look nice and b) is too far from work.

No way would I want to a buy a house for someone who (no offense here) doesn't work, unless of course it was for a my spouse,who I met prior to having MY children and was looking after them.

He's in actual fact showing generosity by selling up his home and paying for a new one. People throwing away his wants and needs is quite upsetting, since it shows an inability to look at this from another perspective and trying to imply he's controling (how people made this jump I don't know???).

My suggestion OP would be to look for 70's style properties in a compromised location, that means your child doesn't have to uproot school and isn't beyond 45 mins commute for your partner. Find houses which have been modernised and look pristine (even out of budget) in that 70's style, explain your vision with your partner, that you could buy a property that initially looks like a bag of bones but together you can modernise and make it YOUR home TOGETHER. It may not look amazing at the moment but in a couple of years, a nice swanky kitchen, bright and airy rooms etc. Hopefully this should be enough of a compromise for you both.

@idea86 thankyou... you are the first person who has seen it from the other side I was considering. His. Wrongly or rightly so.... I have felt the need to look at the situation fairly. You are exactly right... he is giving up the home he loves in the town he grew up in. All his friends are there his work is close by. He knows he has to help support us financially if we do this because I dont earn enough and would lose entitlement to any help with earnings once we lived together. He has told me over and over that despite this being a house he will be buying that it would be our family home. Mine as much as his. He has no problem adding me to deeds because as soon as I am working more in September when my youngest starts reception I will be able to contribute properly. His reasoning behind the new build down near the coast is having a family network still (his parents live there who I do get on very well with) and being able to offer us the best he can get. Of course I understand its arguable that a beautiful home isn't everything. That's precisely why I came here.... because I needed help to decided if perhaps i was expecting.too much of him. He is completely uprooting his own life and turning it upside down to be able to do this too.... he would just like to have a nice home if he can. And I wasnt sure if it was unreasonable of me to expect him to give up absolutely every single thing he wants. The has already told me he wouldnt consider moving from his house unless it was to settle down for good. So yes I want to consider the situation fairly. To him aswell as my children, myself and my own family. I fear that intention has been misconstrued and me having no regard for my children though.

He has no problem adding me to deeds because as soon as I am working more in September when my youngest starts reception I will be able to contribute properly.

Do you realise it's not as simply as adding you to the deeds. You would need to be on the mortgage. Which means they will also take into account your dependents, which will impact the remortgage

Slapping someones name on a house isnt that easy. Thata providing that he actually still does it.

Many women, find themseleves booted out of their home because it owned by their partner only. Most of them have been told theres no issue going on the deeds. But they never were

This thread seems to be another one that just hears what they want to hear and doesn't take the majority on board. There's a reason the majority are saying there's alarm bells ringing OP.

I find it odd that when I mentioned you need to invest time in making new friends that you mention your dp encourages this as if to say you're not putting him first or he's not stopping you see your friends. That's not what I meant, I meant take some time away from seeing your dp and use that time to see your friends. You will need as much support as you can get from as many people as you can as a single mother who isn't confident in your own decisions. You should be investing your time in lots of people don't put all your eggs in one basket so to speak. People here are saying you might end up trapped not you definitely will nobody here knows that but tbh neither do you by your posts.

What people are trying to convey here is that you are putting yourself in an unstable situation if you move in right now and don't invest time in having your own life away from your dp as well as with your dp.

Don’t uproot your children after just 1 year in a relationship. You must do what is in the interests of your children and that means keeping them at their school and near their family. If this new man can’t live in an unattractive house for the benefit of you and your family then he is not the right man to live with.