Moving in with my partner

[Gemlouiski]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

I dont really cope well with any form of stress

Then moving away, setting up shop with this person and bringing a new child into the set up is NOT the way to go.

He's a boyfriend, you've only been with him a year, never lived with him, who's expecting a whole helluva lot of you!

'It's not the right time to move in together and have a child. If that's a dealbreaker for you, we need to go out separate ways.'

If your long term goal is marriage I wouldn't move in with a man without a ring on my finger and a wedding booked. Why should you move heaven and earth for him to test out the goods?

OP do you work?
Does your DP want a house that's aesthetically pleasing on the outside or just the inside? Insides are easy to fix.

Don't move your children away from their school or their father. That's just not fair.

If you don't work, don't move into a house owned by your DP either.

No if you do move in together, he should move your way so as not to disrupt your children and also if you do have a child together you will need the support of your family/father. Also I don’t see why the dc should move further away from their own father.

Ok, one of the things worrying me is you have no one to talk to. You must have some good friends around you? What about the mothers at the schools? You appear to be isolated already, moving all this way will only isolate you further? Your lovely dad probably will be upset by you moving yourself and his grand children away. I can see how difficult this is for you. You want a Cinderella ending and your boyfriend wants a new build basically. My advise would be, pool all your money together and perhaps try and find a house a bit bigger where you are that would accommodate you, your father, your boyfriend and you children. Then, see how that goes before bringing another soul into the world. You do have a dilemma and I can imagine how much stress you are under. You are the settled one with the main responsibilities, I am afraid your boyfriends only compromise will be buying a 70s styled house. Sometimes relationships are very complicated at the best of times let alone blended families. Good luck OP its a tough one for you.

Also not was in a very similar position when I met my husband. I just told him I was old fashioned and was t going to live in sin lol ( I'm not religious). He proposed the next month

I think you should have confidence in yourself over the stable life you've built for your children. Both happy and settled in school/nursery. They're getting what they need and are safe and happy. Honestly, that is a great thing.

Does you dad have much of a role/relationship with your children?

I get you feel pain over whatever has gone on and is going on with their dad, but that's not your fault and trying to recreate a new family at warp speed isn't going to fix it. Don't put that pressure on yourself.

Thank you @litterbird for being so kind in your reply. I really appreciate it.

He says he wants marriage and a child - I would suggest that you do it in that order. Get married, then move in together and have children (with the security that marriage will bring).

If your Dad has no friends and family where he is, he might be amenable to moving near to you and your new husband?

I'd be worried about his urge to have children. What if you can't have children? Would he even still want you? Is he 'great' with your kids because he's auditioning for the role of father to your next one? Are you sure he wants you as opposed to a brood mare?

Bringing up marriage will smoke that out.

Out of interest, what’s this guy’s background and relationship history? How has he got to 40 with no children if he is so desperate to have them?

Why not rent his house out and rent together locally for a year and see how you get on?

So the cons for you moving are:
Uproot 2 children from school
Isolate yourself
Leave your elderly parent alone
Settle children in a new area and school
Look for a new job?

Cons for him moving:
House isn't pretty enough

Hmmm what a tough choice..

Personally I'd stay put. One of your dc has already moved schools once already, the schools in your current area are better? You have the dc's father to consider too. Also selfishly if you move away he might not be so keen to have them every weekend.

It seems the move only benefits two people. You and your bf

I would stay put for another year. Bearing in mind that you are both probably still in the honeymoon stage too and things may change. It seems alot of upheaval for your kids and yourself. It's a gamble, he could be the best man ever but it's a risk. I think for you all to rent somewhere first as you are putting big pressure on yourselves. Good luck though.

How can you even consider conceiving with this man when you don't live with him? A separate living arrangement compared to living together is a massive difference. Nothing wrong with either but after a year I do not understand your thinking. You sound like a desperate person, desperate not to lose this man, desperate to have another baby and desperate for pretty much everything to pan out for yourself even using your ds wanting a father figure as an excuse.
Lots of men can be father figures without you shacking up after 12 months and having a baby with them.

I'm not sure how you can redeem yourself to say you are putting your dc first.
FWIW I moved for my dh of 10 years job recently and moved dd school. It's been ridiculously stressful. If you don't cope with stress than at least this might be the deciding factor. There is no such thing as a young dc moving schools and home and in this scenario adding a new guy into it and this resulting in no stress.

My dh now wants us to love again but no way and I'm married. Absolutely no way m, dd has only just settled and it obviously affected her to move schools and I'm pretty easy going and don't get stressed easily!
Think about what people are saying on here op you shouldn't have to read any further, all the answers you need are already on the thread.

@singingavacado thank you for your reply. Firstly I'm not thinking of conceiving now. I'm talking about future plans. Not yet. Long term plans if we settle down. And as for me not being able to redeem myself... I dont understand what I did to deserve that comment. The sheer fact I have said I dont want to do it... that I am so worried and that I'm hear asking for help should tell anyone I'm genuinely trying to do the right thing. Perhaps I havent thought about it correctly no. Perhaps I needed to hear it from others considering I have nobody to talk to. But u havent actually done it. And there is a reason I'm not comfortable with the idea. I just needed people to tell me I was right. Because i have a bad habit of doubting myself. However I am starting to feel like I am the worst mother on the face of the planet. Like I dont even deserve my children. I never realised mumsnet would be so cruel. I have never come here for advice before. I am willing to accept criticism. To accept I may be wrong or not thinking straight. But please... does it need to be so damning?

OP - it seems that your bf wants what he wants and all to be his way too? And it doesn’t seem to matter to him what effect it would have on you and your kids.

For starters - do not have kids with him unless you marry him. Don’t end up dependent on him, unless he is willing to give you the protection that marriage gives a woman.

And secondly - you need to stay put for your kids. And your family setup. If he wants to have a child - HE needs to grow up and realise that life if about compromises sometimes. What he can afford is what he can afford. So - if the house doesn’t look the way he wants to - this is life....
What is his idea of the child doesn’t look like he imagines - then what?
I’d question if he is actually ready for family/kids. It all seems like some picture perfect postcard in his mind - certain house, happy smiling kids, etc. Mess of real life, noisy kids, tantrums, sacrifices parents have to make - might drive him away.
So - back to the first point of marriage first, everything else - second.

@Sunsetsandmoons he was married at 25... and his wife was in university and didnt want to have children yet. She eventually cheated on him and left. He then had another relationship but was unfortunately a victim of domestic violence.

I changed schools several times as a child and loved it, secondary school is the one that needs to be stable.

I’m wondering if your dad would be able to move in with you if the time comes for him to need someone around.

I moved in with a partner after knowing him for 6 months and never regretted it.

I think it sounds like you are the one expected to make all the compromises here. I moved really far from my family with my husband's job, we split up and he moved back near our families and I was stuck where I was because the children were very happy and unanimously said they wanted to stay. I regret moving to make him happy. It is very hard to be in a new place with no family, no friends and a new baby if you don't cope well with stress. I think it is absolutely crazy if he says he adores your children, yet is willing to uproot them and move them away from their dad and their granddad, just because the houses are not aesthetically pleasing. Please don't get yourself in the position where you are totally reliant upon him financially and for a roof over your head, when you haven't even lived with the guy. A year in, not living together and desperate for a baby, he may be still on his best behaviour. My advice would be to make some friends and make yourself a life outside of the home too. By all means move in together but don't move away, rent his house out and try living together...he might find it is harder to adore your children once he can't escape, that was my experience anyway or you might feel he is still the one for you.

@Gemlouiski apologies my intentions were not to be mean. There are many mothers out there who do much much worse you are not the worst mother.

I misunderstood when you said your dp was soon to be turning 40 as if there was a big rush to conceive.

My dad conceived me at 55(!) and is still alive and I'm 34 so I really really think it's a good idea to wait and see. If this guy leaves you because you want to take your time then you will know where you stand.

Being a single mother has to be better than chained to a guy because you had a dc with him and can't move yet again with your own two dc not to mention if it all goes wrong what a terrible example for your dc. I think you know this though that's why you're pausing for thought.

He should really be considering your feelings a lot more than what you've put on this thread. Perhaps he's also dragging his feet?
All the best.

You are rushing this relationship because of his timeline about wanting a baby.

It is such a bad idea to move areas, uprooting your children, moving away from your father.

I also assume he will be buying this house, not joint. Since you talk about his budget? What happens if you split and you are miles away and having to move again.

My dp wouldnt dream of asking me to move my kids so we for his wants better.

In all honesty. Your kids don't adore him. If you split they would get over it. And quite frankly, if they are very close to him, they shouldn't be after a year.

You are so wrapped up in wanting this relationship to work you are throwing yourself and your kids under the bus.

Firstly I'm not thinking of conceiving now. I'm talking about future plans. Not yet. Long term plans if we settle down.

You said this. And also

In an ideal world we would indeed wait. However my partner is going to be 40 next year and is desperate to be a father.

You said you would prefer to wait, but that you weren't because he was desperate to be a father. So you are living your life around his timetable

If it's a long term plan, stick to what you would do, in an 'ideal world'. There is no reason to rush this.

Everyone is being very harsh on this thread. I don't know what to advise you but what I do know is it's really REALLY fucking hard to be a single parent. I can 100% empathise with you.

It seems pretty unanimous on here though so maybe try and take a step back, read through all the advice you've had and think about what is best for you and your boys - try and listen to your instinct, and trust it.

Not RTFT but it is too soon for you to move in with him.
40 is not old to be a father and I know men and women who had their first child later than this.

You have only known him a year. Do not move in with him and don't move away from your family or your DC's family.

Get to know him first. Or run a mile.