Moving in with my partner

[Gemlouiski]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

So on the cards in the next year or so is:

Moving in together
Relocating home, nursery and schools
Trying to conceive
Navigating step parent dynamics
Living fairly far from your family

... if you don't deal well with stress then this probably isn't a good plan of action for the next couple of years is it?

Your priority list should absolutely be your children first, but you mention living anywhere he wants to first and then your dad and kids as the mitigating factors. I think that's very telling as you've lost sight of healthy priorities. You said:

But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

I know you think people are being mean but I think that's because you've lost sight of how unhealthy the pace of this relationship has been considering you have two children already.

Also the "ready made family" - this isn't a ready made family for him. You are a family unit, their dad is their father. You can't copy and paste yourselves into a new life, it takes time and patience from everyone involved. Please think how unsettling this would be for your kids. It doesn't matter if they 'love' him at the moment. A year into the relationship you shouldn't be worrying about them adoring him etc, it isn't healthy.

You are considering uprooting your children and leaving your elderly father for him but he won’t consider a house that is better for all of you because its “ not aesthetically pleasing”

Does that not say it all ? He if was the right one he would do the right thing for you and your children .

Gosh op can't believe you'd even consider it. Leave your kids settled in their schools and happy.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

Is it possible to improve your earning potential in the next few years to be able to buy where you are?

I personally doubt he is going to be a fan of huge commute anyway. I’d say hold your horses for a bit and see what happens. But you deserve to be happy - a miserable mum is no good for her kids ands they wont thank you for it anyway. thinking about these things is not putting your kids last - it’s weighing up the options and deciding what works best for everyone and that includes for bf.

Even without the moving away, I would leave it a bit longer.

Also worth thinking about what will happen to your finances if you move in together. I actually ended up having less of my own money when i got married because I lost my tax credits.

OP you have done a great job so far of giving your children a happy and stable life. My advice for what it is worth is don't let your DP destabilise this, particularly over something as petty as types of property. Hang on to see how the relationship develops, then perhaps try renting together in your area to try what living with him is like. My concern is that he does sound selfish. If all is well, get married before mortgages and babies and stay in your area for the sake of your kids.

Has he been married or lived with someone?
Will he treat your kids the same as his kids?
What if you move in with him and have a baby with him, then you split up?
Will the children's father be happy about their 'step'dad?

@Peanutbuttermouth thank you for your understanding. I appreciate everyone's opinions and the time they take to write them. It is indeed very hard. I always try... to be as considerate as I can for everyone in my life. I dont want to be unfair to anyone. If I lose my relationship over doing what's right for my children then fair enough. I'll do that. But for the sake of other commenters I will say perhaps I havent painted my partner in the best light. He too has parents he is worried about. Elderly. He wants to be there to take care of then. His mother has just had cancer and his step dad has severe diabetes and a heart condition. My partners dad abandoned him when he was just 3. He feels very strongly about parental responsibilities because of this and has said he understands if I cant move. He wants to try and find a way to figure things out if we can. I however need to make my mind up what I'm willing to do on my part. It has been very telling that everyones opinions are unanimous and it has helped me realise im not feeling this way for no good reason. So I appreciate everyone who has made the effort to comment.

Why can't you keep doing what you're doing for another year or two?

If you're saying you understand that it's way too soon to be having a baby together then what's the big rush?

If he says he understands you need to prioritise the kids then he will understand you need to wait a good deal longer to be sure about such a big step like moving in together, even if it wasn't that far away let alone properly relocating.

What's the big rush?

I also feel I have unintentionally mislead people into believing he has a priority to have a baby. Thats not our priority one bit. It's just something we are aware of time wise. There is certainly no immediate rush for that and I apologise if I made it sound so. That is something that would happen further into the future. He certainly isn't pushing for that in any sense, we have just had many chats about the future and what we both want. To make sure we are compatible.

To be fair to us OP we were going by you saying this:

In an ideal world we would indeed wait. However my partner is going to be 40 next year and is desperate to be a father. He is already older than he wanted to be when thinking of being a dad and tbh I wouldnt want to be having children too late myself as I had some complications after my second birth. So we dont massively have the luxury of time in that respect.

Anyway it's good you're rethinking this as it's such a huge decision and you've only been with this man 300 and something days. I hope you can keep the kids settled for now and let things develop organically.

What is your financial and work situation?

Way, way to soon to talk about moving in together and ttc.

If he is unwilling to wait, and compromise, he’s not a good long term bet.

@YasssKween no I agree I worded that poorly and it didnt paint the best reflection of the situation. That was my fault. I just meant it is a consideration in thay neither of us wish to waste any time, or each others.

@Dozer I do work. Part time as I have no help with regards to school drop offs/ picks ups.

This is my first relationship since being with my children's father. And I waited a long time to embark on a new one. I'm a little unnerved to hear lots of people saying it's too soon. If I've misjudged then fair enough I would rather be told that. It just makes me wonder what an acceptable amount if time actually is.

Don’t unsettle your DC it’s not fair on them and especially after the school issues. Stay near your family- don’t be isolated.
Could bf not rent his place out and then you both rent a place in your current area?

If you don’t already have an independent income it’d be better to work towards that and live somewhere within an easy commute of jobs than to move somewhere coastal/rural.

If you already have a good job, best stay where you are!

Sorry if it feels like a pile on OP, I think finding someone you love spending time with and can see a future with is great. But talking about moving in and a new baby at a year in when you already have your kids settled is very intense and quick. Especially if it's your first relationship since your children's father. Try to step back and take a deep breath and be objective about the reality of the situation, if you love each other and would both like to work towards a future then there is no rush and no obligation to follow through with a big upheaval anytime soon. It's lovely you have your dad around too and that you and the kids can enjoy having him as such a close part of your lives.

@Beach11 unfortunately my area is so expensive we couldn't actually afford the rent prices. They are pretty ridiculous. Far more than his currently mortgage. Perhaps if I worked full time but I'm not in a position to be able to do that at the moment.

I like SouthernComforts’ list approach:

If you move in with your boyfriend at a location of his choosing, and TTC, and don’t get married first, the following would be some issues for you.

DC would need to move schools (you don’t state their ages), potentially not at the usual moving points so might have limited choice of schools.

DC would say bye to friends.

Living 90 mins away from your father.

Not married so would have no financial rights

Third DC: health risks, costs, impact on your older DC, risk of becoming a single mum of three.

Changing jobs (you haven’t said what the jobs market is like where he proposes moving).

Partner would have long commute to work. So would presumably do limited parenting during the week.

If he moved close to where you live:

Houses available for the budget not to his taste.
Not as close to his family.

First of all OP well done for reaching out for advice and taking it on the chin. Its good to seek out the advice on others and not act on impulse.

A few things to consider:

1. This entire issue could be resolved if he just agreed to move into a 70s house. Its that simple. Hes willing to put you and your kids and your dad through all this upheavel over a style of house. Looks at it in black and white. If you've found 'the one' and are madly in love then you wouldnt care of it meant living in a shed. A style of house should be a non-issue for him. After all youd be the one taking the financial risks and moving your kids in. The only sacrifice hed have to make is living in a older house. If thats an issue for him then hes not worth it.

1. If you said to him tomorrow, let's book a wedding for lets say.. March. What would his reaction be? No? Too soon? Fair enough. But.. If its too soon for him to make that serious commitment to you then why the fuck would you commit and move yourself, kids, life, get pregnant and move away from your dad for him?!!

1. As you'll know from your previous relationship history. Living with someone can be entirely different from seeing someone. You may find you dont rub along as well in a living environment with kids, work, commuting etc. You need to make sure you can actually live together before making any permanent decisions and uprooting your kids. So why not have a trial living together period? Moving into hisl for 6 months? Renting somewhere together? That way if it doesn't work you just move back in with your dad and the kids dont have to go through the stresses of changing schools and what not.

1. Lastly, being realistic. Myself and my boyfriend have been together over a year. We have no kids. We only live 20 mins away. We both have our own homes. Yet even we both know its too soon to be selling houses and moving in and what not. Especially without knowing how we'd be living together. To sell up and move in without a trial run would be madness. Thats without children and schools and elderly families like you have. So what your even thinking is madness. Honestly it is.

You need to give your head a wobble. Bring yourself back down to earth and go back to the drawing board. I know how easy it can be to be swept up in that 'what could be' fantasy. But that's what it is, a fantasy.

I hope you do some serious thinking and make the right decision for you and your kids x

@YasssKween yes perhaps I am jumping the gun to want to settle. I think as a single parent... it's very easy to fall into the thinking of... it's going to be impossible to find someone who will want me. When you find someone who does it's hard not to want that's stability and security. I dont want that to sound as if that's the only reason I am with him. Ita not. I wouldnt be with anyone just to have someone. He is the loveliest man I've been with. The only person I've ever been able to be my 100% stupid self with. I'm sure thousands of people have said the same thing before and I probably sound silly. But my relationship with my children's father was awful. Painful. And terribly unhappy. This is the best relationship I have ever been in. But I do realise it's not all about me ultimately.

Unlike others, I think after a year it's a natural progression. As to where to live, you need to consider your future not just the needs of your father - would it be possible for him to move closer to you if you move for instance?