Moving in with my partner

[Gemlouiski]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

If you can be yourself with him you can be honest about your options and the many drawbacks for you and your DC of his plan.

If it’s truly a good relationship and he’s a good long term prospect he will carefully consider your wishes and situation and seek solutions that work for you and your DC.

It's all ringing alarm bells for me OP.
Just because he doesn't want to live in a 70s house he wants you to leave your father and uproot your kids?
I worry that you sound very vulnerable, having no friends. Sounds like he may be targeting you and trying you isolate you further. Please be careful and don't move.
It is also a bit suspicious that he says 1 ex cheated and 1 was domestically violent to him. Does he call them 'crazy' too? This man raises lots of red flags

Yes, do you have anyone else’s views on his exes?

My priority would be my children but I don't think any of your plans really prioritise your children.

After only knowing soneone 1 year, I would not be changing my current life to that extent.

@Isthisit22 his family have told me about his exs. I get on very well with his mother and step father. She too was a single mum to boys the exact same age and mine when she met his stepdad. Also his neigbours. They are lovely people. They phoned the police when he was assaulted by his ex girlfriend.

@Lindy2 it makes me sad to hear people dont think my plans prioritise my children. I havent actually made any plans at all yet. We are in the process of trying to make a plan. And I am trying to make sure I do prioritise my children. Hence my being on here and having worries I felt the need to share and seek advice on.

Definitely check his past. I have worked in a male dominated environment all my life near enough and is were no shortage of single 40 yr old men.

You could almost see a few of them clocking every woman with a 'wife material checklist'. Female with a pulse and of childbearing age pretty much sums it up. There is a reason they are single.
Don't get me wrong, some of them are really nice people but they ultimately want a wife.

*dont. ... sorry for the typo. I should have written 'its makes me sad to hear people dont think my plans prioritise my children'

I'm sure you do prioritise your children and you're probably a great mum, but we look at things from a distance and will see things that you won't.
Moving your DC further from their school and nursery and dad isn't ideal.
Moving you and your kids from your support system and family is definitely not ideal.
You need to prioritise you, your dad and your kids.

A relationship might not last but your family will always be your family.

@okiedokieme unfortunately my father would never entertain moving. We had a conversation in recent years about him downsizing so he could have some more money in the bank during his retirement. He ultimately didnt want the upheaval of a move. He also doesn't particular want to be alone and I love him very much and would feel terribly guilty if I left. I feel a massive amount of responsibility towards him. We have our issues though. My youngest has bad asthma and my father refuses to stop smoking in the house despite it making him poorly. We have many a disagreement over that. And before anyone says I should move out to protect my youngest I would love to. I tried to rent a flat 8 months ago. I couldn't afford it. Unfortunately. They wouldnt even let me do the application as my earnings werent enough.

@Isthisit22, my thoughts 100%

OP, you sound vulnerable but may not be in a position to see it. Sometimes we feel we have healed from a bad relationship but the reality is that there is still far to go. You mentioned a child in nursery so I assume under 4?

What would healed look like? You would be independent financially and emotionally, going out and spending time with friends. You are enjoying parenting most of the time and feel secure and confident. You have a strong sense of your values and goals. Such as spending time with your Dad, enjoying your job, growing your career. Once you are in this position a man who comes into your life will fit into this and there would be no need for worry and stress over making big life decisions.

Having friends is very important as without them or close family you are likely to be too dependant on your boyfriend. It takes at least 2 years to know someone, my abusive Ex H was the dream partner until I moved for his career and became dependant. I can't stress how common this is.

Do you really think he is the only man for you? How many relationships have you had? He might be the transition boyfriend and not someone will suit your longterm life goals.

Don't make him the centre of your world, make your own world and if he is right he will fit into your life (without breaking the important bonds and stability you have now). Be proud of what you have achieved so far and know that you don't "need" a man to achieve happiness.

Eek, he was assaulted by an ex. I'd want to know more about that.

Not saying that women don't assault men but there could well be a back story. Were charges made. Have you looked him on the Clare's Law thing?

@techway I did have lots of friends. I was very independent and had lots of hobbies etc. Unforrunatelty when I became a single parent I struggled to find time to socialise. Ans slowly my friends drifted apart from me.

All seems to be about what he wants, a baby, a house, the area.
Tbf he sounds pretty shallow; aesthetically pleasing house?? a home is what you make it. Tell him you’re not prepared to uproot your DC and he will need to compromise on house, see what his reaction is.

OP many of us have been single parents. Some of us do live with dps who aeenr our children's fathers.

But this means a huge upheaval for your kids. He wants to look after his mum, but what about your dad?

You will be living in a house you have no rights over, having uprooted your kids and leaving your dad. Because he wont live in an older home.

Moving your kids and your life should not even be a consideration.

@MikeUniformMike as far as I am aware she had a bit of a problem with alcohol. Not an alcoholic. But she tended to cause trouble when she had had a drink. And in this occasion she had been drinking. They split after thay incident.

Red flag.

Also, if you live with your Dad and he’s retired why does he not help with the school run? Unless very elderly and infirm.

It's unrealistic to expect to be happy so far away from your home, father and friends. Any happiness you got would be at the expense of your own children and family. Look at other possibilities. If your father owns his property, maybe he could sell it and put the proceeds into the pot? Any new house could be in all three names? Maybe a house with an annexe for him?

Also op, many of us single parents have come across men thay try and promise the world. But actually want us to for into what they want

@Gemlouiski, good to hear, I know time is a challenge but try to focus on rebuilding your network as you will be too dependant on your boyfriend.

Lovely to hear you have a good relationship with your Dad, that is important not just to you but your children. Can you foresee a time when you will be able to rent independently? Getting your own place will make you feel more secure and that will be translated to the children.

@JKScot4 unfrotauntely my father isn't a 'babysitting' grandad. He likes to be in his room on his computer and playing his guitar etc. He loves my boys but he isn't very hands on and would never babysit.

@MikeUniformMike I'm not sure how her having problem with drink is a red flag about him? I have heard many a story from his friends ans family about prior nights when she would get drunk and be argumentative and rude to them all. They all tell me she was awful. He was unhappy and had wished to end the relationship for some time but she got fired from her job and was very depressed following this and he didnt feel he could do that to her at a time when she was so low.

I agree with isthisit22 and the other posters who say you sound quite vulnerable and isolated and there is a danger that you will end up more so if you move. I actually do not think this man is that lovely if he is seriously suggesting you uproot your children from their school and friends and leave your dad and move ninety miles away (at least an hour and a half each way) simply because he wants a flashy new build and not a 1970s house. You have to believe that you (and your DC) are worth more than this - the right person would be looking at fitting in with your life and commitments, not uprooting you all.

I have been there, a relationship after my marriage ended and it was a car crash, really. Fortunately I did keep my own house and not move older DC because I realised I could not uproot her. I do not know why I even entertained the thought - because if I am honest, I was buying into the happy families new baby narrative and I was vulnerable as a single parent and little support. You are vulnerable to someone who comes along and promises you the Earth, moon, stars and sea until little by little you realise it is only achievable in their terms. You sound like a people pleaser, you are tying yourself in knots about what is the right thing, but really there is no question because this is not really your issue to solve - you have a place to stay, your DC are settled in school and you have a little family. Your boyfriend is creating the problem by throwing in the need for a new build 90 miles away and a baby before he is 40. Who is going to look after this baby in a newbuild 90 miles away?

Time is on your side. Set this problem aside and wait for a man who does not turn his nose up at a seventies house if it means that your DC can remain settled and you don’t have the stress.

@MikeUniformMike he never hides his past. He will happily let me talk to anyone of his friends or family about his exs even if he isn't around. And any questions I've ever asked hes been happy to answer. He doesn't display any of the red flag behaviours I would expect of someone with something to hide.