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Original poster

Moving in with my partner

229 replies

Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 17:27

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 08/01/2020 22:59

You seem to have surrounded yourself with selfish men, why do you feel guilty about your poor dad when he sits in a room and refuses to help you? You could work more hours to improve your earning capacity, apart from saving ££ there’s no other bonus to living there.

MikeUniformMike · 08/01/2020 23:01

Oh @Gemlouiski. It's still a red flag - the psycho ex.
One year in is so early.
I have been in your position, and made the mistake of finding a (step)dad for my young DC. It wasn't horrendous but it was a mistake.

KTJean · 08/01/2020 23:03

I don’t know, it is all very descriptive about how awful she was and all his family chiming in too - there may be some truth in it but it is overdone for effect. And the reason he stayed with her despite her being so awful is because he is a knight in shining armour and could not break up with her...

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:06

@JKscot4 I do get quietly frustrated sometimes at my dads lack of help. But his attitude is very much... they are my children/ my responsibility. He will help in emergency such as a hospital trip etc. But day to day, school pick ups etc are a no.

I suppose I feel a responsibility to him because I am an only child. My mum left to be with another man when I was 16. She moved 300 miles away and I saw her once maybe twice a year until they split and she returned 4 yeara ago. (I'm 33 now so that's a long time) my father is the only person who has always been there for me no matter what. So I feel I owe him that in return. Especially as he gets older and more vulnerable himself. He already had one huge heart attack that he was lucky to survive. I am also an only child. I have no siblings who can share the responsibility of visiting him and keeping him company. He doesn't drive so cant come to visit me. Or even go food shopping. So I do feel a huge responsibility to be there for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:10

@KTJean to be fair to my partner... I do ask alot of questions. So the extent of the detail is likely my fault for fishing for information. I am nosey by nature I'm ashamed to admit.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 08/01/2020 23:11

A year is no time at all. Give it another year and then see where you are both at. Voice of experience here, a year is absolutely nothing.

JKScot4 · 08/01/2020 23:12

Is he currently well your dad? He can’t food shop, refuses to help with the DC, I’m sorry but he seems selfish and rather than supporting you he’s holding you back and is also isolating himself. You’d be better off in your own home with no man!

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:12

I just want to thank everyone who has commented so far. All of your comments are carefully read and appreciated greatly.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 08/01/2020 23:13

Psycho ex? mmmmmm red flag too...

I would keep my focus on being there for your elderly parent for now and I stick to what I said. One year more... then reevaluate.... A year is nothing, nothing at all.... to be making such massive decisions that will impact your frail parent and children.

Don't be hasty..... he can wait if he is patient and truly is a good person...

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:14

@JKScot4 he is currently well yes. Thanks to a mountain of medication he takes daily. I have wished many a time thay I could afford my own place. I have tried to rent but unfortunately didnt meet the earnings criteria to pass the affordability checks.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 08/01/2020 23:16

Be honest and tell your dad you need him to step up so you can increase your hours to allow you to save or maybe he’s like this as you provide him with 24/7 housekeeping and a future carer.

MikeUniformMike · 08/01/2020 23:21

You are vulnerable too and that is something to consider.
I'd look out for other red flags like lovebombing.
The script or something it is called.

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:22

@Jkscot4 is it terrible to admit that even if my dad did agree to help with childcare, I would worry about leaving my boys with him? It's only been done for emergencies before. But he doesn't really watch them. My youngest is 3 and will climb on anything and throw himself off if left to his own devices. And his idea of feeding them is giving them 5 packs of crisps. I would worry.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 08/01/2020 23:23

I hope he is s good un, but try to look up the red flag thing. I'm a bit tired.
You have a good night.

singingavacado · 08/01/2020 23:26

Op your updates make you appear a very vulnerable person. It must be crippling lonely to have lost your friends and felt alone as a single mum.

I think you perhaps are leaning on this relationship as the light at the end of the tunnel for this lonely time but without feeling confident and happy with yourself this could lead to exasperating your current situation not helping it.

Maybe you should look at focussing on making new friends. I've moved areas and went from friends/childcare/knowing everything to nada and having to put a lot of effort into meeting up with people. I work pt and still manage to find time here and there to stop by for a coffee etc on a lunchtime/get out early before school run to quickly chat and run. Do you feel you can initiate a meet-up perhaps with a mum at school? I've found me texting someone else I instead of waiting for them to contact me very helpful. Or if that's too much perhaps a local group that meets every now and then that you could drop by?

On a different note, With regards to your dad smoking would it be possible he only smokes in certain rooms or even all rooms but for one so your dc has a safe area? It's not very nice of your dad and he has no respect for you, even though you're living in his house your dc health should be at least acknowledged.

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:26

@Mikeunformmike I will have a look. Thank you. Sleep well

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 08/01/2020 23:29

If you had not mentioned the smoking I would have suggested you ask your dad if partner could move in with you all and just rent his house out so you could save for something in your area. However, an asthmatic child in a house where someone smokes is not good and IMO a good reason to be looking for something else. He could rent out his house and with that income and your s, see if you could find somewhere near your dad that you could rent together. You then escape the cigarette smoke but stay close to your dad and schooling is not affected. I would definitely suggest you were married before considering another baby though. Good luck OP. You do not sound like a bad mother. You should like you are wanting to please everybody. x

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:30

@singingavacado I should try to make more effort to socialise. I do occasionally text my friends but rarely get replies if I'm honest. I think perhaps they feel I havent made enough effort. Perhaps I havent. The truth is I'm so tired by the time I have the boys settled. Or have an evening to myself. I'm quite a sociable chatty person when I'm out and about. I wouldnt class myself as shy. Just a tired, single mum who struggles to find the time and energy for a social life when all the other things are tended to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:35

@vdbfamily thank you for your kind words. Renting was indeed an option we talked about/ looked at but unfortunately the prices in my area are stupid expensive. Far more than my OH current mortgage. Collectively we couldn't realistically afford it unfortunately. X

OP posts:
ruby2020 · 08/01/2020 23:37

It honestly baffles me that people would think of having children with someone they've only been with for a year, regardless of "age being against you". One year is nothing. How can you possibly know someone well enough to commit to the lifelong responsibility of a child together after only one year?! Not to mention uprooting your whole life for them.

Honestly, think of the children you already have.

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:37

@singingavacado as for my dad... unfortunately smoking is 'one of his only pleasures in life'... he simply cant be without it. He does usually only smoke I'm his room as he spend most of his time in there... but our house is small and the smoke and smell travel into alm the rooms easily.

OP posts:
LilyAraminta · 08/01/2020 23:38

It sounds like moving to a different home in your same area is a great solution.

Pros:
-Your child with asthma gets away from a smoke filled home (which has got to be awful for him!).
-Kids remain in the school and nursery where they are settled and happy.
-You stay near your Dad and your kids' Dad.
-You remain in a nice, family-friendly, and familiar area.

Con:
-Your partner doesn't like the aesthetic of available homes Hmm

To me, the pros far outweigh the con. If your boyfriend is of the caliber to be worthy of being brought into your kids' lives and to have a baby with, I'd hope he could find a way to cope in a dated home if it meant doing what is best for your existing family structure that he is hoping to join.
It's not forever, once you marry and add to your family, eventually you can find something more suited to your tastes!

HappyHedgehog247 · 08/01/2020 23:38

Please don’t move. Your ds has already changed school, your df (however imperfect) is your only family and the kids are only 20 mins from their dad. You have real genuine reasons not to move that are more important than the style of house.

Original poster
Gemlouiski · 08/01/2020 23:41

@ruby2020 tbh... and I fear the stick I may take for admitting this... I fell accidentally pregnant with my first son at 25 just 3 months into my relationship with my ex. We obviously chose to keep him and becoming a mother was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. So perhaps my past experience makes a year not sound so ridiculous to me ? Perhaps I am not viewing that the way I should. However I will say it would be at least another year minimum before we actually even started trying. If we even get that far

OP posts:
singingavacado · 08/01/2020 23:42

Your reply is another red flag to me. Focussing way too much energy on your dp. You haven't got energy for friends, yet you're able to move out and plan babies with a dp.

You are not alone in your situation I'm sure. Reach out to other single mums. Find like minded people and take some time out of seeing dp to invest in making friends. A few hours a month for friends shouldn't make too much differences. Stay in the relationship by all means but don't move in with him yet /have any more dc yet and give yourself time to breath and recover from all the changes you've already had to deal with.

All the best OP