21 Year Old Daughter has tantrums and it's wearing me down.

[AvaGrace412]

Yep you read that right. 21!

Due to her father and various family members spoiling her as a child and allowing her to do as she wanted and behave as she wanted, I am embarrassed to say she's never properly grown up and acts like a spoiled child all the time.

Her latest tantrum was at midnight last night, she woke me up screaming and swearing as she'd had a minor disagreement with her boyfriend on a text message. Despite DH and I having harsh words with her and telling her to stop, the tantrum went on until about 4am.

She does this every couple of weeks or whenever anything doesn't go her own way. I'm drained by it all.

Behaviour is communication. Agree with others who say she needs some kind of therapy. No responsible GP should be prescribing medication for anxiety without a plan for how she manages the anxious feelings/ stressful situations. You can empathise with the emotions while setting very firm boundaries on behaviour. She sounds like she is utterly lost and needs some compassionate support urgently.

As a responsible parent, you can (and I would say should try to) provide access to that support. But that doesn't mean you need to accept abusive behaviour.

The most bizarre sight I have ever seen was a friend's 20 year old daughter throwing herself to the floor screaming and kicking when she had to wait five minutes for her breakfast. She's over thirty now and seems to have grown up but it took her moving out late twenties before that happened.
I'd lay down the law and if she can't stick to the rules she lives with her father I wouldn't put up with it.

It sounds like you have a dh problem as much as dd problem tbh.

I'd be escorting the brat out side and telling her when she learns to treat you with respect and stops acting like a spoilt madam can come home but with new rules in place. It must be sp hard for you. I think you really need to be tough and put some harsh rules in place and have your partner on side. I.e if you have a tantrum and refuse to calm down then you are asked to leave immediately, not your problem if she has no where to go if she has respect than she has nothing to fear. Be prepared for flying monkeys to take her in and tell you how cruel you are( until the discover how bad she is )

How many of you actually have DD of 20 ish who have acted like this?
Because if you have never experienced it you have no idea at all.

I think you’ve got to go back to basics and treat her like a young child. Ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good. It will be extremely difficult but you need to find a way to totally disengage with her when she starts to tantrum. You will have to discuss with your DH beforehand and make sure you’re on the same page. I would, if she was trantruming in the night, get her coat and shoes and car keys and put her out of the door. Let her shout and scream but ignore her. Horribly difficult but I’m not sure what else you can do.

@jeiiyyy why not pop over to netmums if swearing offends you. What offends me is ignorance.

She doesn't sound as if she has any basic life skills or social skills needed for successful, independent living. Can she cook, clean, look after herself op?

If she doesn't have these basic life skills may be you can teach her?

Also, has she learned to be kind and thoughtful to others? Give and take?

Successful human interaction and relationships depend on basic life skills, consideration for others and having responsibility.

If she is selfish and has no understanding of her negative impact on others may be it's time to teach her actions have consequences?

Good luck op, she is a role model to your younger DC if she lives with you so it's important you help her as much as you possibly can as a matter of urgency.

I would also go and speak to your GP and see if they can help. There may be an underlying cause for her behaviour and attention seeking and she may need help. I would throw all my energy at trying to help her and I would also let her know that you love her unconditionally but you don’t like her behaviour and can no longer tolerate it so you are going to help her as much as you can but she also has to help herself. I doubt very much she feels good about her behaviour.

I’m with those who said her darling daddy should take a turn of looking after her.

I'm hoping after she kept the house awake till 4am while she screamed and shouted that you DIDN'T let her have a lie in while the rest of you got up and ready for your day .

She'd have been woken up at Stupid o'Clock by me

I think you're putting your energy into the wrong places OP.

No point trying to apportion blame or reason with your ex. There's also no point trying to 'fix' your DD - your window of parental influence has closed, and any future changes will have to come from her, when she's ready.

You should be focussed on deciding how you want your family life to be, and what your boundaries are, then enforcing those boundaries. Your DD has options - you don't have to put up with this if you don't want to.

I was brought up definitely not spoilt, a really chilled out and docile kid, in my early twenties developed quite moderate mental health problems. When I was having a mental health crisis it would look like a massive toddlers tantrum, lots of tears rolling around on the floor as you mention. It was to the point it was physically painful I would cry out and throw up. And it would go on for hours, I would get into such a state.
I’m not saying that your DD isn’t spoilt, and I’m not saying that her behaviour is a product of her MH issues, but pp saying “film her and play it back” is horrible to say because it could be a result of mental health crisis. Might not, but could be.

Original poster I’m sorry you are going through this. To those who have a BPD diagnosis and are offended by other posters suggesting this don’t be. Borderline personality and complex PTSD are both diagnosis that should be considered here. While there are criteria needed to meet the diagnosis everyone with these diagnosis presents differently depending on their own chronically internalized coping strategies for dealing with traumatic experiences. Someone who tantrums at 21 years old is emotionally arrested and very well may have a personality disorder. Nothing wrong with suggesting that to the OP

RandomWok Mon 06-Jan-20 10:40:09
21 is plenty old enough to get her own place.
.....

That.

She's doing it for attention. And she's getting it. Mission accomplished.

You are part of the cycle OP, no matter how well meant.

I've got 3 adult DDs. Put a pair of earplugs in everyone elses ears, and let her crack on. She will run out of steam very quickly without an interactive audience. Took me years to work out that shouting and screaming just added to the frenzy..... ignoring completely diffuses it.

To add, you would still see her and be able to support her if she lived elsewhere. It really is time. Even sick and disabled people have their own places, it would be better for her and for you.

@maa9144 @Londonborncatty and all the others, please RTFT and stop trying to label and excuse this dreadful behaviour.
The only time she does this is in her mother’s home when confronted or annoyed, not in public or at work, now I’m not an armchair therapist but I’d hazard a guess that if you have BPD or similar and as stated by those with this, that this behaviour is not one they exhibit and strangely the DD seems to use it to get her way.
Can MN consider that some ppl have dreadful manipulative behaviour and can be horrible ppl without any MH issues??

I'm not excusing the behavior. Where did mom say this behavior is only at home?. JKScott4 I will give you a $1000 if the OP comes back she doesn't display this type of behavior with her boyfriend and friends and has trouble hanging on to relationships as a result.

To add on, no mumsnet should not just say people are just dreadful because that is not how we are made up as human beings. We are born full of hope and love and to connect with people. When that gets derailed people should definitely look for reasons why and one of the reasons can possibly be a mental health problem.

Yeah i’m sure her work and bf are ok with her carrying on like a banshee rolling on the floor 🙄

Im sure they are not. But do you know how many relationships this young woman's behavior has damaged?. Mom did not say, so unless she comes back and says this only happens in her home and no my daughter does not behave in an emotionally arrested manner at work and with her boyfriend then how do you know?.

You do have to be cruel to be kind.
You can't let her continue this way, for her own sake as well as the rest of your family. She needs to realise she needs to shape up or ship out.

I'm almost 22 and have regular meltdowns due to mental disorders, I can see how horrible it is for my family to deal with so you're not the only one. Maybe contact the council and get emergency accommodation for her?

@Danieller98

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this and I hope you're receiving help and support.

Re. The OP's DD. I'd be curious to know whether she only reserves her meltdowns for her Mum and SD (and occasionally her Dad), or whether she's ever had a meltdown in the presence of friends and strangers, i.e she really can't control her emotions?