21 Year Old Daughter has tantrums and it's wearing me down.

[AvaGrace412]

Yep you read that right. 21!

Due to her father and various family members spoiling her as a child and allowing her to do as she wanted and behave as she wanted, I am embarrassed to say she's never properly grown up and acts like a spoiled child all the time.

Her latest tantrum was at midnight last night, she woke me up screaming and swearing as she'd had a minor disagreement with her boyfriend on a text message. Despite DH and I having harsh words with her and telling her to stop, the tantrum went on until about 4am.

She does this every couple of weeks or whenever anything doesn't go her own way. I'm drained by it all.

My DD (21) is high functioning BPD. She doesn't go to the extremes of throwing herself on the floor but sometimes struggles to regulate her emotions, overreacts and takes things to heart/personally. Her irrational fear of abandonment and subsequent rages destroyed her relationship with her ex-boyfriend and his family and this highlighted that there was an issue beyond being a bit of a stroppy teen. She's now under the care of the local MH team and is having DBT therapy which coupled with meds is helping her moderate her behaviour.
My DD wanted help, she doesn't want to feel like she does, your DD might need to see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis. It would be a shame if she is just spoilt but at least you could put some hefty boundaries in place.

Does she behave like this at work or with friends?

Send her to her dads, your choice.

excuses after excuses... and nobody actually dealing with her behaviour

I have tried so many times speaking to her father about it but he said he doesn't give a fuck about my family life and her happiness is all he cares about.

Return the favour and say you don't give a fuck about his family life and tell your daughter to pack up (or pack up for her) and go to her father's house as you can no longer put up with her - you have younger children to consider now.

She has lived with her dad in the past for various periods of time (her choice) but he just puts up with the tantrums and panders to her seemingly.

Then let him crack on - as long as you make it clear that she will NOT be coming back to live with you. Let him reap what he has sown.

She’s a grown woman with a job and a boyfriend. Try and grow a pair op and kick her out

Preferably before she fucks up your other kids, that’s if she hasn’t already. Try to raise these ones a little better than this brat you’ve dragged up

God help some of you if ever one of your dc develops MH problems.

Sorry if it's been said already but tantrums at 21 is not immaturity, it's personality disorder. Has she been assessed for BPD? Cause I'd get on that for a start. Could even be NPD, considering daddy spoilt her as a child. Either way, it isn't normal, or excusable. And 'anxiety' is certainly not the cause.

@pinkbonbon yes I thought NPD......Altho I have no qualifications to assess this at all!!!!

Send her to her df, and let him deal with it. Shell probably be good as gold.

Ffs video it. In fact tell her you’re live streaming it (even if you’re not).

“Hey! Bratgirl! I’ve started a FB watch party and you’re the star!”

It would be very interesting whether she carries on (which would suggest she can’t help herself) or if she miraculously develops some sudden self control....

strongmummy Yeah I just wondered as it sounded like there might be some control to it which fits more with NPD. Definitely couldn't diagnose either but we don't need to be doctors to suspect it lol.

Automatically assuming MH issues, and the giving of a free pass because of them, is, frankly, part of the problem and does nobody any favours!

A 21 year old adult rolling around on the floor is not just spoilt. How desperately unhappy would you have to be to get to that stage?

Regardless of whether its a mental health / personality disorder / spoiled brat issue, she can't go through life like this, and OP shouldn't tolerate it.

She's got to take concrete steps to fix the problem, or she has to go.

Speakball she apparently manages to successfully hold down a job and relationship. You know some people can be complete tits without having mental health issues

She's an adult and should be able to stand on her own two feet.

You don't know any adults who need ongoing support for MH reasons?

Does she do this tantrumming at work?? Can't imagine she would hold a job down if so..

Agree that you should video it. Not to humiliate her on social media, but to play it back to her, so she can see how bad it is.

My sister was like this in her early 20s - because she was spoilt. There's absolutely nothing wrong with her and she's fine now after a few years looking after herself. She just would throw a massive tantrum so my step dad would let her have her way or to force the rest of us to comply so we didn't 'set her off'.

She sounds personality disordered OP has she been assessed by anyone?

@12345kbm are you qualified to suggest BPD? If you are, you do understand the Goldwater rule? I'm fucking sick of ppl on Mumsnet shrieking BPD when anyone displays shitty behaviour. Why not psychosis too? Schizophrenia?

BPD diagnosis is not about "do they tick these boxes?" It's so facile you suggest that.

I have a dx if BPD and have never displayed behaviour like OPs daughter. It's fucking offensive to hear people on here chuck it into a post with zero understanding.

Ffs.

she apparently manages to successfully hold down a job and relationship

Where did op say that? Op has said the her dd had trouble at college and we can see she does poorly with disagreements with her boyfriend. And she is on meds for anxiety

I'm not saying Op should do nothing. I'm pointing out that her dd's behaviour is well outside that of a normal, reasonably adjusted 21 year old. I'd be encouraging her to see the gp to talk about her tantrums.

Maybe ask her to go to her dads and don't let her come back. He enables her tantrums, let him deal With the backlash. X

If you send her to live with her father as so many people are suggesting you will probably lose your daughter altogether I think which is probably why you don't want to do that?

You are blaming everything on other family members but she's your daughter and you are her mother and you are also responsible for how she's turned out as a young adult. All those times you sat back and let her father make all the decisions even when you disagreed have risked your relationship and happiness of your daughter.You are as much to blame as anyone else you accuse!

It's time to step up as a parent now OP while she still cares what you think and needs you. Have boundaries, encourage conversation and refuse to accept that things can't be better. Make things right by encouraging a relationship with her now. Make house rules, expect her to pull her weight and be responsible and let her know that if she doesn't comply with the rules she will have to move out. That's a lot more reasonable than throwing your own tantrum and what may be seen as rejection by her.

Help her with her MH issues and tell her you love her but can't carry on living like this-then make the rules.

I think it’s time she moved out