21 Year Old Daughter has tantrums and it's wearing me down.

[AvaGrace412]

Yep you read that right. 21!

Due to her father and various family members spoiling her as a child and allowing her to do as she wanted and behave as she wanted, I am embarrassed to say she's never properly grown up and acts like a spoiled child all the time.

Her latest tantrum was at midnight last night, she woke me up screaming and swearing as she'd had a minor disagreement with her boyfriend on a text message. Despite DH and I having harsh words with her and telling her to stop, the tantrum went on until about 4am.

She does this every couple of weeks or whenever anything doesn't go her own way. I'm drained by it all.

IF you were talking about that Nikki Graeme girl, she seems to have been having some sort of therapy for years now.She was known, for going completely out of control at times. She was on a tv therapy programme once, and her behaviour was traced back to her upbringing, as is usually the case.

I wouldn't know what to do in your stressful situation, except talking through everything with her, but definitely not throwing her out of the home.

I really worry sometimes that pp on MN only read what suits them, why for every bad behaviour is always MH??
This girl only has tantrums when her DM tries to talk to her or she’s not getting her way, I’m sure she doesn’t do this at work or out in social situations, she would have been arrested by now if she did.
It is controlling and abusive behaviour, would you tolerate it off a DH/DP?

@jkScot4 I agree. There’s absolutely no mention of any behavioural disorders of this woman growing up and she behaves fine when she wants. The op has said herself she’s been spoilt and indulged by relatives and this is the result

I’ve got a sister who behaved similarly until she was mid twenties when my family finally learned to ignore and ridicule her silly behaviour

I agree with PP's. Sit her down and tell her that the tantrums have to stop immediately or she will no longer be able to live in your house. You have no legal obligation to house her and if she wants to live with you, she needs to behave like an adult.

If it happens again, call a locksmith and get the locks changed. Bag up her stuff and put it on the doorstep.

The only time we see the tantrums now is when she’s had a drink, as a result she’s now no longer invited to any family functions.

It is controlling and abusive behaviour, would you tolerate it off a DH/DP?

No one is asking her to tolerate it?

it always ends up with her having a screaming tantrum and rolling around on the floor. She won't have an adult conversation

Film her. Play it back to her when she is in a calmer moment and ask if she thinks that behaviour is acceptable.

Does she do this in public (like Nicky graham did) or just at home?

Alternatively drop to the floor and mimic her. Extra points if you do it in public mid way through a shopping trip and embarrass the hell out of her

You have my sympathy op. My Teen is like this at times but is ASD/ADHD. Still no excuse and it’s bloody annoying when it’s going on until 1:30 & I have to get up at 6am

If so many other family members are happy to have her not work and to spoil her, why can''t you send her to live with them? Sounds like you are spoiling her too.

@speak
Everyone is excusing it and labelling it with MH conditions rather than she’s a nasty controlling person, my comparison is that if it was a DH there’d be no excuses, he’d be an abuser.

Everyone is excusing it and labelling it with MH conditions rather than she’s a nasty controlling person

You can be both, you can have a MH condition which creates behaviours that are controlling and unpleasant.

How about MN don’t excuse everything as MH? some people are just vile and nasty, but not here MN have a label for everything.

Not when it's a man. If a man does anything he's a suite and you should leave him.

Her dad can take her then.

When she’s calm can she talk through her problems with you?
She sounds like she has no emotional regulation which can be because someone has suffered from emotional neglect in childhood.

I would like to know if she screams and rolls around etc in public and in front of strangers, or is it just family and friends.

Yes that would be interesting wouldn’t it @willowmelangell

OP look up the concept of "tolerance for emotional distress". Sounds like she has low tolerance. Whatever has caused it, it's very amenable to counselling approaches. The idea being to learn to identify and accept that you're simply experiencing a bad emotion but to tolerate it better and let it pass by rather than react as though you should never feel bad things. If I get a chance later I'll post a link.

It could be valuable for the long term.

Send her to live with her father, if he doesn’t want her she can find somewhere else

@Oksanna. Where does the op say she broke up with they father? Have I missed something? We don’t know the background to the marriage breakup and shouldn’t assume

It's obvious that she needs to live with her dad permanently. He can deal with it all.

You’re blaming other people
Whilst you totally enable that behaviour as well

I think the fact that she does t behave like this at work and in public is a big giveaway that it’s not MH as she’s only behaves like this when it suits her ie confronted by her mum. She’s a manipulative bully.