21 Year Old Daughter has tantrums and it's wearing me down.

[AvaGrace412]

Yep you read that right. 21!

Due to her father and various family members spoiling her as a child and allowing her to do as she wanted and behave as she wanted, I am embarrassed to say she's never properly grown up and acts like a spoiled child all the time.

Her latest tantrum was at midnight last night, she woke me up screaming and swearing as she'd had a minor disagreement with her boyfriend on a text message. Despite DH and I having harsh words with her and telling her to stop, the tantrum went on until about 4am.

She does this every couple of weeks or whenever anything doesn't go her own way. I'm drained by it all.

So then, why wont you ask her to leave?

Don’t just walk away. Walk away and start packing her things. You do not have to wait until she grows up enough to sit down and say oh mum that was a bit unreasonable of me wasn’t it?

Are you scared she will be angry with you if you ask/send he r to her dads ?

She is a fucking brat, kick her out to her Dads, only have her over if she can behave like an adult.

Your younger D.C. don’t need this shit.

I haven't fantasised about kicking her out of my house, nor have I referred to her as a spoilt brat. It's unfair to insinuate that I have done so.

You’ve ignored everything I said about this behaviour being indicative of major MH issues and when and how you think this started.

Okay so:
Parents are divorced
She suffers from anxiety and is being treated for it
Dropped out of/couldn't settle at college
Can't manage a full time job
Has full on out of control melt- downs
Anger management issues

Was she always like this op? To be fair there are a lot of markers there for neuro-developmental disorders. ASD/ADHD.

What help and support has she had so far. I think the above issues need to be discounted before drastic action is taken. She needs help; not kicking out.

She may be on anxiety medication but clearly that isn't what she needs. I'd pack her bags now or she will not compromise. Do it to MAKE her listen to you. Let her unpack them when she agrees to get assessed by a doctor.

I know it's an awful thing to have to do but otherwise you'll continue to enable her. She tantrums all night because she can, and she can get away with it.

Poor you this sounds really tough.

What is the downside of sending her to her dads?

You can say it is a practical decision as much as anything - say your are unable and unwilling to live with her behaviour but he seems better at living with her because he is willing to indulge her as if she is five so it's best for everyone.

I don't get what the downside of that is? Are you worried she will stop speaking to you or something?

Yeah we're clearly not taking about something that's going to be sorted out with a frank chat. Does she say horrible things to you when she's angry? Does she have any history of self harm? Does her behaviour damage any other relationships other than yours and with her boyfriend, like friends or co workers? Mood swings?

You complain .. then make excuses .. but in the end you are just enabling her.

Maybe a stint at her dad is just what she needs🤷🏻‍♀️ Change of scenery, change of residential parent ..

You probably need a break from each other and I am assuming it will be a welcome break for your DH & other children too

Firstly let me start by saying her behaviour is totally unacceptable and you shouldnt be subjected to tantrums etc and neither should your younger children...

However... this could of been me between the ages of 13 and 19 when I had my son. I'm autistic and frequently became overwhelmed and without the correct tools to manage my emotions would resort to yelling and meltdowns which looked like tantrums. Thankfully I had recognised earlier on how inappropriate this was and met a therapist who helped me learn to recognise sensory triggers and how to manage these emotions healthily. Since that age I've probably yelled twice if that...

I still experience overwhelming emotional difficulties at times and sensory overload but my response to them is entirely different. Have you ever had concerns around ASD? Women often present very differently to the stereotypical " autistic" profile

Anyway I would suggest she is instructed that this behaviour is unacceptable and she must seek help and support from professionals or find her own place to live

She tantrums all night because she can, and she can get away with it.

Nope. Certain MH/developmental disorders cause people to behave in ways that damage relationships even when they've repeatedly seen the problems that behaviour causes.

So she's a freeloader too?

I have tried countless times to have conversations with her about it all but it always ends up with her having a screaming tantrum and rolling around on the floor. She won't have an adult conversation. She dooesn't have to! Mainly because what she does has always worked and shows no isgn of stopping.

As I said earlier... not a 2-way conversation a question and answer session with any 'behaviour' earning a leave date!

Or just put up with it...

By letting her carry on like this you are telling her (and your younger dc) that it’s ok.
She’s 21! When does it stop?
Give her notice to leave.

Have you ever told her not to be so fucking ridiculous? I have a 19 year old she has had a hellish time in some ways and I am indulgent of her sometimes but really? If she acted like that I would call her fucking ridiculous and tell her to get a grip medication doesn't work unless you take it daily and in the real world people dont act like this and get away with it

Certain MH/developmental disorders cause people to behave in ways that damage relationships even when they've repeatedly seen the problems that behaviour causes. As does being spoiled, insecure and not fully adult. All learned behaviours. Everyone has to learn ho to be self sufficient. It is scary for everyone. Sometimes a less sturdy child will refuse to grow up.... most are disabused other 'eternal child' hopes very quickly. Some hang on...

Automatically assuming MH issues, and the giving of a free pass because of them, is, frankly, part of the problem and does nobody any favours!

Tell her that as she many places to go where people don't mind her behaviour, to go to one of them. Who cares whether it was her choice or not before? Now is when it's your choice.

Think of your other children.

If she wants to stay, you expect a level of behaviour consonant with her actual age, which includes contributing to the running of the household (that means chores as well as money), and if she is not willing or prepared to do this, then you will be changing the locks.

Then actually do it.

She has to learn how to behave in a civilised manner and you being strong now is her only hope.

Video the next tantrum and play it back for her. Maybe she doesn't realise how she looks.

Can you not just take her stuff round to her dads today and text her whilst shes at work to tell her you have had enough of it

How old are your other children who are having to listen to this in the middle of the night? You also have a duty of care to them.

She sounds personality disordered OP has she been assessed by anyone?

You can read up on BPD here: www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/

She may have always been disordered but it could have been put down to being 'spoilt'. If she is, then she is acting out very difficult emotions and can't control them. It's akin to having no skin and feeling everything on the nerves.

This is really unfair for you to live like this and could of course affect your relationship if it hasnt already. Assuming she doesnt have an issue adhd or something I think she is old enough to fly the nest for the outside world. A fulltime job and a flat of her own. She needs to leave home.

I think people are excusing this as a MH issue, it seems very deliberate behaviour, when her mum attempts to talk to her she kicks off. It’s controlling aggressive behaviour, imagine this was her DH behaving like this? It’d be aggressive, controlling, abuse.