21 Year Old Daughter has tantrums and it's wearing me down.

[AvaGrace412]

Yep you read that right. 21!

Due to her father and various family members spoiling her as a child and allowing her to do as she wanted and behave as she wanted, I am embarrassed to say she's never properly grown up and acts like a spoiled child all the time.

Her latest tantrum was at midnight last night, she woke me up screaming and swearing as she'd had a minor disagreement with her boyfriend on a text message. Despite DH and I having harsh words with her and telling her to stop, the tantrum went on until about 4am.

She does this every couple of weeks or whenever anything doesn't go her own way. I'm drained by it all.

There is no way I could cope with this, it's hard enough when my 3 and 7 year olds have them (7 year old is worse!!) and obviously I can't kick them out! but 21?! No kids? No rent/bills? She has the chance now to do anything she wants with her life!

Do you think she has mental health issues? Nikki Grahame I think had a lot of trauma in her past (don't quote me) I think she had anorexia and almost died. I think a lot of her past explained her behaviour.

Maybe she'd benefit from some therapy? I'd start with an ultimatum today - therapy, even life coaching, or she goes to her dads. Or gets on the council housing list.

My brother had issues with anger and drugs and my parents were at an absolute loss. They had to issue a lot of threats before he sorted himself out aged 25, got qualified as an electrician and now does big jobs all over the world. She can have a life like that! you need to get her to focus on her future.

@Averythinline makes very good points you raised her too You need to have a woman to woman conversation with her, disturbing the house isn't right she has to know that.

To clarify a few things; the times she's been to live with her dad was her choice and her instigation, when I refused to give her her own way.

I have tried my best to do the right thing but it was very hard when she'd then go off to her dads and his parents house every weekend and come back acting spoilt and tantrumming constantly for days afterwards. My parents, who I am no contact with now due to their abuse of me, also spoiled her and she still sees them and they give her her own way and pander to her. They also tell her not to bother working anymore than part time.

She has had counselling in the past but says she hasn't found it helpful.

How on earth does her boyfriend put up with her? And what does she think your response would be to being woken up at stupid o'clock? Does she expect you to solve the problem for her (the problem being the row with the boyfriend). Are you supposed to ring him up and act as a moderator/go-between?

Believe me, I have tried countless times to have conversations with her about it all but it always ends up with her having a screaming tantrum and rolling around on the floor. She won't have an adult conversation.

I would start asking her to contribute to the household on a practical level she needs to start "paying her way"

OP my first thought when I read your last post was that she needs sectioning! A 21 year old adult female rolling around on the floor having a tantrum? My 3 year old barely even does that anymore - and when he does he'll snap out of it in a few minutes.

That is not normal adult behaviour she sounds like she needs professional help ASAP for everyone's benefit. How far will she go for attention? It sounds like a very scary, exhausting situation.

Does she have friends ? If so. How does she behave with them ?

Does it matter if her GPs and DF spoil her? Just get her out. She sounds appalling.

I've just seen your latest update, I really do think it's got to be more than a tantrum! What would you do if you walked down the street and saw an adult screaming and rolling around on the floor? I think I would call the police and let them refer to mental health crisis team, maybe start there! Let professionals assess her

If my DD was tantrumming and rolling on the floor I’d video it and threaten to post it all over SM if she steps out of line. I might even do it anyway and hope she strops off; that would give you time to bag her stuff up and change the locks.

Going to her dads for the weekend isn’t the cure. Going to her dads and being told not to come back is the only option (obviously she could also support herself but she won’t do that).
Your poor dh. He doesn’t deserve living with her or with you while you tolerate this. You know she has somewhere to go, tell her she’s no longer welcome at your home unless she can participate in life as an adult. You think it’s best she takes a minimum time of 1m living elsewhere to think about it, starting tomorrow.

Since you’re comparing her to Nicky from Big Brother, bear in mind that she has numerous lifelong MH problems including anorexia. I always felt that her emotional development had stalled at a young age, probably around the same time her eating disorder started.

It’s not normal to behave like that, so instead of calling your daughter a spoiled brat and fantasising about kicking her out of your house, I need you need to look more closely about when and how this behaviour started and what could have triggered it.

This is much more to this than a spoiled “princess”.

Thing is(imo) with children with zilch boundary is they become adults with zilch boundary and this is the result she can't cope with not being in control her anxiety rises and she loses the plot I think some anxiety treatment might help her .

I haven't fantasised about kicking her out of my house, nor have I referred to her as a spoilt brat. It's unfair to insinuate that I have done so.

TBH OP.. it sounds like you are also guilty of Pandering to her...

Mrsjayy, she is on medication for anxiety but it doesn't make much difference. I think you are right though about the zero boundaries issues crossing over into adulthood.

Is she aware her behaviour is unacceptable and childish? If so she needs to take responsibility and seek help. Anger management may work.

If not then you’ve got a bigger problem I’m afraid.

In either scenario tough love is required and she needs to be told to leave ASAP.

So she is sorry I missed that in one of your updates.

She is a spoilt brat. You do have to kick her out.
What about your other children?! Why the hell should they live with this brat?
Why should their childhoods be compromised?!

Hand her a bag tell her to pack up and get out.

Seriously, this is a 1+1. She can go to her dads to live and then work on what's causing this behaviour. She's 21, she needs a dose of the real world.

Next time she kicks off, ring the police to come and remove her. Tell them you don't want her to come back and she's to go to her dads.

If you just manage the situation then your younger kids who are absorbing this shit might not turn out as they would otherwise. Your poor neighbours.

Kick her out to her dads.

OP, she abused your family last night by her behaviour. What are you going to do?

Believe me, I have tried countless times to have conversations with her about it all but it always ends up with her having a screaming tantrum and rolling around on the floor. She won't have an adult conversation.

So walk away when she starts screaming, come back and resume the discussion when she stops. Sooner or later she'll be too tired to carry on, or will lose her voice.

It just sounds hellish and i think sending her to her dads is the only option even if it is to give you all a breather she will probably wail you are throwing her out blah blah but she needs to know and you need to be consistant.