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Original poster

21 Year Old Daughter has tantrums and it's wearing me down.

223 replies

AvaGrace412 · 06/01/2020 10:37

Yep you read that right. 21!

Due to her father and various family members spoiling her as a child and allowing her to do as she wanted and behave as she wanted, I am embarrassed to say she's never properly grown up and acts like a spoiled child all the time.

Her latest tantrum was at midnight last night, she woke me up screaming and swearing as she'd had a minor disagreement with her boyfriend on a text message. Despite DH and I having harsh words with her and telling her to stop, the tantrum went on until about 4am.

She does this every couple of weeks or whenever anything doesn't go her own way. I'm drained by it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvaGrace412 · 06/01/2020 10:56

She has lived with her dad in the past for various periods of time (her choice) but he just puts up with the tantrums and panders to her seemingly.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 06/01/2020 10:58

I have tried so many times speaking to her father about it but he said he doesn't give a fuck about my family life and her happiness is all he cares about.

So you've got a DH problem because he's enabling your DD behaviour. I'm sorry to say this but you need to step back and let your husband deal with her tantrums.

Original poster
AvaGrace412 · 06/01/2020 10:59

My DH isn't her father.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 06/01/2020 10:59

Sorry not your DH your DD father. Send her to live with him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/01/2020 11:01

You really need to have a grown up conversation with her, not her dad, or all you are doing is reinforcing her childishness.

Don't TELL her anything ASK her lots of questions...
Firstly tell her plainly that if she tries to avoid these questions, tries to deflect them or starts to cry or shout then you will no longer tolerate her behaviour in your home! She MUST grow up and become self supporting!

What is she doing about becoming able to be self supporting?
When will she pay for ALL of her expenses while living in your house?
Why does she think that her poor behaviour is acceptable, especially when it disrupts the sleep of the adults who ARE paying for her living?
What she is going to change to make her living in your house sustainable?

etc etc

And if you get so much as one blank, sullen look, one single screech of protest give her a date by which she must have vacated her room, left your house!

I was witness to similar with a cousing, many years ago. He was absolutely in denial, even when his dad handed him the first of his packed bags. He is now a fully functioning adult, married, kids own home etc etc!

mumwon · 06/01/2020 11:02

"one more tantrum & you will find your stuff on the doorstep & I am changing the lock & you can live with your father" _"You have had your last chance!"

YourOpinionIsNoted · 06/01/2020 11:05

Well she can go live with her dad then can't she?

MzHz · 06/01/2020 11:05

Honestly, tell her to leave. Her tantrums are ruining your life and she doesn’t have the right to do this to en entire household

She can go and stay with her dad until she sorts something out permanently, but this arrangement no longer works for you and you’re calling time.

However.... you too raised this child, she could have had this corrected long ago but you haven’t clamped down on it, or have not followed through with consequences so she doesn’t take you seriously.

Remind her that she has one life and one chance at it, so to get her head straight and work out what’s required of her as an adult and get on with it.

blissfulllife · 06/01/2020 11:05

We've got a wailing banshee in our family too. If things don't go get way it's screaming and bawling, foot stamping the lot! Blames a lot of it on her anxiety. Well blames everyone and everything for her outbursts.

Quite simply when she acts like a child we treat her like one.,,by totally ignoring the behaviour. Don't give it any attention at all. If She comes in screaming at 1am just shut her in her room and don't communicate with her. She will probably wake everyone up but persevere. Every single time she kicks off over something daft just don't react. She will stop bothering because she won't be getting the attention she wants.

It gets easier x

Ijustwanttoretire · 06/01/2020 11:07

You have my sympathy OP as I have a similar issue - and saying 'kick them out' is so easy to say. My son works FT but a minimum wage job and he simply cannot afford anything in the are where we live - so what, I kick him out and he ends up on the streets, prey to drug dealers and the like? Get real. In my sons case we think it is down to his ADHD which he has pretty much grown out of now, but still manifests itself occasionally. I really feel for you, unfortunately I have no answers. If you find one can you let me know?

TARSCOUT · 06/01/2020 11:11

I actually think she would gain more from living with her father. He might indulge her initially but once it starts upsetting his home.life....

ThunderboltandLightning · 06/01/2020 11:17

he just puts up with the tantrums and panders to her seemingly

Send her to live with him then leave them to it. You won't have to be hearing it. And he mind find a tantrumming adult is a lot less indulgence worthy than a child or teen.

okiedokieme · 06/01/2020 11:22

My dd does tantrum, hits, screams, bites - but she is autistic with moderate mental health issues as well. It's not easy, but setting clear boundaries helps

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 11:35

My DH isn't her father.

Ah, so your DH isn't the snowflake enabler, it's your ex?

Sit her down. Tell her last night was the last time she abuses any of you. Give her the choice:

  1. she behaves under your roof and one more instant will result in her stuff being turfed out onto the streets and her with it.
  2. she has one week to find her own accommodation and pay for it 100% (that'll teach her about true quality of life/consequences of part time working and flaking whenever she doesn't like something)
  3. she goes to live with her father.
Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 11:36

I suspect you've pointed out that this is incredibly childish and will harm her in future if or when she tries to get a proper job or sustain a relationship. I must say, I'd be tempted just to tell her to stop being childish and retreat to my room and close the door on her. Then in the morning I'd tell her it's time to grow up, and next time she had a tantrum like that you would have to throw her out as it's not fair on her siblings or indeed you.

CharlotteMD · 06/01/2020 11:53

Has she always behaved like that , even as a small child ?.

LemonTT · 06/01/2020 11:54

Why wait for a next time? I would put an end to this now. Tell her you cannot tolerate her behaviour any longer and give her a deadline to leave.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/01/2020 12:01

Send her to live with her Father.. her behaviour is unreasonable, and your response does not solve the problem. So make her move to her Fathers, permanently. Let him pander all he likes... Flowers

Stluciasun · 06/01/2020 12:01

You have my sympathy OP as I have a similar issue - and saying 'kick them out' is so easy to say. My son works FT but a minimum wage job and he simply cannot afford anything in the are where we live - so what, I kick him out and he ends up on the streets, prey to drug dealers and the like?

This is a joke?! What about millions of adults who can function? You need a backbone . You've created a child who hasn't got the skills to fend for themselves or be an adult.

Ever heard of tough love .

If you are that much of a door mat then you've created the problem

SerendipityJane · 06/01/2020 12:02

My DH isn't her father.

There's a real risk he won't remain your DH much longer, either.

SunshineAngel · 06/01/2020 12:04

Being honest, it sounds like she has major issues, and could use counselling. No adult should be behaving like that, whether spoilt or otherwise.

Okay, so she argued with her boyfriend via text. That is NOT any reason to wake you up with a tantrum that lasts for 4 hours.

She actually sounds mentally disturbed.

PrincessScarlett · 06/01/2020 12:06

Agree with everyone else. Kick her out/send her to live with her father. She's an adult and should be able to stand on her own two feet.

Mrsjayy · 06/01/2020 12:08

I would send her to live with her dad she is a grown arsed woman you don't have to put up with her nonsense.

BelfastNonBlonde · 06/01/2020 12:11

My sister (mid 20s) is like this.

My mum finally started standing up to her so she hot footed it out to live with my dad (who always pandered to her).

She has now fallen out with my dad who finally realised what she was really like and won't have her back apparently.

Perhaps try moving her along to her Dad as a first port of call? Just be aware that it may not last.

Sounds like she needs some anger management therapy and to learn that she needs to stand on her own two feet / learn some responsbility and maturity. This may need to be the hard way if she's forced to fend for herself for a bit.

My sister is still studying, but we live in hope that when she's done she will learn valuable life skills etc from the workplace, that we haven't been able to teach her!

averythinline · 06/01/2020 12:12

I think you need to have an adult to adult conversation with her.....about where she sees her life going and how where your boundaries are now she is an adult...

if shes been back and forth between you and her dad and you have younger siblings she may have issues over that ... however 21 is def adult time ... so your expectation is she needs to behave like an adult..
is she getting help/medication for her anxiety ?

think about what outcome you want - does she need to leave home completely or attend college/ work full time is her dad paying her way if she is only part time....

its an unsustainable situation but maybe she needs time and input from you to get into the next stage of her life -

you talk about others spoiling her as a child - you were there what did you do about it?? you are her parent by far the biggest influence on her behaviour...
you seem to blame others... and now her dad and her .... not reflecting on yourself and your input... maybe think about that and how to move forward .... and what you can do with her in esatblishing a future relationship

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