21 Year Old Daughter has tantrums and it's wearing me down.

[AvaGrace412]

Yep you read that right. 21!

Due to her father and various family members spoiling her as a child and allowing her to do as she wanted and behave as she wanted, I am embarrassed to say she's never properly grown up and acts like a spoiled child all the time.

Her latest tantrum was at midnight last night, she woke me up screaming and swearing as she'd had a minor disagreement with her boyfriend on a text message. Despite DH and I having harsh words with her and telling her to stop, the tantrum went on until about 4am.

She does this every couple of weeks or whenever anything doesn't go her own way. I'm drained by it all.

She needs to move out and when she wants to meet up do it in a public place and never let her sleep at your house again.

Oksanna, her father hit me repeatedly. Pardon me for not saving my marriage!

Thanks everyone for the advice, all taken on board

I've been an avid reader on NPD for years, experienced it first hand growing up and in relationships. It isn't rare (many argue it comes in at about 1 in 10). Normal neurotypical people don't throw tantrums at 21. NPD is a possibility. I am not diagnosing anything. But I am saying it is a possibility. Its actually more fucking ignorant not to realise how rife personality disorders are in society. If we stopped dismissing adult women throwing tantrums as 'immaturity' or 'selfishnrss' then maybe they would get the help they need before they turn twenty one and drive their poor families to distraction like in ops case.

@AvaGrace412 don't feed the trolls it is nobodies business why you divorced.

Oksanna, her father hit me repeatedly

Is this a candidate for the biggest drip feed of 2020 (so far) ?

34SerendipityJane

*Oksanna, her father hit me repeatedly

Is this a candidate for the biggest drip feed of 2020 (so far) ?*

What are you on about the op isn't drip feeding she is responding to another poster who commented on divorce and how women don't try hard enough at marraige.

What are you on about the op isn't drip feeding she is responding to another poster who commented on divorce and how women don't try hard enough at marraige.

Seems a big fact to leave till now. It could explain a lot of things previously mentioned. I guess I'm out of step with the world (again) ...

An avid reader. Oh, I missed that part. Well, do carry on. It'll be NPD or BPD or have you read enough on HPD?

People can be ridiculous, selfish & bratty and have zero MH issues. But you'd never know if you read a MN thread.

OP - your daughter sounds like she needs massive consequences to her actions - what are they at present?

People can be poorly brought up, that's true.

However, a child with a physically abusive father, with abusive grandparents, who has lived with domestic violence, can be very affected by it. That's unfortunately the effects of childhood trauma.

People can be ridiculous, selfish & bratty and have zero MH issues.

This. It is frightening/troubling/gobsmacking the weird desire on MN to never want a shitty personality - which remember, is the primary cause of bad behaviour - to be the explanation for behaving like an arse, but instead mental illness from depression to schizophrenia to always be the jump-to answers.

Until your child does this, it is so easy to say chuck them out, but the truth is we live them and keep hoping they will grow up.
If your child refuses to adult, there is no way to make them, all you can do is wait till they want something enough to change.
All you can do is don't fund them.
Don't do everyday things that ease their life's.
No lifts.

This. It is frightening/troubling/gobsmacking the weird desire on MN to never want a shitty personality - which remember, is the primary cause of bad behaviour - to be the explanation for behaving like an arse, but instead mental illness from depression to schizophrenia to always be the jump-to answers

@Devereux1 I'm sick of it! One of my replies got reported because I vented. Maybe they've got BPD because they took such offence to me swearing???

Every third thread someone shouts BPD, NPD or some other armchair, tick box diagnosis. And as for there being a higher number of those with NPD in the population - people can be natcissists without the personality disorder! Such ableist, reductive crap.

I second the idea of filming it and playing it back to her and depending on where it goes ask her to go to her father’s. I don’t want to sound mean but I’m actually speechless you allowed any behaviour of this king beyond the age of 9 years old, I mean seriously rolling around on the floor?
My DS got despatched to his Dads a couple of times and it really helped why should you put up with this ?

It sounds like she’s had a pretty disfunctional childhood. Has she had counselling?

Sounds like borderline personality disorder.

That is awful to live with, hope it isn't.

Wait her father is abusive and violent????? That's a big thing to leave out!

What about all the children who had a normal loving home and act this way .
Some children just think they are it.

@AvaGrace412 - I rarely diagnose anything here, but I do agree with @ScreamingLadySutch that your daughter's behaviour is indicative of Borderline Personality Disorder, which would also be borne out by the circumstances she grew up in.

@QueenOfOversharing thank you!

diagnosed BPD here also. all you armchair psychiatrists can get to fuck. i have never tantrummed and rolled on the floor, and neither have any of the other people i know who have BPD. interestingly, do you know how many people with BPD i know? a fuckton more than you do. none of this sounds like BPD. not a thing, according to the diagnostic criteria.

BPD is not what you should immediately think of when someone is behaving badly and/or irrationally. i am not manipulative or petulant, neither do i behave like a child.

every one of you who has read a description of OP’s DD and thought ‘that sounds like BPD’ needs to shut up. just, fucking shut up. it’s very, very offensive.

Isn’t the problem that the OP is focused on her ex’s past behaviour. It’s in every post. Whilst that was awful, the issue today is his daughters behaviour. And as an adult her daughter needs to take responsibility for how she behaves. Whatever the cause.

Sadly I think the daughter has been sucked into other battles and is now actively playing parties off. She isn’t even allowed to own her behaviour because it isn’t part of the rules of battle.

She needs to know there are boundaries she cannot step over without consequences. The rest of the world won’t analyse her and deliberate the role of her father and GPs. She will get short shrift. Which compounded with a lack of financial independence will make her vulnerable in life.

The last thing that should happen is that she is told to go to her fathers because it’s his fault.

@exWifebeginsAgainat46 hear hear! I know ppl with BPD diagnosis too & none of them fit with what OP is describing. It's so offensive to use this term when anyone appears violent, or manipulative or neurodivergent! Many BPD traits overlap with ASD - and I can tell you how there would be a huge uproar if ASD were "diagnosed" by PP.

This is a serious psychological illness, not some throwaway catchall for anyone you feel acts like a cunt. The stigma within MH is bad enough without Brenda from Prestatyn telling "it's BPD, look at this list!"

This has really pissed me off & I'm sorry you are affected by this shit too.

exwife and queen

fucking cunt

^since you think this language is OK, how about you take some of it on board for yourself?

See, its quite unpleasant isn't it? When the shoe is on the other foot.

Try to get your views across without abusing other people. Try it, you might like it. It also derails the thread.

I meant you fucks and cunts.

See.

Really unpleasant isn't it, to be called such names?

Grow up exwife and queen, and get off your sweary high-horses.

I'm 25 and if I had acted like that at 21 my mum would have slapped me, hard.

Nikki Grahame had serious mental health problems. It's probable your dd does too. Please don't just write her off as having tantrums, but neither should you feel you have to put up with her behaviour. Can you and your partner come up with a 'party line' on what you will/won't accept from her and what she will need to do to help herself - counselling etc ?