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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

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pallisers · 04/01/2020 23:36

Have you the money to go out and buy each of your boys a bed? If so do it and have them delivered and look him in the eye and say "fuck off with this shit, my children are going to sleep in a safe bed"

Floydian · 04/01/2020 23:40

Can you send a picture?

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:41

He won’t let me. I told my son the other day I would make his bed up in his bedroom but dh pushed me out the way in front of dh and moved mattress up to the attic bed. He is quite intimidating. I’m hoping that on Monday it will get resolved.

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sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:44

Yes I have photos but how to I upload on here?

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Porpoises · 04/01/2020 23:45

You need to leave him and protect your boys. He is abusive and controlling. Have you ever contacted any abuse support lines? Women's aid or a local service could help.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/01/2020 23:50

Can you sleep with the boys in one of their rooms?

Is there anywhere else you can go, friends etc?

Weenurse · 04/01/2020 23:53

Good luck, he sound dreadful.

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:54

Well my mum lives next door as part of the project we did (and that’s another reason why I can’t leave him right now as my mum has all her money tied up with us so I need to be patient til that gets sorted) we have slept at my mums a few times over the Xmas period but he has made them sleep up there last few nights and he just won’t listen. I’m sleeping up there with them to protect them. It’s a crazy situation!

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sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:56

He’s a bully and I feel like calling the police but I’m guessing that’s a bit extreme!

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Porpoises · 04/01/2020 23:57

No I don't think that's too extreme. Abuse and coercive control is illegal.

Weenurse · 04/01/2020 23:58

Let’s see what the building inspector says

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:59

I don’t know why it won’t let me post pictures on here??

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FredaFrogspawn · 04/01/2020 23:59

I don’t think it is too extreme. Why not call the non-emergency ones? No one should be forced into a dangerous situation they don’t want to be in, especially children.

Checkthemeaning · 04/01/2020 23:59

I work in health and safety sleepyhorse so if you could post a photo I can have a look for you?

Is it just the ladders you think are unsafe? Are they securely fixed? What sort of edge protection is at the edge of the mezzanine floor? Does this seem robust enough?

Even if it is perfectly safe, if your boys don't feel comfortable sleeping up there then they should have freedom of choice. I wouldn't sleep somewhere where I didn't feel safe and they should have the same rights.

FannyFifer · 05/01/2020 00:00

This sounds crackers but are they kind of like bunk beds without bottom bunk?

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:03

I wish I could send you a pic to show you. I have some in my phone but for some reason it won’t let me post them

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ineedaholidaynow · 05/01/2020 00:05

Why would your DH make a DC sleep on a mezzanine floor when they are scared of heights?

How are your finances tied up with your mum's? If you were to leave would your mum still have to live next door? If your DH were to leave what would the financial position be?

Nanna50 · 05/01/2020 00:07

Move in next door with your DM. He is bullying you and your children. You can not rely on the building inspector to save you. Calling the police is not extreme it’s the right thing to do, he assaulted you and is controlling all of you including your DM.

notapizzaeater · 05/01/2020 00:07

Can you not put a blow up bed on the floor, why would you make kids scared of heights sleep on them ? He's abusing the kids

JasonPollack · 05/01/2020 00:08

You can absolutely call the police. Please, please do. He is abusive and controlling. He pushed you, you are frightened of him.

At least stay with your mother. All of you.

Checkthemeaning · 05/01/2020 00:08

I just had a quick Google of mezzanine floor bedrooms & some do seem really high, almost just below the ceiling. I think even I would feel weird up there & I'm not scared of heights.

candycane222 · 05/01/2020 00:10

He is an abuser. You need to make careful plans to leave. It sounds like the beds are just the tip of the iceberg. Don't make your dcs live like this.

Tread carefully, but be clear that you need to get (or get him)out. I can't imagine how confusing and distressing this must be for everyone.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:14

The other night he came to my mums house to take the boys back when I was planning a sleepover. Only one of the boys is scared of heights. And whilst the one who isn’t scared of heights thinks his new bedroom is “so cool” he has spent last few days sleeping in the same attic side as myself and my autistic son. So that’s telling me he’s obviously not loving his new bed that much! Just trying to keep daddy happy I guess

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ineedaholidaynow · 05/01/2020 00:16

Do the floors have safety rails on them?

NoFun21 · 05/01/2020 00:16

You are in the right. Let your boys sleep on the floor rather than up there. Get a good surveyor our over to look? If DH is aggressive about them sleeping in own beds then take them away until resolved to a travrlodge oe whatever .

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