Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:17

I guess I have been thinking about leaving but it’s just all such a mess right now financially. I will never forgive him for this!

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 05/01/2020 00:17

What would happen if you took the boys to your mum's and told him they were having a sleepover there and you refused to let them go home?

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:19

Ineedaholidaynow - handrail is only on one side

OP posts:
Weenurse · 05/01/2020 00:19

He sounds like a bully

plumpmom · 05/01/2020 00:22

What’s his problem? Has he got mental health issues? He doesn’t sound normal!! You need to get away from this weirdo. Your life with this man is extremely strange and stressful. So weird. Tell him you want a separation because he is bizarrre and not normal. Then mean it. Rent a house or Airbnb and get out and go to a solicitor. Don’t you want a normal life with a normal partner? You didn’t sign up for this shit and your kids deserve a normal life!!!

plumpmom · 05/01/2020 00:23

Take a sledgehammer to the whole lot and tell him to go fuck himself

humblesims · 05/01/2020 00:31

You need to leave him and protect your boys. He is abusive and controlling. Have you ever contacted any abuse support lines? Women's aid or a local service could help
Agree with this. Although Take a sledgehammer to the whole lot and tell him to go fuck himself also sounds tempting.
You say in your OP that one of the reasons you are staying is for the kids....but you can see how nuts that sounds considering the rest of your post.
Could you stay at your mums next door? He does sound like an awful bully.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/01/2020 00:33

Agree with the sledgehammer ..
He sounds like an abusive, egotistical bully, rather than a man having a breakdown.
Who on earth forces a scared, autistic child to sleep on a high mezzanine ? How old are your boys OP ?

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:34

Humblesims - I guess this is the first time seen him be like this with the kids. I’ve never had parental concerns about him before (just as a husband unfortunately!!)

OP posts:
sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:36

Sirvix - they are 9 and 11 (the autistic one has pretty much been brainwashed into sleeping up there. Although when I reminded him of how he hates heights he told me that’s because I’ve been brainwashing him)

OP posts:
sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:37

I feel sick! I know that you are all absolutely right - I need to get out of this abusive relationship!

OP posts:
bd67th · 05/01/2020 00:38

If you post using your phone's web browser, tapping the "browse" buttons under the box where you type your message will let you upload a picture.

Knewmee · 05/01/2020 00:39

Go to a solicitor on Monday. You need to get him out of the house, on the basis that he’s a danger to the children. It should not be you who leaves the house.

A solicitor will advise you what to do to get rid of him ASAP.

You might need to have your mum stay in the house for a bit for security.

He’s not listening to you, he’s physically & emotionally aggressive, domineering, bullying, irresponsible, & not taking on board safeguarding concerns. Run from this man. It won’t get better and your kids could suffer an entirely preventable accident if you don’t escape him.

Incidentally, is he using drugs? The behaviour you are describing strikes a chord with my own experience of a heavy cannabis smoker - obsessive focus, inability to listen, aggression, unrealistic expectations.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 00:42

Knewme - no he definitely doesn’t take drugs. Just very full of himself and think he knows best. And there is absolutely no way he will leave this new house as it’s been his dream for years! He has told me in an argument the other day that I should move out and he’ll buy me out!

OP posts:
Seemstress · 05/01/2020 00:46

He sounds totally deranged and incapable of putting his children's needs above his own. You could speak to Children's services and report a potential Safeguarding Concern regarding his behaviours towards your kids.

Daisyourslives · 05/01/2020 00:52

Can’t you click on the paper clip below the message to add the photos?

Equanimitas · 05/01/2020 00:54

If he's pushing you out of the way so that he can make the boys sleep dangerously, that's assault and potential child neglect. Do at least call the police on 101 for help with this.

BillHadersNewWife · 05/01/2020 00:56

If you can get him reported for coercive control/abuse, then you can get a possession order and get him out of the house.

CJsGoldfish · 05/01/2020 01:04

I’ve never had parental concerns about him before
Your children are growing up in an abusive home. It is their 'normal'. You are modelling what they will believe a relationship should be.

It is up to you to show them otherwise before it actually IS too late and you are watching them behave the same in their own relationships Sad

rudolfsquiffy · 05/01/2020 01:12

Just post the photos, who can tell otherwse?

kateandme · 05/01/2020 01:44

let him buy you an your mum out

just5morepeas · 05/01/2020 01:54

He has told me in an argument the other day that I should move out and he’ll buy me out!

Take him at his word.

alexdgr8 · 05/01/2020 02:44

it doesn't really matter bout the height, construction of the platform, although it does sound v dodgy.
were these builders kosher, or odd jobbers who would do anything he paid them. surely it should have had building control from town hall to inspect, or a surveyor/ architect's plan.
does it have a proper guard rail around the platform, not just a grab rail on the steps.
anyway, its kind of academic, it wouldn't matter if he was forcing them to eat Weetabix rather than shredded; his behaviour is abusive, to them and to you.
co-ercive control is a recognised criminal offence. I think its under the criminal law act 2015. it refers to someone in a family/ romantic/ domestic situation controlling another by threats, or financially, intimidation, isolation from family/ friends, telling them what they can/ not do, go, who see, work etc. every or any aspect of life. it does not need violence to be an offence.
you said he wont let you buy beds; how does he control your use of money. that;s another one.
anyway his behaviour to the children is very abusive.
you should contact police, womens aid, childrens services.
you need as much help and support as you can get.
ask the building inspector if he permits you to film record his visit.
the plcing of the steps sound hazardous alone, even for an adult, let alone children.
can you take them to your mothers and lock door, bolt, chain, so husband cannot get in.
record him on phone if he starts a disturbance, any threats, demands.
call police. you owe it to your children. save them. jump through the fire/ money can be replaced. your children's mental health, and physical safety is precious, and so vulnerable. get out. now.
good luck. keep us informed. there are people on here who would come and help you.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 09:45

Checkout meaning - yes it is just below the attic ceiling height.

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?
OP posts:
sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 09:47

Oh I see it’s finally let me send a pic. I’ll try and post some more

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread