Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

[sleepyhorse]

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP, you're focusing on completely the wrong thing.
Stop going on about the bedrooms and protect your kids.
Financial worries, childcare worries etc etc mean nothing compared to your children's mental health.
If you're thinking about phoning police and social services about your husband then you need to leave.
Those poor children.

I have stuck up to him. I’m a strong woman. But the other night he came to my mums and physically took boys back to the house. At that point I didn’t think calling the police was the right thing to do as didn’t think they would take me seriously

There are lots of threads on here advising what to do with regards to seeing a solicitor. "getting your ducks in a row" etc. Please have a search. MN is a mine of information x

The room isn’t really big enough for that either so the stairs going to the window looks odd. As a compromise I’d say it looks cool and when the boys get older they can have that as their chill out areas but for now they can sleep on the lower floor and we can store stuff up there but sure dress it up for photos to impress the friends but then have their beds on the lower bit.

The doomed aren’t even big enough. Staircases should have been by the wall with a 90 degree turn with small landing around step 3(ish)

But all this is besides the point. Your husband is a complete duck who cannot see past his own wants and needs. The PE Apple pleasuring is part of his wants and needs as he likes people to think well of him (you and kids are his possessions so you’re all in a different category to other people)

Leave this arsehole.

Oh that really does look terrible. Surely that's not going to comply with safety standards. If anyone falls down the staircase they're going headfirst into a wall or window! Plus why on earth is their only 1 handrail?!

Your husband is a complete arse!!!

I know! I need to get away!
His argument re falling down the stairs is “well how is it any different to a normal stairs case - you could still fall and bang your head on a banister”
He doesn’t think it need a 2nd rail because it will restrict their walking space!
I hate him!!!!

I don't have anything against mezzanine, they're quite common in my country but that staircase doesn't even have a proper handrail, sticks in the middle of the room (they'd naturally go by the wall). Facing a bloody window! So if you slip you go right into it???
Your husband is an idiot!

Lazyface- apparently I’m the idiot!!

Are the windows breakable, or are they double glazed? If they're breakable, I'm quite horrified at the thought of what happens if a child misses his footing and falls down those steps.

There's absolutely no chance those steps will pass building regs.

I quite like mezzanine floors and have seen a few good ones but that layout doesn't work and stairs leading into a window with no space to stand on the floor when you reach it simply doesn't work. A spiral staircase might work but I'm still not sure what building regs will say in terms of fire regulations.

Get your stuff together now as much as you can ie passports, finances etc. If he becomes impossible to live with after he is officially told he is wrong, then make sure you can get out quickly if you need to.

Right I’m going to go into my other sons bedroom in a mo and take pics of that one as would appreciate your advice on that one too. It’s not as dangerous as it has a bay window hence not so close to the window. But it’s still steep has sharp edges on ladder which when kids run around could really cut their head if they bang into (and I will be pointing this out to building inspector tomorrow)

My goodness that staircase next to the window

How ridiculous

He sounds about as awful as his gash 'mezzanine' floor designs

Yes it’s double glazing but what if window got left open

well how is it any different to a normal stairs case - you could still fall and bang your head on a banister”

Normal staircases are fully enclosed, so you can't fall sideways off them. They don't end right in front of a window with no landing area. You also aren't generally going up and down them at night time when you may be sleepy.

Have any of your friends seen this? I wonder if he might come to his senses if other people pointed out the pitfalls.

How does that staircase work for an adult (or even a teenager)? Don't you have to sort of squeeze between the window and the stairs to get onto the first step? Your children won't be small for long and if anyone puts on much weight they won't be able to even get onto the stairs!

It's bloody daft is what it is. And your 'D' H has let his ego run away with him. You should take a tip from it and run away also. I'd guess he's not very good at hearing the words 'no, that won't work' is he?

I actually felt dizzy looking at that picture from the top of the steps and I'm not afraid of heights. Just the angle of the staircase and proximity to the wall...urgh.

Is there a light switch on the upper level?

I don't blame you for hating him. He sounds insufferable.

Yes falling down a normal flight of stairs would also result in injury but there would be adequate landing space on the floor so that you don't cannon head first into a wall!

Even if you ignore the window who would build a staircase right up to the wall. It must be really awkward stepping on and off it. Also having the staircase right in the middle of the room restricts what they can do in the room without hitting their head.

Surely you would put it against the end wall and then you can have storage under it, so not a wasted space.

Did the builders who put the mezzanine floor in do the rest of the building work?

Pics of the other bedroom

So above pics are of my other son’s bedroom. Not as close to the window but look at the sharp edges in ladder! (Excuse mess we’ve only recently moved in)

The stairs also look more like bunk bed ladders than proper weight bearing stairs. I'd worry more about the treads breaking than the sharp edges (doesn't look very well finished to me).

Oh OP, they look dreadful, what an awful/odd situation for you.

You seem very sensible and like you are taking the right steps, wishing you lots of luck

What is he proposing the DC wear on their feet blurry eyed, if they need you or need a wee in the night?

Socks - lethal
Slippers - They will probably forget & slip off if not on properly.
Bare feet - still bloody lethal, but maybe the best bet?

I broke my back by slipping off the top of a wooden staircase. I smashed my back on one stair and was off work for nearly a year. I cannot describe the pain.

I know I sound extreme but even now on my carpeted normal home stairs I hold the rail because of the past trauma.

My friend has two mezzanine floors one in older child's rooms has an actual beautiful hardwood ladder. Which I guess is even more dangerous, however he doesn't sleep up there.

But at least it's aesthetically pleasing is a perfect fit with a high drinking, and doesn't look like it's been knocked up in an hour from B&Q, whatever was he thinking.