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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
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sleepyhorse · 16/01/2020 17:36

I need some urgent advice. So the builders just came round to take both steps down. Dh has only allowed them to take one lot down and the ones on my other dc room still remains because he says he wants to use for storage/play area. The builders feel awkward and despite me screaming they have to come down they don’t want to be caught up in it. I’m fuming and told boys we are going to my mums next door for the night, he has told me no way and not allowed me to bring them saying I’m using the boys against him. I just don’t what to do. Feel like calling the police but what the hell can I say?

OP posts:
isitpossibleto · 16/01/2020 17:39

Sleepy - you have to remain calm here. What he is doing is attempting to make you look like the unhinged one.

Raindancer411 · 16/01/2020 17:40

Can you contact the building inspector and tell him DH is refusing to take the second set down and see what he says?

isitpossibleto · 16/01/2020 17:42

Calmly get the boys to bed. Placate him and then tomorrow contact the orgs already mentioned in the thread.

Lolapusht · 16/01/2020 18:40

OP you’ve got a lot going at the moment, but maybe post in Legal Matters for the houses. Someone may be able to give you some guidance which will help you know what needs to happen. It sounds quite complicated so you need to speak to a conveyancer. Get figures (who’s paid how much for what) and who’s on what title etc organised before you go to see them. They’ll also need copies of any Trust deeds etc that may have been signed between you and your mum.

Broken2020 · 16/01/2020 19:13

Op PLEASE call Women's Aid and 101 for advice. Women's aid are amazing when you can get through. 101 are also surprisingly helpful & supportive with abuse scenarios in my personal experience. Are you ok??? @sleepyhorse

sleepyhorse · 16/01/2020 19:32

Thank you. Yes I’ll call both women’s aid and 101. I’ve calmed down now with a glass of Prosecco and got amazing friends, mum and you lovely lot to talk to! I will call building inspector first thing in the morning to explain he refuses to take down. I feel like this has got to be one of the most bizarre threads on mumsnet (the bloody steps!! And crazy dh) 😂

OP posts:
sleepyhorse · 16/01/2020 19:36

Lolapusht- I found out that apparently I need to get mortgage lender round first to value place before I ca get Conveyence solicitor on board.

OP posts:
Broken2020 · 16/01/2020 19:56

Well I'm here all night OP and happy to talk as much as you like 😊 Here or via PM.
Where are the kids? If they're with you at your mums, did he kick off?

sleepyhorse · 16/01/2020 20:02

Broken2020 - thank you 🙏🏾 No he wouldn’t let the kids come with me. I feel bad but I needed to get out of that house. They were with me at mums last night

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 16/01/2020 21:31

How are the boys OP? If I were you I’d go quiet on the whole steps thing if possible, try to do your best to maintain calm at home, JUST for as long as it takes to get professional advice and support for you and them. Women’s Aid, legal advice from a DV specialist and anyone else they signpost you to. At least no one’s being forced to use the steps now (? I think) and it’s obviously going to take a lot of time to disentangle the finances etc. Prioritise the children’s and your mental and physical safety. That may well mean appearing to agree or at least accept some of the rubbish yr DH is spouting, for the moment.

sleepyhorse · 16/01/2020 21:53

Strawberryjam - the boys are ok although the one who isn’t autistic has been quite tearful over the last week saying he’s not feeling well. I’ve been concerned as he’s not been himself so have arranged a meeting to see his school family liaison officer. I’m wondering if the ‘tummy pains’ are linked to what’s going on at home

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 16/01/2020 22:23

Seems a distinct possibility, doesn’t it? Will you tell the liaison person the situation?

sleepyhorse · 16/01/2020 22:25

I’m not sure what I should say? Don’t want social services being dragged in?

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 16/01/2020 22:57

It’s a really difficult one sleepyhorse. Social services could be just what you all need, but ime they’re very unpredictable - for a variety of reasons. If you told all, the liaison officer might offer informal advice and support, or want to start an Early Help assessment, which means some professionals, eg school staff get together with you to work out how to support the children. Google it. Of course you’d have to factor in yr DH’s reaction, which I’m guessing wouldn’t be good. But the priority is what’s going to produce the best outcome for your children. Again WA will have some advice, I really wish you could arrange a 1:1 meeting with someone from your local DV organisation (doesn’t have to be WA).

timeisnotaline · 16/01/2020 23:59

You have to mentally shift to think of him as an abusive person, as that’s what he behaves like- abusive and violent. I wonder if it’s worth to check in with some of his friends and family to ask if he’s seemed normal? To lay the groundwork? You would need to have something prepared like I’m worried about him, he’s been very volatile, I’m worried for the boys. And if asked to elaborate -He has these steps put in for the boys beds, the building inspector described them as death traps but dh has lost his shit and won’t let the builders take them down. Shouting and yelling. He won’t listen to me.

And keep following up on the lawyers and dv help side. But also, stop telling the boys lies like we aren’t going to divorce. The tummy pains probably are stress.

FraglesRock · 17/01/2020 11:16

Hope you're ok this morning.

bd67th · 17/01/2020 13:13

a bit of pushing occasionally and throwing things at me

That's physical abuse and will escalate. If your sister or female friend was treated like that, would you deem it acceptable?

Re DS with tummy pains: stress can trigger IBS symptoms.

IndieTara · 17/01/2020 14:42

Yes to the 'stress' tummy pains. Had trouble with DD for a few years who had this after I split with XH

Broken2020 · 17/01/2020 18:00

@SleepyHorse How's things OP? Thanks

PicsInRed · 17/01/2020 19:16

Don't leave the kids with him.
He'll use that to defeat any arguments you make that he isn't fit to parent - which he isn't.

You SHOULD call the police if he refuses to allow you to leave the house with the children. It's coercive control which is a crime.

If you move out with the kids now - and you absolutely should for safety reasons - you will be in a much stronger position to argue safety concerns to reduce his contact with the children with family court. It isn't automatically 50/50 - best interests of the children and primary carer status quo carry a lot of weight.

Particularly in cases where the father is a total bellend.

GoldfishRampage · 18/01/2020 10:44

What an awful situation. 😱

StrawberryJam200 · 18/01/2020 19:25

PicsinRed unfortunately the problem with removing the children is that it makes it easy for him to claim mother is manipulating the children and trying to alienate them from him. These things are far from simple. Most “bellend” fathers are granted unsupervised contact.....

isitpossibleto · 19/01/2020 10:54

That’s exactly the angle he’ll go for - and some of these bastards are very good as convincing others

SoTiredTonight · 22/01/2020 23:43

@sleepyhorse Is everything ok?