Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

[sleepyhorse]

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

Wow, just wow.

I'm glad your switch flipped, OP. Stay strong, and best of luck with your upcoming meetings.

A child could fall through the gaps between the steps and.get trapped. These are not safe stairs for children's unattended use.

An abusive man usually won't back down without some self interest. This could be a threat to his external image, is there anyone who he respects who would give a view? He is doing this because he thinks their friends will be jealous so external image IS important to him.

These bully types are usually narcisstic so they respond to admiration and flattery. Might be too late now but as painful as it might be you could try flattery (my solicitor said, Ex needed smoke blown up his arse).."wonderful idea, so thoughtful of you to make the boys bedroom exciting and their friends will think you are amazing Dad..just a small amendment.. one of their friends said that it would be cool if it was against the wall. I will leave it to you as you are so good at this stuff"

Meanwhile still find ways to keep your boys safe and plan to leave. What I learnt was that Ex never wanted a mutually beneficial relationship, he had to be top dog and if I wanted compromise as an equal he saw it as a direct challenge to him. It is why abuse creeps up as in the early stages of a relationship we tend to be complimentary and perhaps defer to the other person as assume there will be give & take down the line. However it never comes.

It is also why women are advised to say No often and early on..especially when the relationship is established but no commitment such as marriage/house/children. Their reaction to No is very important to listen to.

Will your H be at work this week? Are the builders still available? If so I would ask them to make a change so its against the wall.

I hope the inspection gets results. In the meantime stay at your mums, and if he tries to force the boys back call the police.

Building control are going to tell you to rip them down straight away. No competent builder would have even consider installing those stairs and the workmanship is horrific. Do not pay your builder another penny, they should be arranging periodic inspections from building control and submitting plans, how the hell are you going to get that certificated for when you come to sell the house. Also, sack the husband!

My dh had some dream ideas when doing our build (nothing mad or dangerous like this) and our intelligent smart builder politely talked him out of them all. He managed us so well with hindsight he would not have allowed this!

What an arsehole bullying bastard your DH is. Aside from looking completely shite, and like he built it himself, it's so clearly dangerous and he can't see past his own ego to protect his own kids. I want to come to your house with a sledgehammer and knock those ladders down.

Anewchapter yes, just realised that.

Basically the H has not designed it properly and now is so uncompromising that he is forcing it through. Irrespective of consequences.

Building Regs definitely won’t permit those staircases and I’m really surprised a builder/joiner agreed to make them.

You’ve mentioned your mum has money tied up in your property. As an ex-lawyer I would strongly recommend that you and she visit an independent solicitor (ie has never worked for your husband) and ask them to help you two form a strategy for getting the property finished sufficiently for (1) your mum to get her £ out and (2) for you to realise your share of the property with a view to separating your assets from your husband’s.

My concern is that if it is your family’s plan to mortgage / re-mortgage the property in the future to return the £ your mum has loaned you to build it, you and your Husband will struggle to find a lender or be able to sell it if the internal structure doesn’t comply with building regs.

Your husband sounds like the type to make everything as difficult as possible when he isn’t getting his own way, you and your mum need to protect yourselves financially and from any future funny business he might try on. There is professional support available that will help you get through this, use it, you don’t have to deal with this alone

Regardless of it looking shit/shoddy workmanship, it looks really fucking dangerous with the bottom of a steep flimsy ladder being right in front of a window!

I'd be gobsmacked if that passes regulations.

You are completely 100% in the right and your husband is bonkers.

What happens if one of the boys is sick. How would You ever get him down. You couldn’t carry them down the stairs at that age. If they were unwell and not steady on their feet how would they make it to he loo.

Bonkers.

I am assuming the stairs that go right up to the wall and window wouldn’t be able to have a handrail both sides as that would make it very difficult for those of a larger build to actually get on the stairs, unless their backside had to stick out the window!

I wouldn't worry about the cheap stairs, you'll have to have them removed anyway.
The house could've been built within legal remit, of the highest and safest quality and materials and your DH would still be a violent bully. Staying for financial reasons and making long term plans and investments with abusers is never fair on the children involved.

Is dh going to be the one to climb up there for bed linen changes too?

WTactualF? I know you said he is not on drugs but honestly the first thing that popped into my mind is was he sniffing glue?

Narcissism is a helluva drug.

My DH is in construction, (think major builds, working with world leading architects) I’ve showed him the photos, he has said that neither stair case is built to building regs or safe.

He can only give his view from the photos but he has said that the first staircase is too close to the window, too steep, steps possibly too far apart and needs a handrail both side.

Second bedroom, handrail again, too steep and the last picture, where the bit sticks out he has said that ideally it needs to be flush, smooth but his concern was the position of the fixing, the bottom screw needs to be much higher, it’s not really holding anything together.

I would suggest before talking to a solicitor you talk to Women's Aid.
When you were with your Mother, could you keep him out? What would he have done if you refused to go?

At the first violence or serious intimidation, phone the police.

The window one is awful. Age 17 I was sober, awake and in daylight - I slipped at the top of some stairs. The stairs were 20, platform, 20 more and glass window/door at the bottom. I did the whole lot in one go, landed inches from the window and shattered my ankle and foot. If I had done the same on that ladder I would have gone straight through the window. Honestly the distance I fell was incredible and that was just a slip
I don't say that to frighten you but it's obviously not safe

Oh my word that photo! He’s utterly deluded if he thinks that looks cool!

Your poor boys though, and you.

Also, what if there was a fire!? God forbid, but how would a firefighter get up those ladders to retrieve a child?

Not to mention the fact the smoke would suffocate them all the sooner for being up so high.
But I doubt your selfish husband has ever considered that, it's only about him.

So are you going to leave him or are you going to make your kids keep living with an abuser?

Hi, sorry I haven't had time to read the whole thread, so apologies if I'm repeating info, my work is allied to the construction business and yes that's ridiculous, the main worry is the lack of a safe landing at the bottom of the staircase in the event of someone stumbling down, if those are openable windows it does not bear thinking about, also the lack of the second hand rail, building control will not like this at all, however, I have found that the officers outside the main cities can be a little lacking in knowledge sometimes, so I would ask them to issue a notice of demolition and set a date for completion and re-visit to check, and for what its worth your Husband sounds abusive and crazy.

Bloody hell. I would not be able to cope with that either OP.

OP I just wanted to echo other posters points and say you need to leave this man as soon as possible for you and your children’s sake.
I hope the building inspection highlights all the safety issues with both sets of stairs. Plus aside from the obvious safety problems how on earth could your husband think that the stairs look good in any way? Right in the middle of both rooms and right next to the windows, it is total madness.
Please also consider gathering up all your financial stuff or copies you might need if you decide to separate and see a solicitor.
It is a good sign that he mentioned buying you and your mother out, that could be a good way out.
Best of luck tomorrow and take care x

Your husband is a dangerous man and this is abusive.

Please take steps to remove yourself and your children from this situation as soon as possible.