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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
TheStuffedPenguin · 05/01/2020 09:50

Who thought that was a good idea to have steps end like that so close to a window ? Confused

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 09:51

As you can see in the above pic, the stair is right by my sons bedroom window and this is my main concern

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sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 09:53

Thestuffedpenguin- exactly my thoughts! It was my dh idea and apparently me and my mum are mental for even suggesting it’s a danger!

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ThisLittlePiggyWentTo · 05/01/2020 09:54

That is quite frankly bizarre. And if his point is that he is showing off to others, surely he can see that everyone will look at that and think it looks crap?

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/01/2020 09:54

It looks shit too. Like something off a nightmare builder tv show.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/01/2020 09:56

Why not put the ladder against a side wall so it's not smack bang in the middle of the window like that? How bonkers!

53rdWay · 05/01/2020 09:57

That is just odd. Who would build a staircase ending inches from a wall like that?

Is he behaving bizarrely in other things as well?

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 09:58

Here are a few more pics

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?
Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?
Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?
OP posts:
Lllot5 · 05/01/2020 09:58

That hasn’t been passed by building regs has it? If they are coming on Monday I’m sure they will make him change that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/01/2020 09:58

I'd be tempted to book a builder to come in and dismantle it all one day when he is out. Build a bedrframe on the floor for the mattress.

Oggden1 · 05/01/2020 10:01

Has he done it so they have more room in the bedrooms to play? The ladder is madness, if it was against the wall and with a handrail it would be fine. But surely it shouldn't end at the bottom of a window!

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 10:03

Lilot - building regs people came at the start of the building when they were doing extension etc but not been since bed attic was built. DH reckons it’s perfectly safe and that he checked with building regs. But he is clearly lying to me. The amount of stress this has put me through is unbelievable. Yet I’m told again and again that it’s me who is causing all the problems! Can someone please confirm I’m not going mad thinking this is wrong!

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sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 10:05

And yes it looks absolutely shit!!!!

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BeckyButters · 05/01/2020 10:05

It won't pass Building Regulations with regards to the handrails but the Building Control Officer may have other comments to make.

But your main concern is to get away from this controlling bully.

Goodgollymiss · 05/01/2020 10:05

It looks really badly thought out, having read the posts I was expecting your dh was choosing spectacular over safety but this is neither, it is basically a ladder left in middle of room

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 10:06

I had no sleep last night as had to share a single bed mattress in the attic with my 2 boys! Fuck this shit - we are sleeping at my mums tonight! And fingers crossed re building inspector tomorrow!

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Lolapusht · 05/01/2020 10:06

Op, that looks ridiculous! Looks like he’s effectively taken away being able to use the rest of the room for anything as the steps take up all the space. Is the other room finished? He’s not making them sleep in a building site? Why only one hand rail?

How did he insist on them sleeping in their rooms? You need to be able to have a voice and it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting your opinions.

PicsInRed · 05/01/2020 10:06

It looks fucking stupid and will lower your property value.

Obviously to a normal person it's also unsafe for a child to be stumbling down those steps directly towards an open 2nd floor window. Or even just glass panes. God he's stupid. The building inspector won't be impressed.

Document all, including a diary of what he said, what you said, photos, threats, the shove, your kids' fear, dates, times etc and file an urgent application for child arrangements and occupation order. He's mad and dangerous and needs to be removed from the house.

If your son has ASD, have you considered the genertic element? Could your husband also have ASD? Regardless, that's no excuse and he needs to go for your and your children's safety.

BeckyButters · 05/01/2020 10:06

Also stairs need a proper landing at the bottom.

BeckyButters · 05/01/2020 10:07

Also stairs need a proper landing at the bottom.

Have a read https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/443181/BRRPDFADDK_2013.pdf

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 10:09

That actually looks shit due to proximity to thr window. The stairs are clearly too steep. And obviously need a hand rail either side. I honestly can't think anyone in their right mind would think that was ok, even for an adult, never mind a kid. I certainly wouldn't wish to be manoeuvring down those stairs in the middle of the night if I wished to get up.

The other concern is you're unable to stand up to your husband, to the extent your kids are put in danger.

Personally I'd be telling him they aren't sleeping up there till building regs sign it off and he can fuck off if he doesn't like it, but the kids safety comes first.

TwentyViginti · 05/01/2020 10:11

OP let him buy you out - although with that ridiculous and dangerous mezzanine set up I expect the house value is reduced.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 10:12

I agree with you all
No he doesn’t have ASD
but there’s clearly something not right in his thought process!
Ok going to call a solicitor tomorrow? Is that the right way forward? Can someone advise what I need to do legally as have no idea? I’m pretty sure I’m the prime carer of my ASD son so not sure if that puts me in a stronger position?

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Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 10:12

I would add it might work if there was a spiral stair case down to the middle of the room, with double hand rails.

I'm also bemused any reputable builder would put that in, and would assume a total cowboy.

Sicario · 05/01/2020 10:13

Holy shit. What an idiot. Sounds like he's well and truly stuck down the dead-end alleyway of male pride.

Let him live in his "dream house" on his own. Wanker.

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