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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
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StrawberryJam200 · 23/01/2020 19:39

I’ve kept thinking of you and your DC too!

sleepyhorse · 23/01/2020 21:54

Yes, sorry I’ve gone quiet. The steps came down in both rooms as I simply instructed a builder to take them down. His reaction was very bizarre, when he saw they had gone he said absolutely nothing. I think possibly because his friends had been telling him to just get rid of them so he must have realised he was being a dick! The situation with us is we are being civil to each other for the sake of the kids and he has calmed down a lot but I’m sleeping in the guest room and we are pretty much living separate lives. I can’t see a future, that line was crossed and no going back for me but I’m having to bide my time until all the financial house stuff is in place. Thanks for thinking of me 😘

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 23/01/2020 22:24

Just read the whole thread. Good luck op. Sounds like it sill be a long road

SoTiredTonight · 23/01/2020 23:43

Thank you for popping back on @sleepyhorse, was getting a little concerned that maybe he’d kicked off or something. Glad to hear he’s civil.
Do look after yourself and DCs! xxx

Weenurse · 25/01/2020 00:32

Thanks for the update.
I hope things improve for you

MyOwnSummer · 25/01/2020 08:43

Hmmm. Glad to hear the stairs are gone. It seems odd that he's gone quiet though.

SoTiredTonight · 04/02/2020 19:30

Hi @sleepyhorse, just checking in on you. Hope all is going well for you!? xx

Bockbockcaboose · 08/02/2020 08:56

Hi @sleepyhorse. Just read the whole thread, and just want to say hang in there and trust your gut.

If you haven't already, look up the threads by @jamaisdors - she is a little further in the process than you, but she is incredible and you will see lots of H behaviour that you will recognise.

sleepyhorse · 08/02/2020 12:40

Thank you!
How do I look up threads from other posters?

OP posts:
SoTiredTonight · 08/02/2020 12:43

There’s a little search symbol, you click on that, enter their username and potentially dates you want to search between.
How are you? Flowers

sleepyhorse · 08/02/2020 13:17

SotiredTonight - I’m ok thanks. The relationship has broken down in the sense that we sleep in separate rooms now, live separate lives but it’s hard because we share the same friends and when there are social situations it can be tricky. Most nights we sit down as a family to eat and we trying to be civil for the sake of our kids. But there is no desire on my side to fix things and I think he feels the same way. It’s just a waiting game now until I can get all the financial house stuff sorted for my mum. We haven’t sat down and discussed splitting up so there is currently no label in our status but I have stopped wearing my wedding ring. It’s a very weird situation! Thanks for asking 🌺

OP posts:
NightsOfCabiria · 08/02/2020 16:17

Have you spoken to Womens Aid yet OP. It’ll be very helpful for you both now and in the long term. They can advise and put you in touch with specialists.

SoTiredTonight · 27/02/2020 22:06

Hello @sleepyhorse, just thought I’d drop you a message as been checking back every so often. Hope all is going as well as could be for you. Flowers

Myhouse2011 · 26/05/2020 23:40

@sleepyhorse hi I was just wondering how you’re getting on? Hopefully H isn’t with you through this lockdown.

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