"But we took you to Stately Homes" January 2020 onwards

[toomuchtooold]

It's January 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Thank you @Herocomplex I have help from my DH and my DD1 they are a Godsend to me . I do worry about being NC with my sister and feel guilty and wonder if it is my fault , l think l am possibly trauma bonded. I have been wondering and wondering about Narcissism. I am struck by the very familiar things they do , the way they treat us , the way they feel so superior and elite. The interrupting, talking over and down to us , the shrill voice, the aggressive way she speaks. The way she tells me to 'SHUSH' in my own house, then she belts out the Irish national anthem a few seconds later still in my own home. The thinking she is the best thing since sliced bread . The horrible faces she pulls like as if l am in the wrong. The way she thinks she is right, the way she controls everything and everybody. The way she talks about everyone behnd their back. She dresses this up by being true to herself and 'at least l am not two faced' but it isn't that it is being horrible . The way she obsesses abut every penny My Mum spends or l spend on her behalf, the controlling over the house , the washing, where she goes, what she does, even what she eats. Every time she goes to Mum's she checks her tablet. She removes FB posts and friends of Mum she doesn't approve of firstly, then she replies to any messages Mum hasn't replied to. Everything is wrong except what she does. The utter lack of empathy for anyone. Never any love shown that is genuine, it always felt overdone and false & forced. All big mwah mwah kisses to my Dds. Holding their hands yet never ever inviting them to her home to see them . Never once telling them that even though her and l had fallen out she would love them just the same , never once consoling or reassurring them, not once, They have been devastated by the fallout and have been faithful and so kind to me bless them. They simply haven't known how to respond to them, they invited them out to a local chain of restaurants to meet very infrequently and when my DDS went there 3 times to see them the atmosphere was terrible from her Dh . They have never been invited there, despite her inviting my Nephew and his boyfriend to ther house several times. Once my Dd 2 popped in with some flowers for Mothers Day, we always gave her fowers and cards for Mothers day, (we considered her their second Mum) and she wasn't there long before my sister said , 'l hope you didn't pay much for these flowers they are vile' that was to my DD2 who had taken a lovely bouquet there for her despite all that was going on. l wonder how on earth other ppl cannot see it as well. Are they blindsided or is she a completely different person to them. I am honestly perplexed by their behaviour it is like a madness really . Thank you all for letting me vent

Mrs sorry your family sound nuts 🤬 sorry they treat you like that

Things had been much better this week after DH’s counselling. He had a bit of time alone after but then asked me for a hug so we spent time chatting while toddler was asleep. But today was pretty bad. He was at least open about the fact he felt awful - it’s actually more about his physical stuff but I do wonder if maybe he was pushing himself to be more present during the week (I was ill too so he didn’t get as much rest either) and now he’s burned out. We are still making time for each other but I am coming down with something, hormonal, sensitive, missing a friend and trying to deal with my own stuff and doing all this is just too hard on my own. 😣

I’ve sent him a message asking if we can talk tomorrow, I really really didn’t want to do that as it’s just going to put more pressure on him 😣 but I somehow need to be open about how difficult I’m finding things too. I’m even tempted to ask if he wants to take some level of contact off the table completely for a bit because it’s the inconsistency/unpredictability that is destroying me most.

Coupled with feeling total lack of support from my mum who phoned the other day (she seems to be one of the few parents on here who isn’t a narc - different issues with us), and feeling judgment for not working now DH can’t, and like a million other little things chipping away at me, I’m feeling pretty shit 😰 Going to be a cry myself to sleep night I think 🙄

Sorry for the rant I know much of it isn’t relevant in a way. I just am so tired of both of us having to deal with past stuff when the present is difficult enough. He was saying how if he doesn’t finally deal with it it will win basically and I know he’s right but to hear him say that out loud is scary.

I think it’s relevant Lane, you need support. Some days are just hellish and have to be endured, things do change, they get better or worse, who can tell? I can’t say it will improve, no one can.

But there’s a very good chance that it will because you are both working really hard towards it, taking your chances and trying.

Keep up the self-care, find new things to enjoy, buy yourself some daffs, find something that makes you laugh, sing. Anything that works.

ARGH

Sorry, I only come here to rant, I should give advice, but most of the time I have my head in the sand about everything.

M is a narcissist with an enabling step father.

I have been grey rocking for a while, with some success, and clearly have had it too good for far too long.

M plays favourites with my three children (favouring the eldest), much like my DB was the golden child and I was the scapegoat.

DH and I had already decided last summer that M was not going to look after them for weekends etc any more, as the favouritism was becoming obvious.

This has been fine as M only ever babysat if specifically asked, and could not think up an excuse. So she's never questioned the fact that she doesn't babysit anymore.

However, my eldest has been having sleep problems, and is now back sharing a room with my middle child.

M commented back in October that my eldest could come stay with her for a few days and "she would fix it".....

I said I didn't think that was a good idea... and she's now become fixated on getting DD to stay with her... because how DARE I say no to something she has suggested.

I sent a very carefully crafted text message and had a quite sensible conversation about why she wasn't going to theirs, and thought it was sorted.

But she is still pushing to have her to stay for several days! Absolutely not is the answer. She's not interested in the other two, and I'm not having her play favourites.

Sigh, this is going to escalate into another round of abusive messages and flying monkeys isn't it?

She's been looking for something to explode over for several months now, and now she's bloody found it.

ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH. Is moving continents too drastic? I'm not convinced that Australia is far enough away though - perhaps some remote island without an airport?

Rant over - just fed up with having to bloody deal with it - and gutted that grey rock is no longer working.

It's infuriating when they just think they can pull rank on you isn't it 🙄
Just sort of ignore you like that and override what you say 🙄
I think it calls for a BLOCKING SPREE 😈

Be wary, Is there any way your DM can contact your daughter directly? I have experienced this, the child in question had all kinds of persuasive messages, but mixed in with some criticisms of a parent.

It’s divide and rule, and you’re absolutely right to stamp all over it. It’s amazing what gets used against you, what gets exploited. Carry on being cautious!

Ugh that’s super frustrating sunnie :( my first thought was “can M contact DD directly” too, hopefully she can’t? Does DD have an opinion on her grandmother or the thought of staying?

I always feel a bit icky about relatives demanding that kids stay over, although I know the icky feeling comes from my own experiences. But demanding isn’t ok. Favouritism hurts all the siblings - it’s so, so good that you are recognising it!

Hero thank you. Did talk a little to DH again, the counsellor has asked him if there’s anything particular he’d like to work on (as there are only ten sessions funded, and she’s aware there is far too much to cover). He’d got a bit rabbit in headlights about the question so I suggested maybe discussing this issue. It seems a bit weird using therapy to deal with the issues triggered by therapy but actually that’s what I ended up doing with a few of my early sessions and it was the best thing I could have done.

I did make it very clear BTW that it’s not up to me what he uses the sessions for but he actually likes the idea, he doesn’t want to be so fearful and distant etc.

We are really needing to spend some time as a family now, DD is having a rough time at school too and it’s brought a whole new bunch of issues out of the woodwork and aaaaaargh.

sunnie

Having no contact whatsoever with either your mother or her enabler is an action worth taking now. Grey rock is itself not sustainable long term and I am sadly not all that surprised it has not worked.

You are likely to be one of the very few, if not the only, person who at all bothers with them and that is because you've had special training to do so. You are very much an adult child of a narcissist with all the baggage that brings with it. Do read the websites entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Out of the FOG.
These people were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not at all changed. Keep these two well away from all your children going forward.

sunnie

Block them entirely from being able to contact your own self and in particular your children.

It’s not weird at all Lane, therapy sessions are a model for how you behave in your life, so that’s a brilliant insight! I think that’s really excellent use of the time, fingers crossed it has a great outcome for you all.

Sorry to hear about DD, you sound like a really tuned-in person though, which must be helpful to her.

Here’s to a good week.

Sorry I dropped out for a few months and haven’t read back very far, I will participate more in the future, if that’s OK! I’m just having a super hard time at the moment, particularly with all the Mother’s Day cards. I’m currently out of contact with my mother, father and sister. With the first two it’s been for about seven months now and I haven’t missed them once. My mother has written to me at my work email, and at my work address encouraging me to stay with her if I go to an alumni event (which I am now avoiding). I’m recovering from a variety of mental health problems which I’m pretty sure were caused by the amount of control and emotional abuse and massive, occasionally violent rows that were the norm when I was growing up. I’ve had to live at home sporadically since leaving home and each time I’ve got much, much worse with those mental health problems. Every time I get a communication from her it’s really upsetting, which I do feel quite guilty about. Family and mutual friends frequently talk about us making up, which would be me saying sorry then we pretend nothing happened. I often get treated as if I am her, when I am completely different, I’m not angry, I’m not using silence to punish but I also don’t want to be in touch with her. I’m trying to work up the courage to put it in writing that she can have her half share in the horse we jointly own back (as she requested but has now forgotten about) but I don’t want to contact her at all, particularly because she might reply. The Mothering Sunday stuff and urging from my grandparents (I’ve always been very family-oriented, I’m the oldest grandchild and briefly lived with my grandparents, which was lovely, so this is particularly hard) make me feel guilty but it’s my dad who is causing me most guilt, my other grandmother has told me I should keep in touch with him because he loves me and cares about me. I think he’s currently living separately from my mum and I lived with him for a while because he was lonely and is having work stress etc but it was horrible. He invalidated me all the time, told me I wanted to be on good terms with my mum, told my mum things I was doing and had said to him, refused to accept my boundaries or preferences, he once dragged me out of bed, and then when I moved back to London I called him while he was with my mother (I didn’t realise) and he came to my house despite me asking him please not to, came into my room and refused to leave for a really long time, then I asked him not to contact me for a bit and he continued messaging me every day and asked if he could come and see me sing.
Sorry for this massive, selfish rant but I just feel heartbroken by it all, and as if I’m doing the wrong thing and being a terrible person. I’m worried I’m going to fall out with my grandparents too. And I sit there in my admittedly tiny room filled with things they’ve bought me and think about how often I’ve been called ungrateful and selfish and I think it must be true.

Hi CeciledeVolanges

You are NOT ungrateful or selfish; the other people who you happen to be related to are all that and more besides too.

Your post is in NO way a massive and or selfish rant at all. Its a cry for help really. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours seems to be very much one of scapegoat.

Ignore all such attempts from your mother to restart contact, its all designed to hoover you back into their dysfunctional world. DO NOT RESPOND at all to any and all communications, what she wants from you is a response. You must absolutely maintain radio silence here.
Please now block her from being able to access your work email and any other email addresses of yours.

All family members and mutual friends who talk about the two of you making up are really acting as the flying monkeys. They are often sent in by the toxic parent to do their own dirty work for them. Such easily manipulated people are only acting in their own self interest and not in yours so their opinion should be ignored too.

Do not do anything for Mothers day for her (your mother is not worthy of being called mother anyway because she is and remains abusive) and forge your own path through life without any of these people in it. Your father is a weak willed man who continues to act as her enabler; he has abjectly failed you as a parent too. He has also overstepped the mark here too and trashed your boundaries you set him. Do not see any of these people any longer, do not give them any more of your time or headspace.

Do read the website entitled Out of the FOG; it has helpful pointers.

Cecilia when I read your post I have an impression that your parents are a pair of ogres who want to consume you, all this invalidating it's as if they don't see you as a real person, just a thing that exists to fulfill their needs.
The harassment and the stalking of you when you've made it clear you don't want any contact... I find it disturbing, as if a person is trying to stake their claim on you, establish their ownership of you and your opinions don't matter at all, I think I can relate to how uncomfortable it feels.
I think the only solution is just block and maintain no contact

@LaneBoy - I'm glad your DH appears to be getting more open about feeling awful, I think that's probably an important step to healing.

You do need to be honest with him, losing communication is never a good thing, and you are allowed to be struggling as well as him.

I know it's almost impossible to not be impacted by your mother's comments, but you are doing the best you can in the circumstances. You need to know that, and you need to believe it.

@Mrsmadevans - Is your mum living with you? And you have to put up with your sister visiting? If so no wonder you are going crazy! It's hard enough to go NC when you don't have to see them.

Your poor DD's, they are stuck with her narc tendencies as well! Is there anyway you sister can see your mum elsewhere, or is she totally housebound? If she's housebound, have you considered respite care, you could get a well deserved break from the heavy responsibility of caring, and your sister can see your mother out of your house.

@CeciledeVolanges - I agree with the advice you have been given - do not reinstate ANY contact at all. They sound unhinged and certainly not good for your mental health!

Your grandparents may mean well but they are flying monkeys too. You need to try to side step any discussion about relationships with your parents, as it is not helpful.

Thank you for everyone's very helpful advice. I am sure it gets frustrating to continually advise the same person the same thing over and over again! ;-)

I know I need to go NC, I can see it coming now in a way I couldn't before. I'm just dreading the inevitable flying monkeys and abuse from all sides.

Thankfully my children are too young for direct contact, although I am aware that this is something that is likely to be problematic in the future.

I have decided to further scale back the grey rock and go to speaking to her once a week. This is what we do with my (lovely) in-laws, we just skype once per week.

She's meant to be coming here shortly for my middle child's birthday, so I'm going to go to the gym, so she can only come here for school pick up, and invite a few people round after school for cake and a play, so that I'm not alone and can't be hassled about sleepovers.

If sleepovers come up again, I'm going to just say "no" and if it escalates into an argument then so be it.

I can see now (thanks psychotherapy) that her contact with my children is going to be damaging long term, and that I will not accept my kids being treated in the way that I am.

My DB can get away with very little contact, without any repercussions, so I'm going to adopt the same format. Slowly reduce contact.

Fingers crossed for a move to another country soon, so that natural contact is harder to achieve. Right now we aren't too far away from each other, and if she suspects I'm cutting her out, she'll be forever turning up here.

DD would LOVE to go stay with M, she'd get spoiled rotten and come home with all sorts. Then I have to deal with two other children who won't get as much or won't get treated exactly the same and get upset.

Here's to a better week all round, for all of us xx

am sure it gets frustrating to continually advise the same person the same thing over and over again! ;-)

No, I don’t think so, there’s a whole world out there trying to convince us to forgive and forget (ie return to your abuser and soak up the pain), and that it’s unnatural not to love your parents. Thank god everyone here knows different, it’s a place of affirmation and sanity. And there’s so many of us, that’s the shocking thing.

sunnie it sounds really presumptuous of your DM to assert that she will be able to fix your eldest DD’s sleeping problems by having her to stay, more than you can - it sounds like she’s just asserting herself as the superior parent when in fact the situation you find yourself in now shows that it’s the opposite! You’re doing the right thing.

Thank you, everyone who replied to me. I had a bit of an epiphany, yesterday, about something that happened a few years ago, but I’m at work so can’t write it out now! I will later but I just keep having these realisations about every aspect of my life and feeling sadder and angrier. It’s like my parents don’t see me as a separate person, let alone love me as one, just an extension and reflection of my mother to be used.

It still does take a lot of reassurance and repetition that this is OK, and the right thing to do, and doesn’t make me a terrible person. The majority of people in my life don’t see it that way at all, so this really helps.

Hi sunnie

re your comment:-

"I know I need to go NC, I can see it coming now in a way I couldn't before. I'm just dreading the inevitable flying monkeys and abuse from all sides."

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Your children will also thank you in the long run for doing so. The flying monkeys are only acting in their own interests rather than yours. They are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored by you as well.

I agree with ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. The first time I spoke up for myself it was like an out of body experience. I was clear about what I wanted, I’d read up on all the tactics that were being used against me (the FOG) so when it happened I felt strangely fine. Maybe for the first time in our relationship I felt like myself.

Try it. It’s not easy. But it gets easier. No need for accusations or anger, just state your case - I don’t like this and I won’t continue being treated this way.

Good luck!

(I’m not new, I’ve NC’d)

www.alice-miller.com/en/preface-to-from-rage-to-courage/
I want to share this because it really resonates with me today:

Unquestioning adulation of parents and ancestors, regardless of what they have done, is required not only by some religions but by ALL of them, without exception, although the adult children frequently have to pay for this self-denial with severe illness symptoms. The reason why this is the case is not difficult to identify, though it is rarely taken into account. Children are forced to ignore their need for respect and are not allowed to express it, so they later look to their own children to gratify that need. This is the origin of the Fourth/Fifth Commandment (“honor your father and mother”).

This intrinsic dynamic is observable in all religions. Religions were obviously created not by people respected in childhood but by adults starved of respect from childhood on and brought up to obey their parents unswervingly. They have learned to live with the compulsive self-deception forced on them in their earlier years. Many impressive rituals have been devised to make children ignore their true feelings and accept the cruelties of their parents without demur. They are forced to suppress their anger, their TRUE feelings and honor parents who do not deserve such reverential treatment, otherwise they will be doomed to intolerable feelings of guilt all their lives. Luckily, there are now individuals who are beginning to desist from such self-mutilation and to resist the attempt to instill guilt feelings into them. These people are standing up against a practice that its proponents have always considered ethical. In fact, however, it is profoundly unethical because it produces illness and hinders healing. It flies in the face of the laws of life.

Sunnie thank you so much for your support on don't know what you can do to deal with your parents esp your Mum but I think a gradual tailing off would work esp with a move to a different country ❤️.
I don't live with my Mum thankfully but the torment is from my Mother and my brother telling me about her. It's awful and lf l react angrily then l am the mental case . My Dd's and l have decided to go NC with my narc sister and her husband in the full knowledge that my sister had named them in their wills as their benefactors but now this has changed of course. I will say this . No amount of money can make up for the years of abuse we have suffered at their hands. Once Mum has gone l will be free . Don't get me wrong l love my Mum &bsister with all my heart but l know what they are and l can't put up with that abuse anymore. My brother has hinted that 'Jack will be a very rich boy' and l replied 'they will have to spend all their money on care because no one will want to look after them ' .. My brother has fallen under my sister's power now and not phoned me for weeks and whilst upsetting for me because we were close when we were young he is a stranger to me now . Boastful and horrible, drunken and aggressive. It's the story of my family Life.

Jack being my Db's son 🙄
He's a nice boy we love him but he doesn't get treated like we do because there is a definite male bias in my family, from my Mum to my sister and the males in the family being bought up to expect preferential treatment 🙄

Using threats about wills and inheritance is a terrible aspect of this behaviour, you really have to adopt the ‘what I’ve never had I’ll never miss’ attitude. Manipulating people like that is so insulting.

It’s really sad to think you’re better off without someone in your life isn’t it? No matter what anyone says it’s a terrible situation to be in. You can only try to rise above it.

Eugh @mrsmadevans that's horrible.definitely give your brother a wide berth too!

Well I think the argument has finally erupted. M realised that my kids can message me through their iPads and asked for them to message her. I said no, and abuse started.

She's also not coming for my middle child's birthday as she has a cough... convenient. Poor thing always comes last in the list.

Still may mean I can go NC without much argument.

Morning everyone 🤗
Had a bad day yesterday, According to my narc sister l have poisoned my Dd's against them 🥺🙄
I really haven't . They have been dropped by her and her DH. No reassurance that they love them still no matter what happens between her and l. In fact just after we rowed Dec 27th 2018 , she took my Dd's pictures off her FB profile and that cut me like a knife. It was only there weeks LTR when prompted by my Mother she said it was by mistake and put them back on. She is a liar . I screenshot her actions. When she changed the profile pic she changed it 4x before she was happy with the pictures of herself and her Husband. Yet my Mother when shown this proof chooses to believe my sister. Sister has spoken badly about my Dds too. I just cannot win. My DH says he needs counseling because he has been traumatized by them our whole married life 😭
Fanthorpe you are right re wills and inheritance. They are so disliked apart from their posh friends that they treat so nicely 🙄 and haven't got a clue what they are like . I could write a book, l suspect we all could 🙄🤗
Sunnie l thank you for your support and kindness. I only hope things work out. I will be honest with you and say that NC is very hard. It really hurts so much and l miss and love my sister but carry on in the vain hope it gets better. Take care everyone 💐🤗

I’m so sorry @Mrsmadevans

Just bear in mind that what narcs say is their version, but it’s not yours. They will say things just to make out they’re the victim, but you know that’s not true. You know in your heart what’s happened, you just have to hold on to that.

And why would you want your DC’s anywhere near those extraordinarily damaging people. Don’t respond. Don’t even listen if you block it out.