"But we took you to Stately Homes" January 2020 onwards

[toomuchtooold]

It's January 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

I hope you don’t mind me posting here. This might be long. A thread I posted a while ago directed me here but I’ve taken my time thinking about what to say. I’m just going to ramble it all out.
My DF had an awful childhood. Abusive in the extreme. This all came out when I was a young child. We stopped seeing GPs very suddenly. Awful time but I didn’t understand at the time. Not really the point.
Intermittently throughout my childhood DF had rages, usually aimed at me (eldest). He was never ever physical but the verbal abuse was horrific. I made mistakes as kids do but I was not just told off, I was verbally abused in a way I would struggle to explain. I was sworn at, belittled, called everything under the son. Every single time the next day he would apologise and then I’d exist on eggshells until the next time.
As an adult now (45) everyone is still on eggshells. He went through a period of years where he was such a lot better but now it’s all back again. He’s exploded in the last year at my DB and my DM (not at me - yet).
I’ve spent all of my adult life pandering to this man, trying to make sure he’s happy so I don’t get the explosion at me. I listen to him criticising and badmouthing the rest of the family and I now can’t be alone with him. I’m like a captive audience for his poison. He slags us off to his friends and his DB then tells us what they say about us. It’s totally toxic. He has zero empathy about how his words and actions affect others. I don’t stand up to him because it sets off a rage or a plausible denial and a complete misinterpretation of the past that’s impossible to argue with.
Just in the last week my anger is starting to drip over to my DM. She’s in the process of leaving him after 40+ years. She’s doing this because by DB has DC and he and his wife are (rightly) protecting their DC from this. My FM and her DGC are so so close. She’d die rather than lose them. I get that. I love the kids just as much. BUT I’m mulling things over and I keep coming back to DFs rages to me as a child. She never stepped in, she never consoled me, she never helped me. When he did it to her I remember trying to help. I remember her sitting in her bed in her underwear crying as he was swearing and being aggressive and me going in to sit with her. I just keep coming back to her not helping or comforting me. I was her child.
At the moment I’m struggling with what to do. I’m trying to maintain their separation as calm, she confides in me, he makes snide nasty comments all the time. I try not to get involved but inside I’m becoming more and more furious. DF is telling everyone how hard done to he is because she’s leaving him and I want to scream at him about his behaviour. She confides about how bad things are and I want to scream at her about where she was for me!!?
I do love them both very much but Im struggling right now. I don’t know why it’s taken until me bring in my 40s to recognise all this for what it was but I feel rage and unable to speak out. I guess writing it down and discussing it might help

Hi Aminuts😊
I do love them very much
You are calling it love I would call it something else perhaps trauma bonding, whatever it is it's very bad for you to feel bonded to these toxic abusive people.
My advice is accept that the only way to deal with this is to cut automatically reduce contact find someway of shutting them down, that might seem shocking and impossible now but you can work your way towards it.
Would you consider going to therapy to help work through some of your feelings?
Perhaps start keeping a log of the contact that you have with them, look at the patterns look at how you respond, try to grey rock etc.
We get you, we know what it's like

*Automatically= or dramatically

@Aminuts23 - it took me until my forties to see my DM's behaviour for what it actually is. And then it took a couple of years more for me to see my DF for the enabler that he is. He was mostly out at work so did not see the full extent of DM's behaviour when I was a child but when he did he never protected me. And he knew perfectly well what she was capable of since she was appalling to him, too.

I adopt the grey rock approach as I am not prepared to go NC. Ulterego has already highlighted your comment that you love them very much. Don't let that stop you protecting yourself and putting your needs first. I would have said the same as you a few years ago, but I think that was heavily based on the fact that we are supposed to love our parents. To say that one does not is to cross a terrible societal line, just as a horrible line is crossed when realising that the parent does not actually love us - at least not in a way a normal parent would, and certainly nowhere near as much as they love themself. Remember, too, that it is possible to love the idea of what a parent should be and somehow conflate that into believing that they are like that really and we are somehow at fault if they behave badly towards us.

In practical terms you cannot be expected to deal with the fallout of their collapsing marriage, or give advice, or take sides. There is nothing wrong in you making it clear to both of them that you simply don't want to hear either of them bad-mouth the other.

Hugs. It's a grim struggle - especially at this stage of just beginning to work through it all. Some therapy really might benefit you.

heavily based on the fact that we are supposed to love our parents
I agree and I feel there is also a strong and deeply held/primal sense of loyalty and there is a respect for the 'office' of parent, these things all become fused together in the psyche and when one is triggered they all show up together.
(or something like that!)

Aminuts welcome.

Aswell as ‘fight or flight’ we have ‘freeze’. Stay still and hope that the danger passes, daddy doesn’t mean it, the storm passes.
I think you’ve been frozen up until recently. You’re now wondering which is more dangerous? Move? Stay still? But that anger you’re feeling rumbling up is maybe suggesting a new way.

My recommendation would be to start thinking about what you want, what are your needs? How are these people (ANY of them) supporting/loving/helping you?

The childhood you describe is incredibly abusive. Your fathers past is disturbing, he’s obviously damaged. But he’s chosen to revisit that trauma on you. People can break that pattern, but he’s chosen not to.

Think about yourself now. Look at the Out of The Fog website, it’s really useful in focusing simply on what is happening and how you can find a way forward.

Don’t live in fear.

Hi. I've NC for this post. I've been reading for a while.
It's coming up for 2 years since I started coming out of the fog and went NC with my entire FOO. It's been the most painful thing I have ever done and still I think of my family every day. My mother I believe to suffer from NPD, my father her enabler and cluster B himself. My sister is the narcissistic golden child and I am the scapegoat.
I am getting on with life. Have a good career, lovely home, husband and 2 children of my own. However I just cannot seem to get my husband to understand the abuse I have suffered.
I have had various forms of therapy including EMDR, NLP and talk therapy. All with therapists experienced with narcissistic family systems. All of whom have told me I am suffering with CPTSD. But as I have not officially been diagnosed with this by a GP ( can you even get a diagnosis for this?? ), husband is almost accusing me of self diagnosing a made up condition. He also tries to minimise my mothers hoovering and flying monkey attacks, which leaves me feeling very lonely and worse about these events. For example, when my mother sent me a pack of photos from my childhood, husband got angry with me when I cried and was trying to explain how this is my mother trying to manipulate me into contact. He said she was just trying to be nice and that she couldn't win! It's driving me mad. I spend a lot of my time isolating myself away as I can't get him to understand the behaviours nor support me when I'm feeling triggered.
I feel he himself comes from a similar family dynamic but is stuck in the FOG and will never have a bad word said about any of his family. My heckles go up whenever I have to be around any of them.
I feel trapped as I once read somewhere you can never fully heal in the same environment that made you sick. I don't feel safe with my husband but don't know whether that's because he's abusive himself ( the jury is still out on that one as I have such a rubbish sense of judgement ) or just clueless to narcissistic behaviours.
Sometimes I wish I could just leave so I could be by myself with my kids so no one can ever hurt me again! But then I think of how sad and pathetic I will feel every other Christmas when my children are with him and I have no one. I get tired of trying to explain to people that I have no contact with my family, yet am desperately lonely and miss them terribly.
I'm scared I will always be drawn to narcissistic types and won't ever find a safe partner to support me.
Sorry if this isn't the right place to post this. I know it's for family of origin problems. I guess I just want someone to understand that the abuse we suffered isn't always visible to the untrained eye. I was never beaten or touched. But I was bullied by exclusion, humiliation, shaming, emotional neglect, my feelings were minimised or ignored, I was lied about, teased, baited and provoked, used, taken advantage of, turned away when I asked for help.
This treatment has cut so deep I cannot seem to get better. I am trying and trying but I cannot shake the self hatred I feel. I recently met up with 2 dear friends who both spoiled me and said lovely things to me on my birthday and my first thought was I don't deserve them. I kept thinking of ways to repay them for their kindness. I cannot just accept that it's ok to accept kindness and not have to give something material back in return. These friends aren't being kind to get something from me, they are doing it because they love me. But my head is wired to think it's conditional. It's such a head fuck!
I guess I'm hoping to hear from someone a little further down the road than I am that can say it does get better. I was hoping by now my life would be happy and liberating being away from the abuse, but I still just feel desperately sad.

Hi pippy yes this is the place for you.

First can I say how pleased I was to read that you’ve got those lovely friends. You so deserve them.

Well done for drawing a line under the abuse from your parents and sibling. That pain continues, we all understand that, but it’s a different kind of sadness and loss.

Your DH however is not in your corner. It’s problematic because if he can’t face his own issues then he’s really going to keep dragging you down. I think I’d feel a bit deranged by it all if I was you.

You say what you would like to do. I think you know what you should do. If it’s Christmas every two years that’s stopping you have you thought that you’re suffering now, and that maybe that one day out of 730 might not seem so bad?

Your husband is effectively gaslighting you, it’s completely wrong. You can see it, you understand it, but it’s still wrong.

I think you’re amazing, it’s very hard to be in your position.

Hi Pippy:)
But I was bullied by exclusion, humiliation, shaming, emotional neglect, my feelings were minimised or ignored, I was lied about, teased, baited and provoked, used, taken advantage of, turned away when I asked for help
It's a death by 1000 cuts type of attack, the more sophisticated/covert predators are prone to this imo, it leaves them with plausible deniability.
Wrt your husband, if you dont feel safe with him I'm inclined to think you should listen to those impulses, he tries to shut you down and crush you rather than spending the mental effort required to see things from your point of view.
I have made appalling choices when it came to relationships, I hear you on that, I'm ok though, still standing etc.
When you say you miss your family, isnt it more that you miss the loving and supportive people that a family ought to be?
I'm sorry you feel so trapped Pippy, maybe in the short term give up trying to get your husband to see these things, he's too deep in FOG and bashing your head against a brick wall isnt good for you, you can talk to us instead:)

Hi Pippy.

Welcome. I am relatively new to this site, so haven't the courage to post very often. But I have to respond to you, because our stories are so very, very similar. Family set-up, CPTSD, no-contact for about eight years, all sorts of therapies.

What struck me so much was your situation with your husband. Mine was virtually identical to what you describe. He came from a very emotionally neglectful family, whereas mine was more obviously unhealthy, with a lot of physical abuse, as well. He, however, was in denial that he too had been deeply affected by his family. He was very depressed and blamed everything on my mental state. He said I was very damaged and I agreed. I did all I could to recover, made some progress, but was still stuck. Like you say, it's hard to heal in the same environment that caused the damage.

So my DH decided to divorce me, due to my mental health. It was incredibly hard and I did not cope well initially, but after about three months I started to do much better. We were still in the same house and he decided to start talking to me again, and it was OK. I felt really strong, amazingly. Literally days later, my poor, poor husband received a terminal diagnosis. He had clearly been very unwell, but blamed it all on me. He died six months later, and I did everything I could for him. It was horrendous for us all.

I still love him dearly, and miss all of the lovely things about him, and there were many of them. But I am in such a better place now. I actually cannot believe how I have come through an almost divorce and a bereavement and am in a better place than I ever have been. I accept myself now and I grieve for my poor husband. He died so young, but I am not sure that he would have ever faced up to his own issues. What I am sure about, is that his issues and his view of my problems must have been constantly triggering me. I don't blame him at all, it's just how it was.

I don't know if any of this helps you, Pippy, but I wanted to share, just in case. Mentally, I am in such a better place, despite the grief.

With regards to children, mine our adults, but one of them has gone no contact with me since my DH died. The child who is most like my husband. I have been able to accept this, despite feeling very sad about it. I miss seeing him, but realise that he makes me feel just how my parents and my husband made me feel. Just not good enough. I have accepted that it's no one's fault, it just is. I hope we will work it out in time.

I hope everyone here doesn't mind me sharing. I felt ready to do it, and despite the tragic circumstances, mine is a story of hope!!

CPTSD. But as I have not officially been diagnosed with this by a GP ( can you even get a diagnosis for this

You can but it variously depends on the psychiatrist. Even though CPTSD is extremely specific regarding abuse over an extended period (including repeatedly) many still dx the condition as "generic" PTSD. Clearly, and as someone dx'd with both, this is incorrect. To gain my CPTSD dx it took therapy and my printing documented literature.

Oh, and tell your husband to fuck off. Self-diagnosis? Trust me, I (and likely many others on these threads and had done some research) knew we had mental health disorders and which ones before a professional confirmed it.

Dippydog, thank you for sharing I find your story very interesting, relating it to my own experience I can see that my childhood led me to being a person who who ended up in extremely dysfunctional relationships and those dysfunctional relationships.... well they led to bad things, a lot of stress and heartache and unhappiness for everyone concerned. Just a big old clusterfuck☹️
When I try to imagine how different life could have been if I could have have been in relationships with healthy functioning people, I can't imagine it, it seems impossible!
I'm very aware that my own children could end up estranging from me and if they do I hope I will be able to accept it like you did Dippy.

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to get some advice on how best to support my DH who has been emotionally abused by his father.

I won’t go into details as it would be outing but from what I’ve looked into, it’s seems textbook emotional/psychological abuse from when DH was very young and I have witnessed it as an adult. It seems from the things I’ve read that his father has many narcissistic traits.

My DH has kind of accepted that his father isn’t just a ‘bad dad’ but was abusive (his counsellor has discussed similar, he attended counselling for addiction/depression/anxiety issues) as yet it’s very much a superficial acceptance and he’s not joined all the dots to see the far reaching effects of the abuse, if that makes sense. Eg. He thinks that the abuse and the ‘fact’ (in his mind) that he’s not good enough, are separate problems.

He always feels that he’s ‘not good enough’ or that he’s let people down - most often me or our son.

He is in recovery from his addictions (18 months) and he’s on antidepressants for his depression and anxiety, he is managing and generally doing really well although I feel the effects of his abuse are always bubbling just under the surface. As an example, if we ever argue (minor, silly things like stacking the dishwasher!) his thoughts go straight to “I’m just not good enough, I’m just a let down. I’ve let you (me) down again” - we had these exact words this morning. Very minor disagreements (don’t happen often we’re best friends) can escalate as he gets disproportionately defensive, then panicky and then into tears with “I’ve let you down again, this wouldn’t happen if I was better”.

I’m insisting that we go NC with DH’s father as I feel that the risk to us is too great if contact were to cause DH to relapse (I’ve noticed a definite change in him whenever he has contact). And tbh the thought of that horrid man anywhere near my baby makes my blood run cold - but that’s all another thread altogether!

What can I do to help him?
I’ve started telling him that he’s always enough and he’s never ‘a let down’ which I think he appreciates but I can tell he thinks I’m just saying it. Could saying that risk making him feel worse if he doesn’t believe it. Might it seem hollow as though I’m humouring him?

He thinks he doesn’t deserve anything good and it breaks my heart. I’d love to know how to support him best if anyone has any advice.

Thank you so much.

MrsDuggee hi, welcome.

It sounds like you are already doing a huge amount to support your husband, you’ve got insight into what is going on and you’re being extremely empathetic. It also sounds like you understand when to step back a bit from an emotional response. Do you get your own emotional needs met? Do you get support when you need it?

I would agree that you need to draw a line under a relationship with your husbands father, you can choose not to engage with him, or allow your children to, keep them safe. His choice about continuing to see his father is more nuanced, he has to decide for himself, or you run the risk of possibly being blamed for causing the rupture in the relationship. Would he read any of the info in the opening post of the thread? There are many people like him, it’s a sadly common story.

I would lead by example, you make your choice about your boundary, and offer him a hand up over the wall if you can. Remember you cannot change other people, but you can change how you react.

Can I say how incredibly lucky he is to have you in his life? You sound lovely. 💐

Herocomplex- thank you for your words of encouragement, that helped.
Although I give the example of being alone every other Christmas, it's more than that. I am scared ( petfrified!! ) of taking on life with my little children with no safety net in place. If I were to leave my husband I worry about not having anyone being there to support me if I get into financial difficulty, if I become sick and need someone to step in and help with the children. It's like I'm being forced to walk the tight rope with no harness on! Other people would have the emotional/financial support of their FOO if they wanted to leave a potentially damaging situation. It's a scary place to be when I cannot trust my gut.
Ulterego - I certainly don't miss my mum or sister, they are awful human beings. Bullies. But I do miss my dad, as guilty as he is. He was the lesser of two evils. I also miss feeling "normal" and not a social pariah that has estranged herself from her family with no explanation. Although the abuse was horrific, at least I didn't know any different and it was easier to blame myself for all of my issues as that's my default setting. Actually saying to myself it's not my fault is incredibly hard and not easy to believe.
DIppyDog- I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and what you have been through. A glimmer of hope for me that even though you have suffered such trauma you are still going and life is better for you. How heartbreaking to hear that one of your children has estranged them self from you. It's a big fear of mine, I'm hoping I have removed them from my dysfunctional family early enough for them to not pick up on their scapegoating treatment of me. I hope they come back to you one day x

Of course Pippy I understand. I think it’s really hard to face a future alone, I would concentrate on finding some things in life that make you feel good about yourself. Definitely keep reading and learning about how narcissists work, it makes you feel much more in control of things when you can see what’s going on, you can separate from it a bit. Good luck, keep posting when you need to vent.

When I try to imagine how different life could have been if I could have have been in relationships with healthy functioning people, I can't imagine it, it seems impossible! @Ulterego I know exactly what you mean. That said, my own husband comes from a very dysfunctional background and our relationship is certainly not textbook ideal in many ways, but somehow we function OK. Much better since I realised and accepted my family background for what it is and started protecting myself within the marriage as well as going grey rock with the real problem. However, I simply cannot imagine what it must be like to have a normal parent/child relationship. I know several mothers and daughters who are really close and I find it so hard to identify with that I almost think I wouldn't like to be in such a relationship.

@MrsDuggee - I, too, think you sound lovely. The only suggestion I have (and you may do this already) is to make a policy of praising him for specific good things he does, or if he copes well in a situation you know is stressful for him. General "you are doing so well" is great but specifics may work better because he himself can see the good thing he has done and cannot assume you are just uttering platitudes.

Hullo! I've name changed having realised thatI need to hang out here a bit more. I've popped my head round the door before, but things are ramping up a bit. I need to read back a few pages- sorry for just leaping in without seeing what is going on. Don't want to lose the thread or my courage!

MrsDuggy, I echo what the PPs have said. Also try and pinpoint times you've appreciated his support or perspective. Don't run yourself down, but point out how you feel stronger because he's with you, or that his point of view has challenged you and you'll enjoy thinking about it. It's really easy to fall into the trap of being 'the one who gets it right/copes' when actually there's probably much more going on than that.

it was easier to blame myself for all of my issues as that's my default setting
Pippy, I'm seeing it as significant and postive that you use the phrase 'default setting' these days we see settings as things that we can change for ourselves and often we see default settings as things that we ought to change...in order for that device to work for our benefit rather than just being a spy that sends info back to the mothership.
(To be clear I'm not trying to minimise the difficulty of changing our default/'knee jerk' settings)

picklemewalnuts Hullo:)

Hullo! Default settings is a really useful idea. I had a therapist who talked about us 'running programmes' and that we needed to consider whether they were still useful programmes.

Hey. Im new to this thread.
I was wondering if anyone of you have contact with your abusive parents.
I have always felt relief at having no contact but recently going through a hard time and had thoughts of contacting my mother. Sometimes I think she wasnt so bad. She didnt hit me. Just smacked but it would he over and over again slapping as hard as she could and chasing me slapping me.
She was i believe verbally abusive. But sometimes I doubt myself. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Never praised me. Constantly put me down. Brother was golden child who could do no wrong. He got in so much trouble at school and was awful to me beating me up all the time etc but it was always my fault.
I tried my best to please her I was top of my class but I remember showing her reports and test scores trying to please her. But she just looked at it then threw the paper down and said she used to hate people like me at school. Called me a swot and goody two shoes. Every time she spoke to her friends she would big up my brother saying he had so much imagination etc. Her friends would comment on how well I was doing and she would come back with yes but she has no common sense no imagination etc she is clumsy and careless. Etc on and on.
She would say things like oh your brother inherited my lovely lips but you didnt you have horrible thing lips.
She would call me ugly and make comments about me not wanting to get fat. Restrict my food. Make me go for runs and when j came back she would say I hadn't done it and make me go again. I ended up anorexic. But when school contacted her about it she kicked off at me saying I was a stupid little girl who was selfish and only thought of herself.
I was constantly confused and worried about her kicking off at me.
One time I had a friend around (very rare) I asked for a glass of water and she told me to set it in a particular spot which I did. My brother knocked it over but it was my fault she screamed and screamed I cant remember what she said but I ended up slapped and had to go to my room and my friend had to walk home alone.
I know my dad was abusive but I'm always a bit confused about my mum.
My dad would have me against the wall by the throat. Throw me on the ground. Grab handfuls of my hair and spit in my face. Hit me with shoes etc. Punch walls and doors and pinch me so hard.

I'm sorry for the long post I guess I'm very confused about alot of stuff. And what would count as abuse and what is me overreacting.

Welcome 💐

Yes, that’s all abuse. You didn’t deserve it, you were a child with no defence or power. Children need nurturing and protecting, and deserve support to launch themselves healthily into adulthood. It sounds like you’ve removed them physically from your life but nothing has made you feel safe mentally.

I’d recommend you read some of the info in the opening post if this thread, it helps to understand what happened and maybe why. It helps you to understand that the blame does not lie with you, and look at ways you might move forward.

I read on your other thread that you’re a lone parent, it can be hard to see your kids growing up as it reminds you so much of your own childhood, and what you missed out on.

If you’re thinking there’s a chance your mother might apologise for what happened I think it’s very unlikely, much more chance that she’ll minimise it, or say how hard her life was at the time and it wasn’t her fault.

As your kids get older you will find more time for yourself. Give yourself as much attention as you can, be kind, you deserve love and respect, most of all from yourself.

I will check the front page thank you.
I absolutely love watching my kids grow up and often find that I love doing activitys and experiencing things with them and I enjoy seeing them enjoy it but also myself experiencing it for the first time too.
I sometimes feel very sad seeing other mums having support and doing out for coffee or shopping with their mums etc just having someone there to even just call.

While I'm here there have been other things which I think are maybe inappropriate but never spoken about. It's very embarrassing and may be nothing so I apologise in advance.
My dad used to often show me his erect penis. Make it go up and down etc I just felt really embarrassed and uncomfortable but didnt know what to say. He also used to talk about him and my mother having sex in detail. Used to ask my mother to and I quote "shave her pussy so he can see what hes eating"
I think i must have been around 10 when all this was being said.
Also used to walk round naked feeling each other up.
My uncle used to babysit me sometimes and put on videos of football games highlights of men and women streaking. A video just of streakers and kept pausing and pointing out their private parts he also used to speak alot oboht sex and ask me uncomfortable questions like "oh a lesbian couple were in the room next to me there was a buzzing sound and lots of moaning. What do you think the buzzing sound was. I bet you dont know. Kept going on asking me awkward questions just felt very embarrassed about it all.
Always asking me if I have a boyfriend and who I like have I kissed anyone etc. All this was around age 10.
I dont know if this would just be seen as inappropriate. All I know is if anyone ever said or did any of those things to my child I would be getting my kids far far away from them...but maybe I'm sensitive?