"But we took you to Stately Homes" January 2020 onwards

[toomuchtooold]

It's January 2020, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hi LaneBoy:) there's plenty of room, how are things with you?

she is extremely defensive and I can't remember one time she's admitted to being wrong
Craftly, I often feel that there are so many ways in which these types have been out of order that they instinctively resist admitting any fault because that would open the floodgates for a litany of complaint against them. So they just talk over you, they DARVO, etc, it's very hurtful to not be acknowledged, to have your child snubbed like that in favour of their cousin:(
She wont probably wont ever change, it's usually best to just distance yourself, or at least start working towards doing that.

Hi ulterego thank you :)

Things are rough really. A lot of current life stuff generally, but that’s bringing up a lot of past issues, not the actual abuse but the fact it’s left me unable to ask for help without feeling like a needy burden, etc.

I’m seeing a fantastic therapist - actually chose her as she specialises in working with autistic adults like me, but she’s been incredible helping me work through this trauma stuff too. She does Acceptance Commitment Therapy. I’ve had CBT as a teen.

We also have a family support worker who is brilliant and has helped us with so much in the last six months, but actually I think that’s what has triggered a lot of these problems. Having someone who oversees, who cares, who checks in, who will literally sit with me while I fill in overwhelming forms without me even asking, who is like a mum/older sister I have never had and yet like a friend I can joke around with too. It’s incredible, and it’s terrifying - not least because it can’t last forever, and then we will be alone again, and I’m always thinking “if I’m too needy she will leave even quicker”. I don’t mean I don’t have friends too BTW - I’m lucky that I do. But it’s that “being looked after” that has brought everything up.

I’m also getting settled on ADHD meds since my diagnosis in November, and that’s played havoc with my MH too, so things are interesting to say the least :o

I’m also reading through this thread just to get the feel of it :) and was really struck by this:

Yet here's a thread with so many with toxic childhoods and somehow they learn to see outside of themselves and work to make changes and heal. What's the difference? Where/when should personal responsibility come into it?

This is something that gets to me a lot. My parents both have some issues for sure. But understanding that doesn’t mean I want or feel able to forgive.

I rushed into having kids young - I’m 33 with a 12yo, 10yo and 2yo. I wanted to do a better job of it. I didn’t want my kids to end up like me. Sometimes I feel like it’s inevitable but then I remember how they are safe, they talk to me, they are utterly accepted as themselves, that has to count for something.

I’m doing a parenting course at the moment - part of CAMHS’ requirements for getting DS seen and assessed for ADHD. The leader has already warned me there’s one session where we talk about our own upbringings - AND that of our parents. It’s the latter that scares me though. I don’t want to walk away feeling like I need to say how they treated me was okay. It wasn’t.

Since the invasion of sharing personal photos with my GM who I am NC with and have been for almost a year, my mother decides to text me yesterday with GM's new telephone number what planet are these fucking people on?!

Told mother I wouldn't be needing the phone number and she replied "you never know" - that just tipped me
over the edge. I told her that I won't be needing it and I also would prefer if she didn't show photos of my DD to GM.

She effectively replied saying she was fed up of everyone attacking her (her mother is the only one who attacks her, I just tell her the truth which she will also see as an attack because she doesn't like it). She also said I was welcome to cut her off if I wanted to. (I never suggested this).

She then said showing her the photos makes her (GM) happy and she wants her to be happy and she isn't going to stop trying to make her so.

Effectively she doesn't give a fuck about how I feel or my boundaries. I knew that that was the case but her blatantly admitting it like that was a bit of a kick in the teeth.

Onwards and upwards I suppose.

She will remain blocked on Instagram and I won't be contacting her again.

Having someone who overseas who cares who checks in
These are the times when you realise how damaging it is not to have had the parental support that most people know they can rely on, as for not being able to forgive, yes I hear you. We just have to quarantine them permanently!
TheLola,
In their minds they are in the right therefore if they just keep trying we will surely eventually see things their way😖😣
Just get busy with the blocking, oh I do love blocking 🥰

TheLola, if your mother can do whatever she likes regardless of how it affects other people then you can do exactly the same.
Her declaration that she feels entitled to do exactly as she pleases....imo you should take that as permission to do exactly as you please irrespective of how it affects her!

Sounds like a good plan @Ulterego

It can be difficult because they have done everything they can to hold you in that subordinate position where you have to obey them, where you have to 'do as I say not as I do'🙄
But we are all adults now, we stand shoulder to shoulder and look them in the eye, it's game on now, whatever they do we can do it right back to them😈

You're totally right. It's a very liberating knowing that you are free of their bullshit.

Meh, feels I'm only on MN these past few months when I have issues I need help with, and rarely able to give back recently. I shall try to be better.

Won't be back on until this evening, do you mind if I spill my guts out again?

Spill away SimplySteve don’t ever discount the value you sharing your stuff has for other people. You might be putting into words what someone else can’t express.

Finally joining the Stately Homes thread (if you'll have me) after a lot of lurking and things boiling over (again) with my parents. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'd have to write 10,000 pages to give a full account, because there is just SO MUCH. And I don't have the words anyway. A lot of it is trivial and by itself it doesn't really explain why I feel the way I do. It's so hard to get any support because it's almost impossible to explain what the problem is. That's why I haven't had any success with counselling; I can't make them understand me.
Since I had my first child, I am looking at the situation with brand new eyes and questioning a lot of things that I had previously just accepted. Very recent events have also revealed to me that there is a crystal clear set of tactics that my mother employs and I can now trace this back throughout my whole life. I am just a pawn for her to use in her toxic marriage with my father.
I am doing a lot of soul searching because I need to protect my children from this poisonous influence. But she is so tangled up in our lives and I don't know where to begin. She has no boundaries (has a key to my house and lets herself in, comes over almost daily, invites herself to everything, asks personal questions, tells people things about me and my siblings) and I have been conditioned since childhood to accept this lack of privacy as normal and even desirable ("we're so close" etc). I know how crazy it sounds but I am only recently starting to realise that this is not normal and it's not actually what I want. She is very manipulative. She actually is not like this with my siblings (to a lesser extent, anyway).
My father has done some utterly despicable things. He had a terrible childhood of his own (genuinely, very sad and disturbing and far worse than mine) and both of them use this to guilt myself and my siblings. My mother believes that if he could just get help for his unresolved issues, he would be a good man.
They have frequent breakups and abusive episodes and have done throughout my life. Each time, my dad will leave for a matter of days, weeks, months (even a couple of years at one point), he won't keep up much contact with his kids but my mum will continue to live in my pocket. I have recently found out that during these times she is actually begging him constantly to come home, whilst telling me that she is finished with him etc and leaning on me for emotional support. When she doesn't get anywhere with begging him, she then tells me something bad that he has done. Something huge and extremely hurtful, sometimes something he may have done to me as a child or some historic violent episode with my mother etc. It's always something that she knows full well will hurt me to the point that I say "enough!" and decide to cut him out. She then runs to my father, tells him that I want nothing more to do with him and basically positions herself as the only way he can "win" me back. This is all without my knowledge at the time. He will eventually give in and come home, at which point my mother turns her attentions to winning me back round so that we can be "happy families" again. She starts by giving me the sob story about his childhood, but if that doesn't work she becomes aggressive and hostile and I am too weak and frightened and guilty to resist her. So we end up back at square one. She doesn't care at all about how hurtful is has been for me to hear whatever revelation she has dropped on me, or how difficult it is to come to terms with. And some of them have been awful. I struggle with them daily. I think she would deny that this is a tactic she employs and would be deeply hurt at the suggestion, but I am now seeing that this is a very clear pattern. She also does this thing where she wipes things from her memory if they are unsavoury or don't fit her narrative. So she genuinely cannot remember the times when she has screamed and shouted at me and bullied me to accept my father and their marriage after another of her revelations about his abuse.
I know she would not recognise this description of herself. At all. In her eyes, she genuinely believes herself to be the victim of an abusive husband who is trying her best to help him through his childhood trauma and that she is a supportive and loving mother and grandmother. And in many ways she is - she loves my children and they love her, she spends a lot of time with them, takes them places, is interested in everything they do etc. Far more than their other grandparents. And she would do anything I needed if I asked her (drop everything to look after the kids if I am ill, help me get to medical appointments, help me move house etc.). So I am constantly doubting myself and my perception of the situation, because it's not one thing. It can't be defined easily. I also can't really talk to my siblings about it because, despite growing up in the same household, we had very different experiences and they don't see things the same way as me (although neither of them would say we were a healthy, happy family). I am somewhat isolated.

I don't know what I want or why I want it. Do I want to cut them both out? I don't know. I do have genuine sympathy (and probably masses of guilt and obligation) for both of them. I feel sorry for my mother because she genuinely believes her version of events. I don't want them to hurt my children but I also don't want to cut them out of their lives if it's just a punishment. I just want to do what's best but I can't see the wood for the trees.
I'm so sorry for this extremely lengthy offloading of my troubles. I know other people have far worse to contend with. If anyone has any pearls of wisdom then I would be eternally grateful for some clarity. And any practical tips on going LC with a very overbearing parent who isn't going to back away peacefully? Pathetic as it is, I don't know if I can bear a confrontation with her.

Oh my God, that is so long. I'm sorry!

Hi IwantT0breakfree😊
she loves my children and they love her, she spends a lot of time with them, takes them places, is interested in everything they do etc. Far more than their other grandparents. And she would do anything I needed if I asked her
My suggestion is that you change the way you view this aspect of her, instead of seeing it as a good thing, an example of the mother that you would like her to be, understand that it is the carrot that she uses to lure in the poor donkey (you) so that she can beat you with a stick.
Or, Jimmy savile all the charity work that he did, this is her equivalent of Jimmy savile's charity work (my apologies for mentioning that name I may have gone too far with that analogy, in which case sorry)
the reason she does the 'good' things is because she understands at some level that this is the only way she can get you you to tolerate the bad things.
She, and your father they sound 'fubar' and you deserve to be free of all this shit

I also think they understand at some level that they need to keep up a constant barrage of interactions with us so that we are overwhelmed and we don't really have any space to understand what's happening, that being the case you need a period of distance so that you can take stock and really reflect on your own feelings and what you want.
She keeps up a constant presence in your life so that you are kept off balance and unable to build up a proper defence against her, you need to build a big strong fortress around yourself and pull up the drawbridge. 🏰

Thanks so much for the reply, @Ulterego
I think, trying to get my head outside the situation and look objectively, you may well be right. And yet I do feel that her love and care for my children is genuine. I suppose it's more the helping me/doing things for the kids etc that is part of the game because it encourages a dependency that is unhealthy. That's what Id like to break away from. But it seems impossible to do that without a huge battle that just feels too overwhelming 😔

they need to keep up a constant barrage of interactions with us so that we are overwhelmed and we don't really have any space to understand what's happening

This is 1000000% what is happening right now! Wow. Yes.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this too. It's exhausting.

It's the building of the fortress that I am struggling with, but I know you're right.

I do feel that her love and care for my children is genuine
Even so its still part of her overall strategy and in order for you to be free of this you will need to find some way of reframing, changing the way you view her interactions with your children.

She's a bat shit craycray toxic liability, she likes them while they're little and easy to control, this is just laying the groundwork so that they will be eating out of her hand when they get older and she will be able to use them against you too.
The reason she's nice to your children is because she wants them under her control so that she can use them against you, this is why she focuses on them so much this is why they are so important to her, I'm not saying that this is a conscious calculated strategy but this is what's going on somewhere in her mind, she's very good at denial and not acknowledging things she has no ability to reflect on her own behaviour she's controlled by the whims of her despotic id.
You should escape while you still can

Hello again! I’m gradually reading through the thread but not caught up fully yet. I will say welcome to new people, I am new myself too :o

I just wondered has anyone here done a course called ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) Recovery Toolkit? I’m halfway through mine. It’s a lovely group and the facilitators are great too. We were discussing attachment and emotions today which was quite thought provoking. Luckily not a triggery subject really as I have been in a very dark place generally the last few days.

I’ve also got the parenting course (Solihull Approach) tomorrow and afterwards the facilitator offered to go through the next session’s content with me in advance, as it’s the one where we discuss our own upbringing and that of our parents. So she knows it’s a difficult subject. I’m really glad I’ll have the chance to discuss it with her beforehand so I know a little of what to expect :)

Hi all,
Hope I can join in, been trying to find this for a while 😊!

I wondered if anyone had any experience to the other end of the scale as in, GM completely obsessed with you but refusing to acknowledge how damaging that has been and how I move forward? I struggle with a lot of guilt around this and then feel its absolutely nothing compared to other people's lives but for me, it's become such a large thing and is now a worry for my baby to be (due this month).

Before I was born, my GM lost significant relatives and wouldn't leave the house. When I was a toddler (late 20's now), she had childcare responsibilities for me which had to involve taking me to nursery so she's put me almost on a pedestal and credits me with getting her out of the house and getting over her grief.

Whilst I can understand this, I do feel like this is too much pressure, idolisation and seeking emotional support for someone so young however and it's continued my whole life. I now absolutely hate attention and I feel it's pushed me away because I don't know how to process having someone almost obsessive about you. I struggle to spend any time in her company at all.

She considers me her child, still refers to me as a childhood nickname she knows I despise, continually talks about childhood times and how I saved her, ends every text message in a few message exchange with 'love you', constantly wants to have physical contact with me (as soon as you walk into her house, she wants to force a hug on you and it would be a kiss too if I didn't turn my head), tells everyone she meets about me and my job, despite it being something I can't really have talked about and wants to ask probing questions about my happiness in my relationship in front of my OH literally everytime we visit.
The most recent was, we've just got engaged so in one minute she was grabbing my hand 'I'm going to see this ring' and in the next, asking was I happy but not the type of general engagement happiness, more probing.

She also always wants to give me presents or money and nearly had a breakdown cry in a cafe as I didn't want to have anything to eat or drink there and it was ruining what she thought was a treat. She's been buying our son presents but things like 12-18 month vests that I can't do anything with for such a long time and when I've been out with her and she's suggested clothes, again, nearly started crying in the shop as I have far different taste and rejected the clothes. Then I feel ungrateful, bit of a cycle!

As I say, all this pushes me away to the point that when I leave her I feel awful anxiety for the rest of the day including feeling guilty for feeling this way. I can't talk to her about this because she sees it just being love and has said before she would want to kill herself if she thought she'd upset me but she constantly talks about how we have such a bond and we're so close and our family is built on so much love. She's also attributed my pregnancy to her, saying if she hadn't have had my mum, our baby wouldn't be a possibility.

We sadly lost my grandad last year. My gran is in complete denial about it, signing off cards and presents as still from him and admitted she won't accept he's not coming back. Whilst he was unconscious in the last few days, she made a comment that my son would ride motorbikes as my GD loved them. I joked back, with just a headshake he couldn't have seen but then she completely lost it, saying I had no compassion so I left the room. She then followed me into the room, calling me out for leaving and hysterically crying. I tried to explain that I didn't want the stress near him or me being pregnant but she turned it to her. After a long time of this, when she eventually calmed down and got me to say I loved her, she was then fine and it was all okay now because I'd said I loved her.

I'm now really anxious our son is going to have the same problem as he's come at a time she's also not dealing with grief. I know everyone deals with it differently and there is no timescale but she is flatly refusing to acknowledge it. She's already offered herself for childcare, said he will be smothered and eaten with love, made out as if I'm horrible and our son will be unloved for some boundaries I want to set because 'it didn't harm' me and said he should be taken to my grandad's grave so they can meet. The boundaries for me really stem with treats as, she looked after me a lot as a child, she was relentless in her treats (I don't know a child who can be responsible for their nutrition or will refuse treats!) so I became severely obese for a child and was bullied. She couldn't see any harm in this as again, it was just her showing her love. She does still try this now and can become visibly upset if I refuse to eat or drink something in her house.

As I say, I always end up being the one who feels guilty but I feel like I want to distance myself and now my son and don't really know how to deal with these feelings or if I'm just horrible for feeling this way!

Sorry for the length (!) but to summarise, my life has been a cycle of her not really understanding how obsessive she is and in turn this causing me lots of anxiety and issues in past relationships where if someone got too close, I'd reject it and do something self destructive. Just don't know what to do..

*Knew I'd forget something!

Just for clarification, my parents separated when I was very small and my dad has the same opinion that she's very OTT.
My mum is very quiet, we don't really speak about my GM and again, not sure if she listens as she doesn't see any wrong in what she's doing.

She contacts me a lot through texts so I can limit the time I take to reply which I'm trying to now, but if she rings me and I don't answer, I'll be left a voicemail. She has such a voice that she sounds like a really upset/injured party and will say loaded things that make me feel bad like 'haven't seen you for a while' or how empty and purposeless her life is which, when you're pregnant, is very draining!

Just don't know what to do
BLOCK and RUN are the words that flash in my mind as I read your post Sparkle I appreciate that doesnt constitute advice but I feel panicked just reading about the situation, I'd have hotfooted it out long ago and be in hiding with an assumed identity by now.
If you start putting up boundaries she'll cling on harder wont she?

I'll be left a voicemail
delete it without listening

Hi @SparkleUK and @IWantT0BreakFree welcome.

You two actually have a lot in common. You’re being engulfed by people who don’t see you as a human being but just as a form of narcissistic supply. Unfortunately it’s impossible to have a relationship with people like this, they can only see their own needs.

IWant your mother is shockingly abusive in that she’s triangulating you and your father. I’m guessing you’re having no luck in counselling because the therapists are focusing on repairing your relationships rather than supporting you to find your personal boundaries.
I would recommend you do some of the reading recommended at the beginning of the thread and think about where you can begin to build up separate areas of your life where your mother cannot enter. Practise not telling her things, try and find care for your children that is not dependent on her, but with the aim of removing her from your life in every meaningful way. It is incredibly hard and terrifying, she’s taken all your power and resolve. Reclaim it, get angry, let yourself find yourself, not the version she’s allowed you to have.

You wrote very clearly, your story is very distressing, you are worth so much more.

Sparkle your GM is clinging to you like a drowning man, but she’s holding you under. Do you think about why her needs are given such a priority when yours are just belittled? You’ve got a great opportunity now you’re expecting a new baby, it’s time to put yourself front and centre and put her back where she belongs. I think you’re quite a strong person underneath, which is why she’s outraged when you display small acts of defiance. What does your partner think?
Just as I recommended for Sparkle get reading. The OutofTheFog website is brilliant for helping you to find a clear way forward.

To both of you - start pushing back. Don’t answer the phone so urgently, don’t respond to messages. If they come round uninvited say it’s not convenient, don’t let them in, don’t make promises or arrangements. It sounds terrifying I know, but that’s because they’ve become monsters. They’re not, they’re just pathetic people with no empathy or boundaries who only care about their own feelings.

Help yourselves, help your children. Good luck and let us know how you get on. 💐