Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

[Alexandra80]

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

Dh isn't a twat to DS or anything btw. He just finds the stimming and loud noises more frustrating redardless of a hangover etc.

He’s got a mentally ill wife and two DC, one of whom is autistic, at home and he’s out on all night coke benders? What a dick.

By being out until 6am he has let you down, and your kids. To be honest I’m surprised that rather than having a meal with kid son on his ninth birthday he did a regular thing with his dad (grandad). He needs a head swivel to get his priorities right - “carer” or not. (What caring does he do?)

I hope your course is making an impact and your mental health improves.

Morning lover.
How are you feeling? Any news from DH?
Is there anyone else nearby who could support with DS2 or mind the older boy’s at soft play?

And you mention you struggle yourself with MH, how is this impacting you? Is there anything you can do fro you to decrease anxiety etc? X

It sounds bad on paper I know. But then I also think we'll it's stressful for him dealing with having a wife under intense therapy/meetings and the like and DS etc. And it is a once every few months thing.

I'm just mad this time because I'm trying to keep my shit together and give older DS a good birthday weekend and now I've been up all night because being unreasonable or not I'm fuming and I struggle to sleep atm anyway because of my MH. Ugh I just feel alone. Because it's me that'll be doing the parental graft all day now although he's protesting that he'll be fine despite not having been home or slept yet.

I'm with Cheese on this. But doing coke is a deal breaker for me anyway, as is staying out all night.

His behaviour is very unkind and inconsiderate. Even more so given the wider context. I’d be livid!!
I guess ur going to be picking up all the pieces now...

Thanks guys. I'm doing dbt. I suffer from cptsd & "quiet" bpd (I'm not your jealous bunny boiling stereotype, it's all internalised and I seem very normal). I've been suicidal on/off this year and was hospitalised in May so it can get quite bad but this therapy should be a real life saver and game changer for me.

I have lots of strategies I use and speak to my dbt therapist weekly to iron out issues and help me just cope with life's stresses as well as learn the skills from dbt.

Gin I totally understand why it is for many people. I am supposed to be seeing a good friend tonight which makes me feel unreasonable about being so mad. But it's the principle for me. He knew I'd planned something for DS and I wish he'd been mindful of it.

He's been so supportive especially when I was hospitalised etc. He does an even split most days wrt house stuff and spending time with the kids. I'm just mad because I had a wobble last week and I need the sleep and I don't need to be this wound up.

It’s not OK, OP.

He can let off steam from his responsibilities in many other ways that don’t harm you or his family - dinner with his Dad, for example, or a couple of beers with friends would be perfectly reasonable.

He doesn’t need to go out all night taking coke and leaving you in the lurch on his child’s birthday.

I appreciate you are dealing with a lot of shit with your MH issues, but your bar is set too low if you let him think this is acceptable behaviour.

I can see he must be stressed by the situation. I’m wondering if people replying have any concept of what it is like to be a spouse in this situation. My dh does.

Yes he’s acted like a dick. I’m not trying to excuse the behaviour. Especially the coke. Never taken it myself and I wouldn’t be ok with this.

Could you perhaps swap roles even if you have to drop them off / pick them up? Taking 9 yos to soft play isn’t difficult. Then you could perhaps rest a little at home. Maybe they could take the bus.

My husband has me and our 2 daughters all being Autistic to deal with, it's hard work for him but he wouldn't dream of behaving in this way!
Big hugs to you xx

How is coke not a big deal. What happens if he drops dead?

Surely you cant lea e your toddler with someone who has been taking coke the night before, anyway

OP I get that you are ill. But your boundaries are way off. He is out on his sons birthday taking cocaine.

He's left now. Will be back in half an hour. Hell act like nothing is wrong and hes totally fine and I'll be seething and I'm going to have to spend all day talking myself down from where I'm at because Im not even angry I'm just at that meh point. I want nothing to do with him today.

its always a one off

So NOT a one off then.

mummyof I could. But I might as well do it myself in that case iyswim.

We did have a lovely day yesterday, on his actual birthday. He's almost home. God I just want the bed to swallow me whole. I can't deal with this shit.

deathstare I mean as in once every 3 months or so. He doesn't take it everytime either. It's if people offer it. It's hid childless mates that have the crap.

Now he's texting how hes almost home. He loves me so much. Don't be mad etc. I'm sober.

Please stop making excuses for him, he went out on his son's Birthday! That's not ok in itself, it's nearly 6am and he is rocking up!

It's not a one off if he does it more than once.
You should not accept his behaviour.
I also wouldn't let anyone who's been taking coke look after my DC.
You don't have to accept this life.
Also everyday people go through stressful lives and don't turn to drugs. You're making excuses for him.
Sorry if this came across rude OP. That wasn't my intention. All the best.

I was also meaning for you to stay with your lo because you know he will be cared for appropriately.

I'm just going to take him now. Dw I won't be leaving him.

I mean as in once every 3 months or so

That is certainly not a one off. And in my opinion its rather a lot.

I would be livid. I wouldn’t care about isolated incidents of drug use, I don’t have strong views about that, but doing so the night before he has planned family arrangements is irresponsible. I would be mad and I wouldn’t trust he was sober. Neither would I want to leave my young child with someone who had only had a few hours sleep when it’s a demanding task.

Tell him it’s selfish and disrespectful, he can spend the day sleeping it off and get himself in a fit state to take over when you go out tonight. He can also get up with the children in the morning while you have a nice lie in. I would make it very clear if it happens again there will be more serious consequences as you can’t be in a partnership with someone who isn’t reliable.

Thanks for the replies.

He's home and is sober. I have said I can't deal with this sort of behaviour especially not right now. We'll properly talk when he's awake. I'm not bloody OK with this.