Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

[Alexandra80]

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

I haven't read all the responses, but have read all of OP's posts. I don't think two lines of coke and no alcohol is a particularly big deal. But I'd be really annoyed about him coming back so late when you had plans.

I think your mental health is a red herring.

Her mental health is important as she has BPD and is checking that her feelings are valid and proportionate to the situation.

They are proportionate OP. You have every right to feel angry, let down and upset by his behaviour.

Thanks 12345. That was why I mentioned MH. Because it means I always feel I'm being ott or will be accused of being ott.

'(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place.'

Sory to hear that. :( You still deserve to be treated as well as anyone else. xxx

Alexandra80, is he the one using your mental health to accuse you of being ott? If it is, I think you need to sit down with someone you trust to work through his behaviour.

From the information you've posted, and on the assumption he is receiving benefits to be your carer and a stay at home dad (meaning you've been assessed as needing this support) he is taking the piss. If you were well enough that he didnt have to get up in the mornings to care for his children, if you were well enough to manage weekends solo with no notice, then he wouldn't need to be a stay at home dad or your carer. I get that you're doing it because you're a good parent and you want to do your best, but it's like if you had a broken leg and were supposed to keep off it. You could force yourself to keep going but it's going to affect your recovery and at some point you may not be able to keep going because you are ill.

I'm not arguing that it isn't hard for him, I know it is. But plenty of parents (single parents, those caring for an ill partner) have it hard with no option to just opt out of parenting for a bit.

@Dearymeop, if you could point to the part where I excused his behaviour? Try reading the post before you sound off..Nowhere on my post did I ever say it was ok, and in fact showed by hatred of cocaine. However instead of shouting her down, I actually tried to think of possible reasons and practical solutions that might actually help. Just going on about how drugs are awful ( we know that), helps no one!

Thank you littletabby and sussane

He isn't accusing me of being ott. I've been invalidated my whole life certain family and because of my mh so I just find it hard to tell if its a "bpd thing" or if my concern or issue is actually rational etc. I obviously have some idea but it helps to talk to others who can say actually that's reasonable or whatever. It's still subjective but it helps.

It is a case of that though. Healing from this last big breakdown would be easier if I was taking it easier iyswim. I do all these parental things because I love my babies and I'll always put them first and foremost but I've got virtually nothing left for myself. But tbf to dh I've acted like I've got this and I can handle it. I can on some days. But this last month or two it's reached a head. Im running on total fumes and just dissociating all the time, not sleeping, having intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. The works.

I spoke to dh a bit yesterday. He made a pact, no more drugs of any kind. Its too risky as to their content and we have kids. He suggested it. He said he's been taking me for granted because I just get up with the kids (he'd do it but he takes so long to get up that I just think fuck it, I'll do it, the youngest is getting distressed etc). He's gonna do the mornings now. We're going to try and get out more now the days are lengthening. He's going to join the gym with his brother so he's got some kind of outlet. He enjoyed the gym prekids.

Things aren't perfect but it feels like something, y'know. I still have doubts and I didn't air all my concerns. But I hope those things do all happen. Otherwise I will be rethinking this marriage long term.

By rethinking I just mean seeing if maybe marriage counselling would help etc.

And tbh all the accusations of me being a shit parent because I let my h take coke are horrible. I didn't make him snort it. I didn't say "have a nice night, feel free to make it last 12 hours and get fucked up on drugs" I'm doing my best with what I have.

Ok so I have taken coke a few times and there’s no way During the “come down period” I would look after my child. Or indeed be a round people tbh. I wouldn’t do it again because I realise I turn into a bit of a nob on it and afterwards and it’s really really not compatible with family life.
I don’t think there’s grey areas here. If he’s in your family then it stops.

@Alexandra80

I spoke to dh a bit yesterday. He made a pact, no more drugs of any kind. Its too risky as to their content and we have kids. He suggested it. He said he's been taking me for granted because I just get up with the kids

It's good you had this discussion and it sounds like he has taken on board that he has become increasingly selfish. Shame that you had to drag him kicking and screaming to that realisation, but hopefully he'll now step 'up to the plate' over the long term, and take the burden away from you in a more balanced way.

It's also positive that you've recognised your marriage isn't completely unconditional. Unconditional love is for DC. For adults it's crucial that the relationship is a constant two-way street, not all give and no take, which he seemed happy with. He's got to put the effort in!

By rethinking I just mean seeing if maybe marriage counselling would help etc.

If I were you I'd do that now. He's far more likely to be receptive now that he's recognised his behaviour hasn't been good.

Tell him that this current episode has somewhat shaken your confidence and that you'd see it as a positive step to strengthen your marriage if you can go for some couples counselling, not only to help you both but for the sake of your DC.

Strike while the iron is hot!

Oh yes daisy! Ive always thought that unconditional love was for your children only. I left a shitty partner during pregnancy to be a single mum to a newborn so I have no qualms leaving when I think it is the best decision for me and those depending on me.

I would if I wasn't also doing this dbt. Its 2 very intense, draining, quite upsetting sessions a week (you have to discuss and process past trauma and learn ways to deal with what life is throwing at you that feel very uncomfortable and new). I haven't got the emotional room for any more. But I said yesterday that I think it would be good in the future, maybe when dbt ends on August and that it's not a negative thing, it'll help us strengthen our marriage etc. My aunt and uncle did it a few years ago and we saw how much it helped them (weirdly similar situation in that my DU is bipolar and gets very ill sometimes and my aunt was struggling to deal with it all and kids understandably).

OP, glad you’ve had a positive discussion and he’s offered to make some change including join a gym. You mentioned that you’re 5 stone overweight and not feeling great physically. Would you consider joining the gym too? Even if you can’t go together because of child care (there might be a crèche although don’t know if it would be suitable for your youngest). As you’re a morning person and he’s going to do the mornings, could you go to the gym or use it as time to go for a walk or do something that can help you achieve your personal fitness goal as that might help how you feel mentally too? Sounds like you’re handling your personal difficulties really well. All the best to you and hope that what happened the other night might have been a blessing in disguise if it’s helped precipitate some positive changes.

Thanks. I'm on a "diet" as in counting calories and going out more. Nothing crazy, just a pound or 2 loss a week and it's helping me immeasurably

Just dropping in to wish the OP a happy 2020. I am pleased to hear about the pact and I hope things continue to improve for you both.

That sounds like a really positive discussion. I'm so sorry your family treated you that way.

@Alexandra80 your not a shit parent and regardless of what everyone else seems to think (because they are clearly perfect and have zero concept of the realnworld) you are doing a amazing job of being a parent while struggling with your MH. Yes your partner has some flaws, but it sounds like from your recent posts that hes recognising these and is trying to make changes and help. Even with the best intentions in my experience partners often dont realise how much we struggle/support we genuinely need as they see us just cracking on and aren't aware of how much we are actually struggling. In all honesty your partner sounds rather similar to how mine was last year, as he didnt realise how much more support I needed from him, and tbh i didnt realise he was struggling too having to be my support and the pressure he was feeling. But now through frank communication and changing how we talk about things to "I feel" and making conversations less confrontational and allow us both to be honest, because my feelings can be ott, and starting with I feel allows me to Express them honestly, has allowed us to get to a good place where he understands and offers me the support I need, with me also trying the best I can when I'm able to. We still have blips, but compared to last year it's been a million times better and we function better as a unit.
Everyone has they're flaws, all we can do is try to work on them (eg your partner doing what he can to stop coke).

Regarding the people ripping into OP. Frankly I'm disgusted, as have any of you considered how your "well meaning" comments could effect OPs Mental health? Even more so as shes been brave enough to admit shes already struggling. Have some compassion.

Thank you theabc and tabby

Thanks littledragongirl I probably shouldn't have put coked up in the title. I wrote it when I was peak-seething but obviously it's a heated issue. All the comments bashing my parenting/mental health were the icing in an already shitty morning. It was worth posting though, for the good advice I've had like yours and a good few others though. H generally is so good with our boys and was amazing when I got really ill. He had to help me wash, help me eat, help me stay safe, listen to my daft ramblings, be a dad, keep the house going. I think we fell into a rut a little later and that's how we got here.

He seems so remorseful this weekend and has made a big effort. He's admitted today that he's felt out of his depth a bit but was plodding along hoping it'd come to you like parenting comes to you when you have a newborn. He never pre-plans the nights where hes gone mental. It's like a release valve but he says he wants to come up with a better one. I guess time will tell. I don't mind the odd blow out, sans drugs, either. Just not on a night where I need him to watch the DCs the next day but he knows that now

OP, I think you have handled all this incredibly well and I am really pleased to read your updates today.

It is good that your DH has made constructive changes and did not come over all defensive.

This has been a difficult moment but you have had a good conversation with your DH.

Onwards and upwards.