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Original poster

Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

271 replies

Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 05:31

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

OP posts:
SkateAway · 04/01/2020 06:25

Can anyone go with you to soft play? That way if youngest has had enough one of you can stay with the older ones and someone can take DS2 for a walk and some time out?

I'd be packing husband's bags tbh.

Ishotmrburns · 04/01/2020 06:33

He sounds irresponsible. I think you can occasionally use drugs with friends when you aren't in charge of your children and still be a good parent, but to do so out of the blue because you've bumped into someone, on your DC's birthday, and then roll in at 6am when you were supposed to be in charge of DC, is really irresponsible.

You say he's sober and frankly I think that makes it worse. What was he doing out until 6am sober when he knew you were up worried and he was meant to be looking after DC today? Sounds totally ridiculous.

OneDay10 · 04/01/2020 06:38

I think you have made drug use acceptable because you feel guilty about him caring for you. That is unfair - on you.
What he is done is grossly not ok.
I'm sure if you were not dependent on him, you would be thinking the same as everyone posting.
I have sympathy for you, it must be a horrible situation to be stuck in.
And no it is not ok for him to be snapping at your ds about his autistic traits.
I think you have made alot acceptable to yourself.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 04/01/2020 06:38

I'm on the doesn't care about the coke in some circumstances team, but those circumstances are not "it's one child's birthday and you're meant to be taking care of the other child in the morning". I'd be pretty bloody annoyed if I were you.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 06:38

I'll ask my friend. Im just going to make today nice for DS and formulate how I'm gonna approach this.

OP posts:
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 04/01/2020 06:42

'It's always a one off' ? Hmm

Clare45BST · 04/01/2020 06:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkateAway · 04/01/2020 06:49

Clare In a different car? You're suggesting he drives, with a two year old in the car? After being out all night coked up and pissed?

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 06:50

clare thank you. He doesn't drive so probably not. And I don't want to spoil the time with eldest DS by being mad. The space will do me some good. I'll take youngest DS and hopefully my friend will come but either way I'll wing it so its still a nice time.

Thanks for the replies. Obviously with my condition I can never tell if I'm overreacting because my emotions feel pretty intense all the time. I've read lots of other 'dh isn't home yet' threads and most people say let it go so I was expecting a flaming tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 06:51

He didn't drink btw. And doesn't smell like anything besides fags (ew but nm).

OP posts:
ellix · 04/01/2020 06:52

If I knew my dp was using coke, he wouldn't be any where near our dc.

Sorry op but it sounds like he does it a lot to me.

VestaTilley · 04/01/2020 06:53

He sounds awful. It's never a one off with coke.

Responsible parents and carers for disabled people don't do coke or other class A drugs. I'd be breaking up with him.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 06:53

He is sober now (in all senses) . Just fucked from being up all night

OP posts:
maryann1978 · 04/01/2020 06:54

He may appear to be sober but still under the influence of drugs.

I would be so angry about the whole situation, it's not okay for him to be doing all-nighters when he has small children at home. I would be fuming that he even considered going out on DS birthday night never mind letting the family down today.

Please do not excuse his behaviour because 'he has a lot to deal with' because your DS has additional needs and you have poor mental health - that's life, it's not always easy. I'm glad you are going to have a chat about it when he is awake later on -he needs to be told to grow up and stop this childish behaviour as he isn't a single man without responsibilities anymore.

SuperMumTum · 04/01/2020 06:56

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. After you get through today the two of you need to sit down and discuss this and look at the boundaries of his drug taking. It sounds like you are ok with it up to a point, and he needs to respect that he's reached the limit on this occasion.

Btw he may seem sober and not drunk but the coke is still in his system, he's still coming down and he isn't fit to be looking after a 2 year old this morning.

Kraai · 04/01/2020 07:00

OP others have said your boundaries are low.

You've said he's stressed.

I'd agree with both.

Have you told your psychologist about him doing this and that you're not sure if you're overreacting?

Worth a mention I think.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 07:01

People overreact about coke. The effects are short lasting and yes it'll still be 'in his system' but just because it doesn't get out of your system doesn't mean you're still 'under the influence'.

However if he's not been drinking he'd have taken a lot more coke than a 'normal' night out to keep going til 5:30am so maybe you need to address the fact that regular use could cause him serious health problems long term and the last thing you and the kids need is to be attending his funeral.

dontknowdontknow · 04/01/2020 07:02

Oh my goodness you poor poor thing. It is OK for you to stand up for yourself and your children and not expect your supposedly loving partner and father not you to binge on drugs the night before his son's birthday. If it sounds bad on paper it's because it is bad. Read the next sentence twice: Having a problem isn't about how much or how often, it's about what happens when you do. And he demonstrated quite clearly that he was unable to stop himself. Sorry but that is problematic behaviour and you so need to put down a firm boundary as in NO DRUGS. He might not buy it but have a think about the children and families that have been destroyed in the process of getting that coke to him. It's not like a few drinks - it's illegal.

If he needs help there is NA and also his GP as a first port of call. He may need more therapeutic help if he is as stressed as you say. Please have confidence in your own instincts and convictions.
I feel for you and your kids today. Focus on them and completely ignore him until you feel stronger to address it.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:04

Don't worry, I definitely won't be leaving DS in his care today.

I do think it's both those, lower standards cus my mh is shite and I'm reliant on him as well as him being stressed out etc.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 04/01/2020 07:05

How is he in any sense your carer right now? He's not even been with you and his behaviour is exacerbating your issue.

Is he getting a carers' allowance for this?!

SnorkMaiden81 · 04/01/2020 07:05

No, he SEEMS sober because coke masks booze.

Your problem won't be today, it'll be tomorrow and Monday, and probably Tuesday when he's coming down and knackered.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:06

Thanks dontknow

His birthday was yesterday but still. I don't think he's addicted. Just takes up the offer if it's there. But it is shitty to do that during this time. It's awful timing. I asked him if he was depressed last month as he struggles to wake up in the mornings but he said not.

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 07:07

I've read lots of other 'dh isn't home yet' threads and most people say let it go so I was expecting a flaming tbh.

OP the ones where people are told to let it go are when it's a genuine one off or once a year. They are just out drinking.

Not when the person who is out is meant to have responsibility for children the next day. Not when the person is out doing coke and not when the person has chose to go drinking or on a coke binge on their childs birthday.

*he effects are short lasting and yes it'll still be 'in his system' but just because it doesn't get out of your system doesn't mean you're still 'under the influence'.(

Yes it's entirely reasonable to look after a child when you have been out all night doing coke. Of course people should be fine with that Hmm

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:08

nearlygranny yes Blush but it all goes into my account and I budget etc. So it all goes towards the kids, bills etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:11

This has brought up some other issues. Like how I feel that if he is off work as my "carer" then I should be doing a bit less and stressing myself out less. I need more support generally with stuff I'm being stoic about but should just say I need things to be different. I do talk to my therapist about this stuff and she's great.

OP posts: