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Original poster

Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

271 replies

Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 05:31

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

OP posts:
Wauden · 04/01/2020 14:35

I push him all the time to see friends, go out, have time alone. He's a home body normally though. But he could do with maybe branching out more to his other friends that don't do drugs.
This is it. He needs to stay away from drug addicts.
Or soon he will be a drug addict. They all say they started out as 'occasional' users, then it gets more often.
.

LizB62A · 04/01/2020 14:36

its always a one off

It's not a one-off if it happens more than once.
Happy to help....

stophuggingme · 04/01/2020 14:36

You are making excuses for him because of other issues and factors.

Being stressed and bring a carer doesn’t send the millions of people who fall into this group off on all night coke benders roughly four times a year.

SusanneLinder · 04/01/2020 14:37

@Dearymeop, Social Services often come round if a person has made an attempt on their life and been hospitalised. Especially if there are children and to offer support. They also do if there are children with disabilities too. OP should not be ashamed of that. I used to work for Social services and it was standard practice to see if the parent/children needed help. If the parent could cope or there were no concerns then they would leave. I know the partner takes coke,but that wouldn't be a red flag unless he was often coked up or in charge of the children whilst under the influence. Seems that he isn't.
I hate cocaine with a passion for many reasons, including how it destroys people and families, as well as the whole criminal aspect, and wouldn't be with someone who took drugs on a regular basis. And I would be very angry at someone staying out all night when there was stuff to do,regardless of whether drugs were involved.
However, it does seem that your family are under a lot of pressure, you from your illness and him from caring, and wonder if you could get a Carer's Assessment. And please be assured, I am NOT excusing his behaviour at all, but wonder what else is going on. Perhaps he needs some support as well.
I am also a Carer and I know how challenging/exhausting it can be,but drugs are not the answer, just add to the problem.

Dearymeop · 04/01/2020 14:43

@SusanneLinder stop excusing this woman and her DH’s behaviour. These children are going to be raised by one parent who is a drug taker and another who has mental health issues that could be made worse by her husband’s drug taking. It’s disgu

JasonPollack · 04/01/2020 14:49

Good lord everyone has their wanker pants on today don't they.

Elieza · 04/01/2020 15:33

Apologies if I’ve missed something, but why doesn’t your partner work? I believe to get carers allowance you have to be caring for someone 30 hours a week. So that’s what 4hours a day. So during that time presumably he should be doing stuff like shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Does he do this, or are you just a meal ticket for him? His carers allowance is buttons, hence to have a quality of life he must be either additionally eating into his savings or be eating into benefits intended for you/ds. He could do an hour of care for you before work and three after work and still have time to himself?

If he does really care well for you could he be feeling the strain and that’s why he goes on benders? Perhaps he’s needing some counselling or support himself?

I wouldnt put up with coke use. That shit can kill you on the spot when your heart explodes. He doesn’t have the luxury of death while he has a ds and an unwell dp! He needs to stay alive for you guys, wtf is he playing at.

BobbyBlueCat · 04/01/2020 15:50

I lost any sympathy I may have had for you when you condoned illegal drug use.
I don't care how infrequent it is.
You have children and are happy for this to happen.
The only 'victims' here are the children.

Trewser · 04/01/2020 15:55

I didn't realise how unforgiving and intolerant MNetters are until today.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/01/2020 15:57

Intolerant of hard drugs? You bet

Trewser · 04/01/2020 16:03

Well, do you know what, they are everywhere. I don't take them, my dh doesn't, i don't think my teens do, but loads of kids at dds old secondary school do. You need to get some perspective because the OPs bloke sounds alright and leaving him over the odd mad night with his mates is overkill.

Ginfordinner · 04/01/2020 16:07

I didn't realise how unforgiving and intolerant MNetters are until today.

I didn't realise how tolerant some mumsnetters are of hard drugs and are happy for the drugs trade to fund gang violence, people trafficking, prostitution, modern slavery and murders Hmm

Trewser · 04/01/2020 16:10

No one is happy about that. But its a fact of life that people take drugs for all sorts of reasons. Really stupid not to realise that and try and address the problem sensitively.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 16:17

Thank you jason and trewser

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 16:28

the OPs bloke sounds alright and leaving him over the odd mad night with his mates is overkill.

Where is it does the OP's husband 'sound alright' to you?

Is it where the OP needs help and care due to her disorder (she's not supposed to be left lone with meds, yet he leaves her overnight) and he doesn't actually help?

Is it that stress will make her condition worse, so he takes coke and pulls an all nighter with his druggie friends (of which he is one, they are friends for a reason, he's into this too)?

Is it that she needs help with their disabled son, as well as being ill herself and he just leaves her to it every morning?

Is it that on the day of his sons birthday he pulls this? Or that he'll be too hungover to partake in his sons birthday treat or look after their other child? Did he even get to go after all this?

What is it that makes this man sound alright to you? I'm not seeing much myself.

Trewser · 04/01/2020 16:31

He's a SAHD and a carer. The OP loves him. He isn't perfect but nothing sounds nasty or worth leaving him over! They both have stressful lives and what he did is not ideal but we all make mistakes and no one died.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/01/2020 16:33

No one died. This time

womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 16:40

The OP loves him

This is not a character indicator, people love all kinds of awful people....

He's no carer, as I pointed out, he's making her health worse and by doing that overnight, causing her more stress at the same time, he actually endangered her life.

SAHD, one who pissed off to do coke on the day of his son's birthday.

Wauden · 04/01/2020 16:48

No-one died - doing illegal, hard drugs?!? Possibly mixed by the dealer with all sorts of shit? Confused

Trewser · 04/01/2020 16:49

No one died in this case Hmm

Fanciedachange1 · 04/01/2020 17:03

OP I agree that the cocaine is a huge issue here. Your husband has been ok so far, but what if next time his friends have unbeknowingly purchased a bad batch and your DH drops dead?

A lot of people say it will never happen because they always buy from the same dealer but if someone further up the chain has altered the drug in any way then who knows what could happen. Could you cope alone raising your kids? Would ss think you could?

Trewser · 04/01/2020 17:23

It's up to the OPS oh to decide if he wants coke or not. There's nothing she can say to make him change his mind if he still wamts to take it. That's how drugs work. The user has to want to stop. Berating the OP achieves zilch.

OP, I'd have been pissed off too and you need to say if you think its not ok. Then work together to try and find a healthier outlet. WOW is good for mindfulness but can also be very addictive. Then it's up to him.

SausageSandwichPlease · 04/01/2020 17:30

I can totally understand what OP is saying, that the biggest issue for her is that he completely neglected his responsibilities and put himself first, regardless of which method he used to get off his face.

However... a cautionary tale... I got mixed up with someone who claimed to do sniff every now and again. He had a lot on his plate. Ended up (and still is as far as I know) an absolute raving mess. On it all the time. Lives like a bloody vampire now from what I can gather.
My point is, coke and people with a lot going on in their lives - emotionally and practically, is a recipe for disaster. They use it as an escape. If things continue being stressful and full on at home, it's a massive possibility that he will become reliant very, very quickly.
Take care OP xx

Dearymeop · 04/01/2020 17:31

There's nothing she can say to make him change his mind if he still wamts to take it

‘ I’m leaving and taking the children if you don’t clean up your act and stop taking highly addictive and illegal substances’ might do it if he really is an infrequent user and isn’t addicted.

daisychain01 · 04/01/2020 18:02

Upthread I suggested to the OP she should have an honest dialogue with her DH, to find out if he was willing to open up as to why he's taking coke. Then it would be important to seek formal help from NA for example. Unfortunately my advice got left behind and probably been ignored.

There is absolutely zero point the OP threatening to leave or dishing out an ultimatum at the moment! The OP is herself trying to get her MH back on track. No way should she consider destabilising things until she can make a more organised long term plan. Leaving in the dead of night with 2 DC may seem like a good idea on MN, but totally impractical in rl.

People are being way too harsh with recriminations and blame on the OP, when she needs more patience and tolerance. Have a heart.

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