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Original poster

Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

271 replies

Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 05:31

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

OP posts:
ScarlettBlaize · 04/01/2020 08:08

You were a single parent for five years? Is your older child his son?

Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany · 04/01/2020 08:11

Always a one off?

Its not a one-off then is it.

Zero tolerance here for drugs.

starfishmummy · 04/01/2020 08:12

PiP is not paid because of your illness, its paid because you need help to do daily living activities, and is actually quite hard to get so you obviously do need the help. On top of which he gets carers because he is supposed to be helping you do those things for at least 35 hours a week. Sure I know there are good days when you can do more and bad days when you can't but it does sound like he needs to step up and actually provide the help you need.

elmosducks · 04/01/2020 08:12

I am sorry but that is such a dick move. He can go out at any time, and he is an adult so capable of saying no and coming home to his family.

I would be furious!

One of my DC is also autistic and I know the way this impacts on many things, giving a sibling some time away from this is a wonderful gesture and he has spoilt that.

Twat.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 08:15

Eldest DS isnt his biologically but his dad isn't in the picture and DH does treat both the same. It wouldn't have made a difference if it was the youngests birthday instead iyswim.

Blouse I think that's my plan for today.

imip he's come to any general appointments and the hospital meetings and got some good info there about how to help. We could see if he can come to one of the solo dbt sessions or just to discuss more things that might help etc instead of 1 standard session.

DH is now asleep and I'm up with the DCs so at least we're having a cooling down period.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 08:20

Elmo that was my issue. I like doing one thing per weekend with just my eldest so he gets that special attention and we're not tied to potential meltdowns with my youngest. And I know he values that time a lot. We can do something together next weekend or one evening instead. It's just disappointing and so unnecessary.

And yes the pip elements I qualified for where things like not being able to be alone with medication, a lot of self neglect and prompting that's needed, help with food because if it were up to me I wouldn't eat or would eat the easiest possible stuff. I use all my energy to make sure DS's are well cared for. Sometimes I do have to go to bed in the afternoons because I'm so exhausted or just so distressed and I always wake up a little better etc.

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 04/01/2020 08:49

its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc

Well that's an oxymoron.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 09:00

As in its not a regular thing. That's not my big issue here anyway. Its that it got in the way/shouldnt have happened last night if he knew he had responsobilities today :/

OP posts:
Hepsibar · 04/01/2020 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 09:04

Their life chances aren't low christ. I'm certainly making sure of that even if it's just me.

OP posts:
Mumpower123 · 04/01/2020 09:05

taking coke every 3 mths or so, is a problem. Sometimes he doesn't have any, but how do you know!? It's a quick high. Coke users in this situation are binge users. This needs addressing now. It's selfish, irresponsible. Also can cost a lot. He needs to attend a course such as ramp, and stop hanging around with these people and engage with you and his family. You won't want to hear this I know but it's serious. Especially if his drinking or on medication and taking coke. This needs sorting out now.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 09:06

They have a mum who loves the hell out of them and makes sure they're healthy and happy. They're unaware atm about any of it besides I get tired sometimes.

OP posts:
ColouredPolkaDots · 04/01/2020 09:07

I'm mentally ill to too the point of being disabled. I refused to make my now ex my carer as I didn't want those lines of relationship/carer to be blurred. He was my partner and that was it. He also had issues with coke.

We split this year when he got violent. He hurt our DS and I still feel awful that it happened. I found out afterwards he'd started taking drugs again. Don't let this happen to your DS. Druggies are still druggies even if it's one offs. Yes, coping on my own was scary. But I have more money and much more freedom. Leave before he gets worse.

Branleuse · 04/01/2020 09:08

@Alexandra80 I think you did the right thing taking the kids out. Its not fair he stayed out overnight getting high, but I think id also recognise as you do that its not that a frequent occurance and maybe an occasional blow-out is what keeps him going.

Trewser · 04/01/2020 09:09

He needs to find an outlet that isn't drugs or alcohol.

Frankly the home situation sounds very stressful and you will both need the occasional break from it.

Worth spending a bit of time and effort talking to find out what that would be.

bookworm14 · 04/01/2020 09:09

Coke is a big deal. Aside from its immediate effect on your family, by buying/using it he is propping up criminality and human misery on a global scale. I despise anyone who has anything to do with it.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 09:10

How shit coloured Flowers Well done.

He's a good husband in all other respects. He'd never lay a finger on me or the DCs. He's never once lost his shit. My family are quite toxic so my support network is limited besides DH. I'd leave if I had to. If anything happened and I left this year I wouldnt be able to continue my dbt and I'd be back to square one with this bullshit illness.

OP posts:
An0nym0us2011 · 04/01/2020 09:11

It's all well and good him not doing it when he's not got the kids but hel be coming home to the kids on a come down

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 09:14

It does cross my mind that I'm pretty hideous to look at too. I put on 5 stone with DS, the medication and the illness. I'm losing it slowly but I'm a big tired fat mess atm and relationship issues always make it hard for me to be focused on weight loss etc. I need to lose it though, for the kids. I need to be healthy for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 09:14

And yes ethically coke us awful. I totally agree there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 09:15

*is

OP posts:
Lemonlimesoda · 04/01/2020 09:15

You’re happy to leave your children with a ‘parent’ high on coke straight from a session? Wow Hmm

Trewser · 04/01/2020 09:16

You or your looks aren't the reason your dh takes drugs.

MatildaTheCat · 04/01/2020 09:17

Your DH needs a safer way of socialising and letting off steam. He bumps into these old friends and is immediately lured back into their lifestyle because he presumably doesn’t have many outlets.

Can you encourage him to find better ways of getting a social life/ free time that doesn’t go this way?

I don’t want to guilt trip you because you aren’t responsible for this and have enough going on BUT the kids caught up in county lines are all the DC of someone. Kids with vulnerability and their lives are being ruined. So it not ok.

Good luck to you all because you are all in a tough place. May 2020 see this change for you.

Branleuse · 04/01/2020 09:17

The answers to this could vary wildly according to what circles you have moved in in the past.
I dont like coke for various ethical reasons but if my partner was generally really supportive and good, but infrequently went out, then within reason its no different to me if he went out and had a few drinks, or got really stoned, or had a couple of lines or whatever, as long as it was well away from the kids and was fine by the time they were home.
Its something if keep an eye on, but this sounds to me like really not the sort of thing people should be shouting LTB over especially in the context of how much support he is providing which is needed.
Noone here would go in and take up the slack.
Sometimes families do run a little bit different to the norm