Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

[Alexandra80]

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

Lemon, read the thread please or don't comment.

Eldest DS isnt his biologically but his dad isn't in the picture and DH does treat both the same. It wouldn't have made a difference if it was the youngests birthday instead iyswim.

You may think that but from his point of view he's spending a lot of time as the sole carer for a child that isn't his (and whom he has known for four years at the very most).

If you didn't have him, what would have happened to your son when you were hospitalized?

It sounds a very messed up situation all round.

Thanks branleuse thats the jist of it.

It has got shit recently in that he is leaving a lot to me especially considering the MH and our youngest's stuff that's going on. And I do need to address that. I think last night might have happened because hes gotten used to me doing most morning stuff and just being a bit selfish in the moment last night, especially because he was impaired. I am really hurt and it does feel shit.

I would agree branleause but the come down is so bad and could exacerbate the stress, it seems a bad idea.

You really need to find him something fun to do if you rely on him so much. You too of course.

scarlett My mum had him. They're close. She's shit about mh issues but shes a good grandparent.

And what would you have me do? Just not go in and kill myself instead? That's the only reason I've ever been admitted. I don't like living like this and I'm doing what I can to change it. It's no different to having a physical condition that puts you in the hospital once every few years.

Thank you @Alexandra80

Stop thinking you look hideous and worrying about your weight. Most mums are a bit overweight, look knackered and hardly ever have time for make up (myself included). Focus on your mental health then deal with the physical.

Since leaving my ex I've gained some weight but it's because I'm allowing myself to enjoy things more. I also am much better mentally. Yes, I still have bad days but I let my emotions out when I need to and weirdly since ex left I'm shocked at how much calmer I am as a parent. I just go with it rather than trying to cope and losing it when I can't. Last night DS wouldn't sleep. Before, I'd have shouted, sworn, got angry and been awful. These days we get up, play, have a feed and just keep going calmly until he's asleep again. I thought I'd be much worse but I'm much better. Maybe you could be too.

My ex partner was my carer (have physical health problems and PTSD) claim pip and he claimed carers however I found I was doing more and more because ha said it would do me good (it didn't). He definitely wasn't doing 35 hours towards the end but I stayed with him because I thought I wouldn't cope on my own without the help. I finally separated in September and it was a relief, I realised that actually I can manage and things I can't the kids will help me with and also I use my Pip to pay for things that make our life easier or I find impossible to do. I won't say it's easy because it isn't but we get along.
I also have child with asd and school have been extra supportive to him when they found out our circumstances.
Have you thought about young carers for your eldest. All areas have to have one. It can be for children who have parents or siblings with disabilities - 2 of my 3 have accessed it and have found it great fun to relax but also realise there not alone.
Also whatever you do (and this is really hard) is you need to talk to your partner and let him know what your feeling and what your struggling with. How he can best help you. (I'm not good at this one but I do know it makes a big difference).
Enjoy your day out and tackle things when your feeling calmer..

trewser I push him all the time to see friends, go out, have time alone. He's a home body normally though. But he could do with maybe branching out more to his other friends that don't do drugs.

I make myself go out and see people, do things, so we're not on top of each other too much. It definitely can be intense living together in that situation where someone is quite unwell.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off

What you are saying here makes zero sense.

How can it be a once off if he does it more than once. It appears he has a pattern of doing it.

I think you're in denial over his drug use, and using coke is actually quite a big deal.

I don't mean socialising. I mean a hobby or exercise or sport.

He's been really inconsiderate. I don't have strong feelings about sporadic drug use, but he was supposed to be doing something today, which will now be unlikely to happen.

Thank you butterfly At the moment my eldest has been quite sheltered from it but I'm aware he'll need to know more in the coming years. He knows I have a problem with my mind and it just gets poorly occasionally. I don't rely on him for anything atm but it would be good for him to have an outlet like you say. I've been trying to sign him up to scouts for the same reason.

trewser all he wants to do as a hobby is game. It seems to work for him. I do keep suggesting he go back to the gym which he first said to me he'd like to a few months ago. I just keep saying I'll be fine and if he wants to do something like that he's got the option but he says he's happy as things are on that front.

I have RTFT and read this is not the only time he has used cocaine so not outrageous to suggest he is around the children straight from using. Also wonder if your acceptance is because you partake too? Coke is only going to add to problems and is never going to help build a solid, happy, healthy environment for children. It will never help mental health regardless of ongoing MH issues or not, so if you suspect DH has depression it will only add to this. I say this with concern for the DC and their future outcomes as a PP said.

Gaming is fun but it doesn't do much for your MH particularly if its the violent shooting type games. Could you both set a goal to walk more together or enocurage him to go to the gym or get outside more?

I don't touch any drugs. That would be mental. Literally. All things considered.

No, he has never looked after them after any of those times.

I live in the south east, near London. Sooo many people my age do coke. Its as common as weed or alcohol on a night out. Shit but that's how it is. They've started screening people at pub doors because it's such a thing.

Trewser it's world of warcraft so harmless but I agree, getting out is important. Part of what I want to say later is that we need to get out more as a couple and as a family.

(but also himself, alone, if he wants to)

I know coke is really popular and I wouldn't judge him for that but it is absolutely shit for your MH.

He either needs to find a healthier outlet or you will need to be ok with the occasional coke binge (i wouldn't be ok with this just to say!).

Your situation sounds quite claustrophobic and I can understand him being out with mates and acting like he doesn't have a care in the world.

I love World of Warcraft and agree it can be a good stress reliever. But its so so important to get out of the house as well.

Yeah I think there's an element of him finally going out after weeks of not bothering then running with it iyswim?

As in its not a regular thing. That's not my big issue here anyway. Its that it got in the way/shouldnt have happened last night if he knew he had responsobilities today :/

A parent taking coke is not your big issue?

Jesus fucking christ.

I agree staying out all night is a shit thing to do especially when OP has been unwell, but why is everyone so focussed on the coke. Bet a lot of people having jibes about not leaving DS2 and it being a deal breaker are quick enough to open a bottle of wine of an evening or have a few gins at the weekend, then happily look after kids next day.

Young carers would be a good idea for your eldest, I have 2 children with ASD and my 2 girls go to young carers.
They go once every other week for 2 hours to a centre and also get trips out in half terms that I wouldnt be able to to do because of the other children.
Also it helps them with school, most schools will have a young carers group that meet up also esp when your eldest goes to secondary school they will be more mindful of more help and time for homework.
It is bloody hard, I had terrible PND and having children esp children with sen depend on you is terrifying at times.
You really need to have a talk with your partner, he probably needs support to but drugs is not the answer.
Welcome to PM for a chat, hope you and your boys manage to have a lovely day.