Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

[Alexandra80]

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

Dbt doesn’t cure bpd it’s not curable it can allow you to pause when you react to events.

Thank you so much alone

I was clueless about young carers. I assumed they'd have to be actively looking after you a fair bit.

He’s got a mentally ill wife and two DC, one of whom is autistic, at home and he’s out on all night coke benders? What a dick.

Yep. This TDLR sums it up perfectly.

I know it's not curable but I should certainly be doing better than I am right now. It's only gotten worse with fobbing offs from Dr's, wrong medications, wrong diagnoses etc. It will mean I don't feel like killing myself everytime I have a rape flashback etc.

I wonder how much of your problems are caused by him.

OP lots of people I know do coke

4 years ago my step brother has quit cocaine. He then fell off the wagon. One night occasionally, wonr hurt. He hung himself after binge

Last year my friends cousin, did similar.

Later in the year that friend, hung herself the day after cocaine bing. 2 weeks later her brother did the same. Theres people on this forum who know who I am talking about. When my friend died someone started a thread in berheavmenrt, because they were so devastated. Yesterday, I bumped into someone who knew her. We both ended up in tears.

Look at the reality TV stars last year, that did the same, after taking cocaine.

It may not seem like a big deal to you. But if you were well, would you take something, that is known for fuckinf up peoples mental health and results in suicide, quite often.

Would you choose that? Would you choose for your children to loose a parent in that way? You are ill, that's one your fault.

Would you choose to be like you? When you are well would you choose to make yourself ill.

And that forgetting the lives cocaine production and selling ruins. Connections to people trafficking, gangs etc. By taking it, he is adding to that wether he pays for it or not.

Oh and god forbid, he does end up doing the worst to himself, what happens to you and the kids?

No, I personally wouldn't touch it, for those reasons. I've seen friends get addicted and have awful week long hangovers/come downs. That is the extreme but I'm aware of it.

I don't care how normal(ised) it is in your circles, coke is bad, bad news and I wouldn't have anything to do with someone I knew took it. Radical, maybe, but there you are. Tbh even weed would make me very wary of the person in question. And you are clearly talking about habitual use that you don't want to admit is habitual (hence your noteworthy phrasing 'always a one-off').

Bet a lot of people having jibes about not leaving DS2 and it being a deal breaker are quick enough to open a bottle of wine of an evening or have a few gins at the weekend, then happily look after kids next day.

A 2 or 3 gins, is very different from an all night binge on coke. Besides which, no actually. If I am having my kids the next day. I dont drink. When I was with exh only one of us would drink if the kids were in our care. My dp isnt my kids dad, and we still have the same rule. Only one of use drinks.

We dont sit in the house and drink on a weekend anyway. Only if we are going out.

I'm not massively defending it but he did 2 lines. Not a whole bender. Hes just a twat who likes getting deep and talking for ages into the wee hours whenever he has done it

I might ask for this to get moved to relationships.

It's about how it impacts them as well, it's not your fault that your Ill and he has a brother with Autsim but he probably does do more then you realise.
When young carers came out to do the assessment I didnt realise how much my girls do do for their brothers.
Ask for an assessment, and do not feel guilty, tbh you sound like even with all your mental health problems and your child with sen you doing your absolute best for your children.

@Alexandra80 I can't add much to the good advice given already, just to say it sounds like you are managing your MH really well, focussing on the advice you've received from your specialist and doing your best in far from ideal circumstances with your DH.

His drug use is not a choice you'd have him make, but you're having to live with that reality, and maintain stability at home for the sake of your DC. You're having to substitute for the gaps he creates when he chooses to think of himself rather than his family. Take it one day at a time, that's all you can do.

Do you see the relationship as long-term? If so it's worth trying to get some couples counselling. He sounds like he needs some external intervention to point up changes in attitudes and behaviour he needs to own and address - you're too "close to home" for him to listen to, it often needs an external voice to get the message through!

daisy I married him so I definitely see it asong term. I'm very invested.

alone I'll look into that. Thanks so much. He's such a bright, funny, happy boy and I want it to stay that way!

I'm not massively defending it but he did 2 lines. Not a whole bender. Hes just a twat who likes getting deep and talking for ages into the wee hours whenever he has done it

Op he really didnt. Firstly you never believe someone when they day I only had 'x' lines.

Secondly, if he is so tired he sidnt stay up all night with 2 lines and no drinks.

OP,do you get the chance to go out regularly by yourself? I don't have a mental illness, but as a WOHM I know how grinding it can be to be at home, day in and day out. I am signing up for fitness classes this year to arrange regular time out away from the routine. I know you struggle with shops, but would something enjoyable and structured help you relax?

The same applies to DP as well. Coke can't be his outlet,as pp have stated for all the reasons above.

Oh I hate these type of birthday posts... kids birthdays are a special time in our house and it's all about making the best day for them. All hands on deck.

I'd be fuming if my DH did this to our dc! How utterly selfish. Why wasn't he with his ds on his birthday instead going down the pub?!

And as for leaving you in the shit this morning given your mh... so utterly selfish as a DH too!

@Hepsibar ACEs are too simplistic. Different people have different protective factors. I know ACEs say their literature says the more ACEs you have as a child determines your future but actually if we look to other lit, say Bronfenbrenner, he talks about the ecosystem each person lives in and the protective factors that can come with that such as education. He also says each child needs someone who is crazy about them to thrive. ACEs are a horrible tool that some people use who haven't been taught to critically examine.

So yes the OPs dc have an ACEs score - however, they also have protective factors which could null and void the ACEs score.

OP I think a long conversation about 3 monthly coke binges with your dp is in order. He shouldn't have dropped plans the next day just because he ran into some friends.

His mates are the type that only ever have one bag between them though and there were 4 of them. And dh didn't seem massively on it when he got back. I know him well enough to know if hes charged up to his eyeballs.

I mean as in once every 3 months or so. He doesn't take it everytime either. It's if people offer it. It's hid childless mates that have the crap
So it’s NOT a ‘one off’
His childless friends might have the ‘crap’ but he’s your DH, your problem and he takes the ‘crap’!
I think the fact you’ve been so blasé about the coke has encouraged him into thinking that he can do what he wants.
You’ve made a rod for your own back

There was a post the other day of how many people were doing coke. Here is a perfect example of how mainstream it is becoming and OP isn’t bothered by it at all.

Thanks guys. It's the fact he bumped into mates, got 'on it' and just thought fuck it (about us and today) that has really gotten to me.

He might not buy it but have a think about the children and families that have been destroyed in the process of getting that coke to him

Coke would be a complete dealbreaker for me, even weed would be. I know you have a lot to deal with but your casual acceptance of these three monthly events (not a one off) is shocking

He knows I think it's expensive, stupid and unethical. But I'm not his mum. I'm not going to stop him seeing friends or going out. He had to chose not to do that of his own volition and put us first. He just fucked up this weekend.