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Original poster

Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

271 replies

Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 05:31

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:12

It's not all him either. I was a single parent for 5yrs and am used to pushing on and don't like to ask for help unless I'm desperate.

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 07:13

So he doesnt work full time then?

OP, he isnt caring for you. And he hasnt done right by his child.

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 07:14

What do you mean you should be doing less?

Please tell me, he actually cares for you. Does the majority of housework etc

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:14

No he's been off since I had a serious attempt in May and have been waiting for therapy (medication doesn't work for me but I tried every one going).

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Oysterbabe · 04/01/2020 07:14

People who take Coke are scum. Utterly selfish arseholes who don't care about the lives that are destroyed so they can have their bit of fun.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:16

We do 50/50 pretty much. He does bedtimes and school pick ups. But atm I do feel like I can't cope with it all. I know it's a bit pathetic because I can do it, it just takes a lot out of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:19

Should mention, I qualify for pip on the grounds that work sent me into a huge suicide spiral last year and I struggle with sleep and dissociation which made work too much. Plus I'm now on intensive therapy that's good but triggering. I want to work but I can't risk it atm because I get so unwell so fast and it becomes life threatening etc.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 04/01/2020 07:20

It’s not pathetic it sounds like you’re really struggling.
Do you get the 2 year old finding for your youngest to go to nursery?
If not your gp or HV might be able to support this?
Lots of love

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:20

I narrowly avoided hospital last month. I managed to scrape myself off the floor somehow

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:21

I do. It's been great for his socialisation and speech (he has a delay and is non verbal mostly)

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AlwaysCheddar · 04/01/2020 07:23

Your dh needs to grow up and stop doing drugs. Very simple.

SuperMumTum · 04/01/2020 07:25

It's not pathetic. He is your carer. Let him care for you. If you can work on your recovery rather than housework and childcare then you will get better and he can get back to work eventually.

I would like to add that he is probably very stressed. Not that it excuses his behaviour, but your suicide attempts probably shook him up massively and being off work is probably a big change for him mentally. Its good that you are trying to understand why he needs to blow off steam and allowing him space to do that. I don't think substance abuse is necessarily the solution to that btw. Maybe he could think of other ways to feel "himself". Men are often bad at talking through their feelings and he probably doesn't want to burden you too much - maybe it just feels easier to go to the pub? I hope the two of you work through this.

eldiablo · 04/01/2020 07:28

Staying out is only an issue because he had committed to take care of your youngest.

As for the coke, I'm sorry but it's a dangerous drug. One use can cause cardiac arrest if you're unlucky so it's very irresponsible to take when you've got a family who depend on you.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:28

Thanks super

It definitely scared the shit out of him. It was very sudden. And it's isolating for him, us both. I've spent all year trying to show I won't get like that again. I had no mh support at the time (due to funding I guess)

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plunkplunkfizz · 04/01/2020 07:37

What is it that’s different about this time compared with all the other times you’ve condoned this behaviour? Is it that he promised to look after your child today? If so, getting on at him about being incapable to meet his responsibilities is the way to go and YANBU. However, YABU to now censure him for drug use you’ve shown no objection to as a “one off” every three months for however long.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:40

I'm not bothered about the coke per se. It's stupid. But besides this once it hasn't impacted us.

I'm bothered that he stayed out til 6am after promising to enable me to take DS out as a treat for his birthday that was yesterday.

OP posts:
Festivecheeseandcrackers · 04/01/2020 07:41

I’m so sorry your DH has been a dick. I won’t comment on it other than to say there is no way on earth YABU, as you’ve had enough comments on it.

However I wanted to say you seem like you are dealing with it in a very rational, methodical way which isn’t always easy at the best of time, let alone when your mental health isn’t great. There’s no point blowing up with him now and getting yourself upset. Let him stew. He will know how much trouble he’s in and when he comes grovelling later, then you can have serious words with him.

Enjoy soft play (as much as you can!)

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:41

I guess I'm also bothered that it ties into me seeming to be doing the mornings alone atm and feeling a bit abandoned.

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Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 07:42

Aww thank you festive I will. It'll be nice to get out and nice to see both DSs have a good time.

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imip · 04/01/2020 07:55

The bit that I would be upset about is that he wasn’t switched in enough to care for your dc due to tiredness and it could make him snappy. Just echoing a thought mentioned by a previous poster that being a carer is hard work, the worry is just as concerning as the physical element, of not more difficult to manage. For context, I’m a carer for my autistic dd (two dds, in fact).

And just another thought, in the context of caring, he may be leaving you to do some things, eg getting dc ready, to get you back into the rhythm of daily life? For example, I could do lots of things for my dc, but I want them to live independently, so it may mean going into shops when it is a stressful environment for them. I hope this makes sense.

You sound like you’re doing fabulously well op. I think on this we all have different thresholds, but like you, mine would be that you feel let down for childcare for your younger dc and you want your older dc to enjoy his birthday. Don’t let this be a set back in your recovery op, you sound like you’ve made fab progress so far. I have my BPD BIL staying with us at the moment and he keeps moving backwards with recovery. I hope you continue to move forwards x

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 08:00

Thank you. It helps to hear from someone with a similar experience in terms of children.

DH gets frustrated because hes not sure we shouod be allowing him to make so much noise. I'm of the opinion that it distresses him more if we try to stop him and it harms no one and seems to serve a purpose for him. He's non verbal so I think sometimes it's his way of letting off steam too.

I do know that he's not leaving those tasks to me to help. He genuinely hasn't thought about if it's too much and tbf I haven't said its too much. I just came out of hospital and after a month or so we picked up where we left off.

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Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 08:02

I. E. I do the shopping because he doesn't drive. I hate crowds and bumping into people I know unexpectedly in case it's on a bad day. But I do it. I get up in the mornings with the DCs. I'm a morning person but I feel very emotionally drained by it after sort of 1pm. We split the housework evenly. I cook every other night etc.

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Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 08:04

Sorry, I didn't mean for this thread to be drip-feedy but it has gone a bit drip-feedy Blush

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BlouseAndSkirt · 04/01/2020 08:05

OP, it sounds as if you are working really hard on your MH and doing a great job, and also that on the whole your DH takes it very seriously and is supporting you.

Of course last night has thrown a spanner in the works: he will be tired, you will be tired.

Keep to your overall plan, let Ds have the best time possible on the outing. Enjoy it as much as possible.

Tell DH to sleep while you are gone.

Then when you get back, you have a 2 hour nap while he has them.

Then, when you can, talk about what happened, how you feel, what you need.

imip · 04/01/2020 08:08

Do you have a health professional to help guide your dh? I assume you don’t because I never have! But it’s amazing how Sometimes you’re just left with it with no guidance! Maybe good to let him know these things, sometimes writing them down so you remember everything is easier than talking about it?

I do let a child stim, mine can be quite loud, but not overly. And it usually is a method of calming down. Again, it’s be good if their was a health professional giving you guidance on this rather than leaving you in the dark. There is an element of stimming that I find upsetting, I guess it’s confirmation that my dc doesn’t find things easy and sadness that they do have ASD, but again it’s most likely calming for them (though I do stop head banging!).