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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
LetsPlayDarts · 02/01/2020 21:38

You need to message him and ask him for date #2. Perhaps he doesn't want to seem too forward as you did say you didn't like that approach.

Racmactac · 02/01/2020 21:39

Just text him. Life is too short.

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:40

i was the last to message though! i absolutely hate the idea of chasing someone who isnt interested...i cant work it out though as i thought the date was great and he was the one prolonging it...

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 02/01/2020 21:42

New Year’s Day was yesterday so it’s not been long. Before the date were you messaging every day?

Geometricprince · 02/01/2020 21:42

New years day was yesterday, give him chance!

Foghead · 02/01/2020 21:43

I wouldn’t text. You sent the last message and it’s only been a day.

RonSwansonsMustacheComb · 02/01/2020 21:43

On new years day... Yesterday? I'd give it another day or so then just message and ask if he'd like to grab another coffee but no hard feelings if he doesn't.

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:43

we only started messaging about 6 days before..we spoke most days, maybe not all and only briefly. id not given it much thought then though!

OP posts:
babytum · 02/01/2020 21:44

Give it another another day. If you’ve heard nothing by tomorrow evening send a text. I’m the same as you, I’m betting he’ll message tomorrow 👍

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:44

does this seem like someone who is interested?

i cant work it out and dont want to text if this is usually what men do on dates even if they have no real intention of taking it further. perhaps he was just very polite in general?

OP posts:
user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:56

i cant believe i have become this person who is waiting for a text..

OP posts:
otterhound · 02/01/2020 22:05

I firmly believe in the rule of sods law - if you like them, they dont like you back!

He might be playing to get to see if you chase, he might not give a shit his girlfriend might be back from her family.

You’ll only really know if he contacts you. That was the thing about old i found boring - the game playing!

user63212 · 02/01/2020 22:08

otter im 99% sure he is single but i suppose you never know!

perhaps he didnt think it had gone as well as i thought it had. maybe i made a mistake in messaging him first, but i was being polite and usually do that with anyone who has paid to eat out.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/01/2020 22:08

It's only 2nd Jan !!!
You said you went on your date on NYD, which was yesterday!!!

Relax !

GoddessOfTransformativeWrath · 02/01/2020 22:10

Honestly, leave it 48 hours. Please.

If he hasn't texted you in that time, then he hasn't responded to you quickly enough and you'll have started to care a bit less by then.

Be pro-active, send a message if you want to but NOT YET.

You know yourself by the sounds of it, you get back from an internet date and you want to digest and reflect and see if you miss the person.

I've met people I liked and at the same time I couldn't care less if I never see them again. Sometimes it takes 48 hours for me to know how I feel.

Oct18mummy · 02/01/2020 22:11

3 day rule. You said you didn’t like moving to fast so he’s playing it cool. If he doesn’t text you back in 3 days forget it.

GoddessOfTransformativeWrath · 02/01/2020 22:11

I don't think you made a mistake responding to him. Don't think like that.

Just don't bother any more. YOu're not getting anything from him so no point giving anything back, yet. See what he comes up with. In the meantime, match his nothing with nothing. For a while anyway.

Pipandmum · 02/01/2020 22:13

I waited a week before my husband called me after our first date. Chill out.

user63212 · 02/01/2020 22:16

this is so unlike me...im usually so relaxed. i dont want to text him and will feel worse if i do. even if he responds i wont be sure if he was interested enough to contact me.

sigh.

i was over excited as i had never felt like this!

OP posts:
category12 · 02/01/2020 22:18

It's only the next day, fgs. Give it a couple of days, you absolute loon.

user63212 · 02/01/2020 22:20

i know, i know.

i certainly feel like a loon!

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 02/01/2020 22:21

You told him you preferred the slow approach. If he likes you, he will give it a few days and then text.

user63212 · 02/01/2020 22:23

i know but that was when i was expecting to feel like i do after most dates and wanted to put some distance there!

i didnt realise i would go on to have the best date ive ever had.

OP posts:
CombyourhairNow · 02/01/2020 22:34

You only went out yesterday! Give the bloke a chance! Easier said than done but give him another couple of days. He’s maybe worried he’s coming on too strong so what’s to play it cool.

VerySale · 02/01/2020 22:46

Just message tomorrow and ask him. He may be trying to play it cool.