Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
otterhound · 03/01/2020 12:29

Alternatively as i work in the city we can meet at Monument, (I’ll be wearing a carnation in my lapel) you hand me your phone and i send him a text.

Then technically you havnt sent it 😊

georgialondon · 03/01/2020 12:32

I'd say don't text. If he's interested he'll reply to you.

Noideawhatusername · 03/01/2020 12:37

Agree with georgialondon, don’t text him. He’ll get in touch if he is interested.

Oysterbabe · 03/01/2020 12:38

I don't think there's anything wrong with sending another message asking if he'd like a second date and no hard feelings if he doesn't.

I hate all this treating people you date like a frightened deer you need to tiptoe around in case they spook and run. If he likes you he'll say yes and if he doesn't he won't. We make things harder than they need to be by not being open and honest.

peardrops1 · 03/01/2020 12:43

I'm really invested in this now.

peardrops1 · 03/01/2020 12:44

@otterhound, please can you sort out my love life too?

Mrshue · 03/01/2020 12:45

Holy crap. I’ve been married a long time now. But I would of text. Jesus. Life is way too short for all this!

MrsTJOsbornee · 03/01/2020 12:47

Please text. Don't wait about to see if you go off him. Life is too short! Good luck.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/01/2020 12:50

OP, having read back through your posts, I think you gave every impression that you weren't really interested: you acted cool by your own admission; and you "scarpered". You weren't honest with yourself about your feelings; and this has hampered being able to be honest with him.

i didnt realise i would go on to have the best date ive ever had.

Did you tell him this? Why not?

What does vulnerability mean to you? Does it end up in pain?

I think those who are securely attached, when they meet on a date, really don't worry about holding back what they want. You are getting the opportunity to experience what your previous first dates went through with you. Now you know, what would you change? Then change it.

otterhound · 03/01/2020 12:53

Peardrops

If you knew the mess i’d made of my own, you’d run a mile!!!!

Vilanelle · 03/01/2020 12:54

i cant believe i have become this person who is waiting for a text

Hmm

As you get older you will realise that game playing is such a waste of time. If you like him just text him, he either likes you or not so double texting is not going to put him off you.

Cohle · 03/01/2020 12:54

I think you have him a lot of signals that you weren't that keen or prefer relationships to move veeeery slowly.

I think if that isn't the case you might have to make the first move here. If he's not keen it's hardly embarrassing - you'll never see him again!

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 12:54

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone

This is why she should wait and see if he asks her.

Danni91 · 03/01/2020 12:55

I don't get it

If he isn't interested he won't reply to your next text anyway, but at least you'll know then And be put out your misery

Is it just a case of pride? You don't want to be the one who chases him? Because sending one text isnt chasing at all!

You already know this is your own fault for telling him how much you dislike the eagerness then expecting him to be openly eager. If he feels the date went as well you feel it did hes gonna be trying not to do anything you mentioned you didn't like

Quite frankly you are fucking bonkers

Just text the man so we can all know if theres date number 2 or not. It's not really fair to keep us waiting when you aren't enjoying the wait either!!

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 12:57

you'll never see him again!

But she likely will. He may say yes out of politeness only. And she won't know if that's why he's saying it

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 12:58

If he isn't interested he won't reply to your next text anyway

But that's not th case. He's already told her he struggles to say no and goes on second dates to avoid upsetting women

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 13:03

i am so confused as to why he hasnt text!

Because you basically told him not to, also you scarpered when he leaned in for a goodbye kiss.

Your signals to him have been telling him not to.

Now text him and let him know otherwise

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 13:05

@Bluntness100 she has said she finds it hard to say no to second dates too...
but if they don't have a second date they can't have a third, fourth or fifth.

Cohle · 03/01/2020 13:05

Ok so she'll possibly see him once more for a second date and then she'll find out if he's not keen. That's still not the end of the world.

He's clearly able to turn down women at some point or else he'd currently be married to some woman he doesn't actually like out of sheer awkwardness.

daisyphase · 03/01/2020 13:07

I can't bear the wait anymore. Please text him!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 13:08

I can't bear the wait anymore. Please text him!

This! OP please text him.

daydreambeleiver · 03/01/2020 13:14

I found that despite going on second dates I really wasn't interested until I met "the one" we arranged a second date in the car park on the first date and by the third were planning holidays etc - if it's to be you do know, both of you. Perhaps I'm just lucky but there is a mr right

user63212 · 03/01/2020 13:20

ive prepared a message im ok with.

but the more i think about it the more i do think he would have messaged me if he was interested. i will be gutted if he doesnt want another date and it will also leave me really confused in the future as it will mean i clearly read signals wrong!

so scared to send it.

OP posts:
SilverOtter · 03/01/2020 13:20

DO IT!!Grin

bangheadhere40 · 03/01/2020 13:24

I have a similar issue. Had 2 dates, all good, he is always texting me etc but no firm plans to meet again. I want to ask but don't as want him to ask, what should I do?

Swipe left for the next trending thread