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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 02/01/2020 23:01

I agree to give it few days. Then if he doesn't respond you could send one more as there's nothing to lose at that point. Also, sorry to say this, but your follow up text asking if his journey went well sounds a bit dull. Perhaps he couldn't think of anything to chat about as he had just seen you.

BodenGate · 02/01/2020 23:07

Did you kiss? Why don’t you send him a message asking him if he’s getting on ok back at work or something and judge the tone from the message. You could then send something very general like you usually receive such as would you like to meet up again? It would be great to see you again but if you’re not feeling it then no worries and I wish you well.

user63212 · 02/01/2020 23:16

no kiss, i was quick to scarper though outside the tube as i felt shy!

normally i am ok with being honest about wanting to meet up but i think i would be crushed if he said he didnt want to! im too scared!

OP posts:
letmeinthroughyourwindow · 02/01/2020 23:45

Surely he's just playing it cool because you told him you don't like it when men try to move too fast.

user63212 · 02/01/2020 23:47

well maybe but i wish i hadnt said that!

OP posts:
Fern12 · 03/01/2020 00:41

How old are you?

Canadianpancake · 03/01/2020 00:46

I'd text him tomorrow suggesting a second date. What have you got to lose?

Dieu · 03/01/2020 02:23

You sound lovely, and your dating experiences seem very similar to my own! However there is a slight arrogance to some of your comments - although I'm sure this was unintended - and I don't think this experience of being the one kept waiting will do you much harm.
You went on your date with him expecting it to go like the others, and it didn't as you were keen in the end. If he has backed off, then it's maybe because you gave him the spiel about others being too keen etc, and he didn't want to come across that way. Definitely contact him in a day or two, but remember to keep an open mind with any future dates.
Good luck!

Zoflorabore · 03/01/2020 06:38

Hi op, I honestly believe that he has listened to you regarding the moving too fast situation and will definitely contact you.

The signs from the date are all good and positive. Give him a few days and then once the conversation is flowing again maybe let him know how glad you are that he messaged you! You’ve got nothing to lose and who knows what it could become?

He could be the love of your life or another OLD disaster but there’s something quite exciting about not knowing which yet.

Do let us know and in the meantime, keep busy Wink

PicsInRed · 03/01/2020 06:57

Sounds like Game. PUAs, God bless em. 🤣

He's got you thinking constantly about him, hasn't he? Raised his own value above yours to such an extent you're now desperate to hear from him?

He'll prob get in touch around day 5-7.

Do YOU actually like him? Let that make your decision, not his mentalist, scarcity bullshit.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2020 09:02

Stop overthinking this OP.
Wait until later today.
If you haven't heard anything then send another message telling him you'd like to do it again and it's your treat this time.
If no response then you can move on.
I hate all these 'dating' rules.
Find out early on and move on if it's not going anywhere!

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2020 09:09

Send a text OP. Life's so short. Maybe wait until later but he may be thinking the exact same as you about not wanting to appear too keen

I have NEVER sat there and thought 'oh no they have double text me' if I actually like them Smile

Moltenpink · 03/01/2020 09:10

Living proof that playing it cool always works!

EssentialHummus · 03/01/2020 09:14

“Hey Bob, I had a great time with you on Wednesday - let me know if you’re up for getting together again?”

hopeishere · 03/01/2020 09:16

Blimey daring these days is exhausting. Text and ask what he up to over the weekend and does he fancy doing something. Life's too short to dilly about on the sidelines.

TwentyViginti · 03/01/2020 09:16

Sounds like Game. PUAs, God bless em

What does this mean, please? Confused

EssentialHummus · 03/01/2020 09:27

twenty pick up artists

sofato5miles · 03/01/2020 09:37

My friend's now husband waited 2 months before texting her after their first date...

Obviously, things improved

TwentyViginti · 03/01/2020 09:51

Cheers, Essential!

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 09:59

It was only the first of jan, so I'd give it a week see if he asks you out again.

TwinkleTwinkleDancer · 03/01/2020 10:00

Text him!

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 10:07

Don't text him. Never double text. If he's interested he will ask you out.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 10:11

Ignore @Bluntness100. Don't play games.
If you want to see him again, text him.

You told him you basically don't like men who are too eager so he's trying to play it cool.

If you're both not trying to come across as too interested you might miss the boat.

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2020 10:14

Never double text

Why not? There is absolutely nothing wrong with it OP. If he likes you he won't care

user63212 · 03/01/2020 10:16

ahhh i domt know what to do!

i feel very silly for trying to be such a cool cat on the date and for saying the bit about people getting too full on with online dating! why did i do that!

there's been a couple of instances where ive text someone first but usually ive been indifferent to whether they said yes or not...and then they said yes anyway. this time i think i would be gutted if he didnt want to meet so i cant bring myself to message!

the last message i sent didnt include a question, it was just "hope your journey back was ok." so there wasnt much to reply to.

BUT i still think when a man wants a woman he texts! and my usual sane self would rationalise this...

OP posts:
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