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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/01/2020 18:21

@Filofax2 - I agree with whoever said you met a mirror / I think she meant someone who isn’t ready to commit rather than cheating bast#d!

Yes, that's exactly what I meant.

OP, what you're not addressing here are the underlying psychological issues that may be underpinning this. Your being sideswiped speaks of an encounter that is psychically charged, i.e. is being driven/affected by the unconscious.

What is your relationship history? I'm assuming that you find it hard to forge bonds. I'm assuming that this has its genesis in your family of birth, and that your father may have been absent to some degree. I could be wrong, but I'm going on a hunch.

If so, then take some time to work on you. It's not too late. I entered therapy in earnest in my mid-30s having avoided the real confrontations with myself for years. It helped. It really did. But first you have to be honest with yourself.

IdiotInDisguise · 03/01/2020 18:59

You have no idea how young you are, you are pretty much in time to find a nice man. It won’t be the usual romance a twenty something will go through but can be equally fulfilling.

Don’t loose hope for a prick, take a break and if you really want a partner, dust yourself and keep searching, he is somewhere out there 🙂

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2020 19:26

So did he ever actually say the word ‘yes’ as you mentioned in your first response? So confused about the conversation now Hmm

Thestrangestthing · 03/01/2020 19:42

You met a guy on tinder (basically a site to meet people for a shag). He probably kept the date going longer to make you think he liked you more than he did so you would be more inclined to have sex with him.
He might be making up the wife, he might not, either way he's probably moved on to the next target off tinder.
Forget and move on.

happycamper11 · 03/01/2020 20:57

OP this is not a reflection on you at all. Nothing to do with your age, looks or anything else. He appeared keen because he was after no strings sex. You were stand offish enough for him to realise he wasn't going to get that. Was probably hoping for it on the night tbh and that's why he prolonged the date. I'll bet his wife has no idea they are 'separated'. Even if she does, or there is no wife, I doubt he's looking for a relationship. Don't know why people are jumping on you for the phrasing 'not sure' either it was only mimicking his words and both of you obviously meant there won't be another date. Onwards and upwards!

Aus84 · 03/01/2020 22:44

My nieces male friends use the 'married/nearly divorced' line when they don't want a second date. Even if they have never been married.Usually they are chatting to and meeting several women at once and it's an easy way cull them down without the awkwardness of having to say they are not interested. It's harsh and cruel but that's what OLD has been for a while now. OLD came about as a way for people to avoid the meat market of finding someone at a pub or club, and now thanks to sites like tinder it has turned into a meat market itself. Soon the new trend will be for singles to meet other singles in person at a pub with corny pickup lines while waiting to order a drinks and the next generation with think its the new big 'organic' thing that they came up with all by themselves.

happycamper11 · 03/01/2020 22:49

My nieces male friends use the 'married/nearly divorced' line when they don't want a second date.

That's pretty thoughtful of them. Any man myself or my friends have come across just go for the good old traditional ghosting.

Sickandscared · 04/01/2020 01:42

He is horrible and rude. You are obviously very attractive given the choice is usually yours.

Your sudden self deprecation is worrying. Why are you letting some random man define how you view yourself?

Maybe you're not his type and maybe that's a good thing.

I am a brunette. I've always considered myself very attractive (sorry if that sounds arrogant) and never been short on male attention. I remember being in the early days of a new promising relationship. He mentioned in passing he always dated brunettes. I thought nothing of it - he had a type. Then he brought it up again and said he wouldn't date a blonde because every time you go anywhere with her, every other guy has his eyes out on stalks checking her out.

I was young and I didn't finish with him. I should have.

This guy could have well decided you are too attractive / confident / possess standards for yourself.

Never let anyone come between you and your good opinion of yourself.

Ruderidinghood · 04/01/2020 10:47

He was probably prolonging the date to see if you'd sleep with him. He most likely isn't separating or divorcing. He is simply cheating. Keep going. You'll fond right one. X

ReadyPayerTwo · 04/01/2020 13:27

I totally agree with the PP that he was prolonging the date to see if you'd show signs that you wanted to have sex with him - he was probably hoping the way hey hey spirit of New Year's Eve would still pervade and make you more up for it!
And yes he's almost certainly not intending on leaving his wife.

However, the fact that he just prolonged the date rather than being more overt about his intentions implies IMO that he was maybe punching above his weight with you, so take it as a compliment not an insult!!

supercali77 · 04/01/2020 13:47

OP. They prolong the date because they might get a shag. Irrespective of whether they'd see you again.

supercali77 · 04/01/2020 13:51

I had a similar ish situation before xmas. Guy wanted to keep prolonging the date. Cheek kiss at the end. Later he texted to say he had a great time. More chit chat. Then....would I like to do it again. I said sure. More chit chat. No date set. I deleted him. He continued to text sporadically. Details emerge. He and his 'ex' spend xmas together. He puts the kids to bed at her house. Blah blah. They are still v involved in one anothers lives. Maybe she has no idea hes 'dating' or that they're seperated at all. Either way its red flags all the way. And chemistry means nothing if it's going to be a shit show

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2020 13:51

Where was he going to get a shag? Round the back of the bus stop? Confused

supercali77 · 04/01/2020 14:07

Back at her place.

happycamper11 · 04/01/2020 19:48

I'd imagine he was hoping for an invite back to OP's @Bluntness100 have you done much OLD?

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