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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
Foghead · 03/01/2020 10:17

I wouldn’t double text either. If he’s interested, he’ll text back.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 10:18

also i totally get the life is too short point, but surely he should be thinking this too!

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 10:21

TEXT HIM!

He's probably sat there having the same thoughts. He even made it clear he liked you when he invited you for coffee after dinner.

And even if he doesn't want to see you again at least you know.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 10:23

i cant bring myself to do it! my confidence has vanished and i think i would rather not know...

how has this happened...i was perfectly calm about life two days ago!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 10:23

I would be sorta creeper out if I just had a first date yesterday and he felt the need to text me already. I guess its complicated in that you spoke a lot before the date.

What's this? 2 days now? Give it another 2 days at least and then if he hast contacted you - text and ask how his week is going and does he want to get drinks (or whatever) at the weekend? (or whenever).

christmasstress · 03/01/2020 10:24

Text him!!! Life is too short for all this crap!

Ohyesiam · 03/01/2020 10:24

BUT i still think when a man wants a woman he texts

Well yes, but you sort of told him not.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 10:26

Your confidence has vanished because you don't want to be rejected because you really bloody like him, yet you're risking the chance of missing out.

Life really is too short. And if he doesn't want to see you again at least you got a free meal out of him Grin

saltysally · 03/01/2020 10:26

You are right, OP. If he wanted to text he would. If he had wanted to ask you for another date, he would. Time to move on!

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2020 10:27

If he’s interested, he’ll text back

Text back to what though? The OP didn't ask any questions?

FFS. Dating should not be difficult. You like him, text him, if he doesnt reply, move on. Simple. That or you miss out on him as he thinks you aren't bothered after your closed text about his journey Confused

SmellMySmellbow · 03/01/2020 10:29

Give it another day. Text him tomorrow.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 10:29

'Time to move on' ? Seriously? It's not even been three days!

If it goes much past the week without hearing from him then yeah, he probably isn't interested.

But really, not sure op us ready for a relationship if she is getting so stressed out after one good date. Might need some more self-work/maturing.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 10:30

i dont think it is closed off to say i hope your journey was ok...

it leaves it open for him to contact me again surely...and i was the one who messaged first and said thanks for a nice day. so i assume he knows i enjoyed it.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 10:31

@Pinkbonbon or maybe she's just had so many shit dates that this good one has made her realise that she could be on to a winner. I don't think it's immature to be nervous after a good date.

Needbettername · 03/01/2020 10:33

For goodness sake just text him!

Smurfie12 · 03/01/2020 10:34

Life is too short, this is not a dress rehearsal, if you like him message him and ask would he like to meet for a coffee and lunch your treat. If he does not respond you have your answer and can move on.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 10:34

No but to be freaking out because he isn't in touch the very.next.day after a good date...sorta is. Of course it could just be lack of exp and some anxiety issues rather than immaturity.

karala · 03/01/2020 10:35

please text him and then you'll know and you can either have another date or move on

Foghead · 03/01/2020 10:36

Your instincts are telling you to wait it out a bit, even though you’re really keen to hear from him.
Just go with it for now. You’ll feel shit if you text him and he doesn’t bother to reply.

happycamper11 · 03/01/2020 10:39

You scuttled off at the tube and sent some pretty standard messages. Along with the playing it cool comment he possibly thinks you aren't interested. I'd give one more text, only one. Be direct and ask if he fancies doing it again - you've got nothing to lose if he says no or doesn't reply you can move on, you'll never see him again so no need to be embarrassed. If he's interested he'll reply.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 10:39

ive never had a date where i felt excited at the prospect of seeing someone again. obviously ive had a couple of long term relationships in the past but this was a new feeling compared with so many other dates.

it is certainly the not knowing that is making it worse. i think if hed suggested and arranged another date i wouldnt think much about it until that day.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 03/01/2020 10:40

Ffs I’m glad I’m an old gimmer and don’t go out on dates if this is what it does to you.
Text him or don’t but ffs stop fannying about.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 10:41

haha thanks LIIot5 !

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 03/01/2020 10:43

For the love of god woman just text him! A breezy, fancy getting a drink tonight? Or something similar.

I met my husband online dating, I NEARLY cancelled because I got cold feet, I am so thankful I didn’t. He’s amazing and makes my life so much better and we have a lovely babySmile

Do it! Now!! Or you’ll kick yourself.

Rockbird · 03/01/2020 10:44

I've been married since God was a boy and wouldn't date again if my life depended on it but FFS just text him. I can't abide all this game playing and coyness. If Jane Austen had a phone this is what P&P would have been like. Just get on with it! Grin