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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
letmeinthroughyourwindow · 03/01/2020 16:21

OP, you've already said that it is the norm for your dates to like you and want to see you again - that it you who feels nothing and says no.

So, quite obviously, you are attractive and dateable and the opposite of all of those negatives you fear about yourself.

This is one guy - and a dickhead at that - against a backdrop of many men who were interested in you.

All of those interested men you rejected probably felt a bit like you do now.

It's disappointing but chalk it up to experience and keep on keeping on.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 16:23

I think there is always the possibility he has been run over and he is unconscious in a hospital. He may be even be dead!!!

I think you need to change your username, your disguise has slipped Grin

user63212 · 03/01/2020 16:24

thank you for such nice messages and for going through this with me!

i feel a bit silly and clearly need to put this out of my mind now. i had been thinking about it non stop and really thought it was something different. ive never been in this position and why shouldnt i be...everyone is at some point i expect! hopefully will make it all the better if i ever do meet the right one.

not the best start to the year!

OP posts:
Glitterb · 03/01/2020 16:24

@user63212 his behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with how old you are, how pretty you are or what shoes you wore.
He is married, lied about it from the off & he was always going to ghost you. You had a lucky escape in my opinion before you developed any feelings.

Beansandcoffee · 03/01/2020 16:29

Little bit hasty there OP I think.

I separated from my ExH and went on dates and Tinder. It took me 7 years to divorce so I spent 7 years dating as a separated but not divorced person. Lots of people don’t get divorced immediately especially if there are children and assets to be sorted out.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 16:31

Little bit hasty there OP I think

Please read the thread. He told her he wasn't interested before he told her he was married.

Beansandcoffee · 03/01/2020 16:36

Bluntness I have read the thread. This is her post:-

“””RIGHT SO...text him (he doesnt have whatsapp). i just said how about a drink tomorrow eve?

he's replied saying yes but he wished he said this at the time...he's still married!! apparently separating "soon."“”

Op then says later on that he actually said he is married but is separated.

So he said yes to her invite.

Legallybleachblonde · 03/01/2020 16:37

OP, I think you need to get this into perspective a bit. It was nothing to do with YOU or your looks or your age; but everything to do with him. You could have been a Victoria Secrets model - doesn't change he's still married and shouldn't be on a dating site in the first place. You have to have pretty thick skin to handle OLD and you cant be everyone's cup of tea - and that is OK. Please don't take it too personally and see it as a blessing in disguise. Btw, I'm 49 and neither do I think my looks have gone nor do I think I'm past it 😁

P999 · 03/01/2020 16:38

Think this is actually not a bad experience for you OP! I get a bit obsessive and ruminate. Hence why i need to force myself to be distracted. You'll get something out of this mini drama and be all the wiser for it.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 16:39

yep it is defo a hurt ego. and a taste of my own medicine.

i think if i ever find someone i will have a fucking huge party to day goodbye to dating. i hate it.

OP posts:
SunnySideDownBriefly · 03/01/2020 16:39

Do you think it's possible that the texts were sent by his wife? Was the style of writing the same as his previous?

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 16:39

Eh, clearly you didn't read the thread beans and coffee because she updated past that,,,

sorry. i typed in a rush when he text back.i said how about a drink tomorrow night (sat).he said umm thanks but im not sure youre right for me.i just said ok.then i had the text saying he was living with his wife but separated

user63212 · 03/01/2020 16:39

say!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 03/01/2020 16:41

Do you think it's possible that the texts were sent by his wife? Was the style of writing the same as his previous?

What a bizarre question and assumption Confused

Lobsterquadrille2 · 03/01/2020 16:43

OP, I'm massively obsessive too. This experience, following all of your previous dates where you definitely had the "choice" of whether to see them again, reminds me of an appraisal I once had (years ago) when everything was positive apart from one comment. I was affronted! I wanted justification, exactly whose input had added that comment, thought about revenge for an unhealthily long time ....

My DD once said that I'm a 50% mix of high-ish arrogance and low-ish self esteem. I didn't like it at all, but had to accept that there was truth in it.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 16:45

i think that is me... half arrogant and half low self esteem. i think i probably said some things on the date that were arrogant. he asked how other dates had gone and i said i get bored and im never bothered. that must have sounded terrible really. i was going with the honesty route. i feel so shit about it all and im actually pretty certain hes fed me the married line to draw a clean easy break from the idea of s second date.

OP posts:
daydreambeleiver · 03/01/2020 16:47

@user63212

Please don't read too much into this. I was crying to my stbexh just a few weeks ago about how horrible dating is, how it was his fault (naturally) - old is brutal! but then it happened I met the right person, I'm making tentative plans to move there (giving it a few more weeks of course)

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 16:47

OP switched the order of 'I'm married' and 'I'm not into you' from that to the opposite and back again, it's no surprise people don't have a clue what's been said.

Beansandcoffee · 03/01/2020 16:56

Thank you Zoobincan and I agree with you. No idea what he said in the end or whether he is separated or not.

Hepsibar · 03/01/2020 17:02

Please let us know how it all goes, when you've waited a day or three!

keepingbees · 03/01/2020 17:09

My guess is his wife isn't aware they've 'separated'. He was looking for an easy shag on the side.
He kept the date going to suss you out. He realised you weren't going to be an easy shag. Went home to wife.
No reflection on you at all OP.

TigerJoy · 03/01/2020 17:14

Hey OP, I've been there. Lots of nondescript dates until I met DH and fancied him immediately. And I was late because I didn't care whether the date went well and was just "meh" about dating at that point. I was 35.

It'll happen. Just keep your expectations low, go on as many dates as you can tolerate (whether that's one a week or one a month) and just keep meeting people.

Tell funny stories about them when you're feeling strong and look after yourself when you're not. Believe me I know sometimes it is not bloody funny.

There are a lot of strange man-children out there. I can't tell you how many men I've puzzled over their behaviour until I realised it wasn't me - my looks or my age - but their weird issues. Leave them be and don't take it personally.

This bloke was a cock. Clearly some ego-defence going on with the "not sure" or complications over separation- but don't let it shake your confidence in your gut feeling. He probably was into you and freaked out/ whatever after.

Even my intensely complicated DH was very straightforward for the first few dates. If its tricky at this point it's really not worth it.

Good luck for the future and keep on kissing those frogs. I can't guarantee you'll find a prince - I sometimes wonder whether I just ended up with a rather advanced frog - but its worth a go.

cheezy · 03/01/2020 17:33

OP I bet you anything that you picked up on the fact that he wasn’t really available, and this was what made him so attractive to you. And the others who are dead keen not so attractive. It’s always the way with me anyway. Keep at it.

Foghead · 03/01/2020 18:06

My friend, who’s doing online dating, is fed up of all these ‘separated’ men.
She now asks them if their wives know they’re separated.

beanaseireann · 03/01/2020 18:16

Foghead '......She now asks them if their wives know they're separated.'
Smile

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