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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 03/01/2020 10:46

This is so funny. Honestly OP, chill out.

My first date with my h nearly didn’t happen because I genuinely forgot to respond. He sent me another message and all was good. If he’s in to you, he’ll be pleased to hear from you and won’t care about the double texting thing. If he isn’t, he’ll tell you he wasn’t feeling it and you can move on.

Texting a guy to ask him out a second time has never in the history of the universe made a guy who is mad for a woman suddenly be repulsed at her. Just do it. And chill.

madcatladyforever · 03/01/2020 10:47

Some men on dating sites leave it for ages before replying because they seem to think it will make you keener. It doesnto make me keener I ditch them right away if they start playing games. I'm too old for all that nonsense.

Musti · 03/01/2020 10:47

If he fancies you, you texting him won't put him off. If he doesn't want to meet again, then at least you'll know.

Chocmallows · 03/01/2020 10:56

You don't lose anything by texting. A simple message, e.g. "Enjoyed going to X the other day, be nice to get to know each other - an evening next week?"

bangheadhere40 · 03/01/2020 10:59

Agree - just text him! Says me waiting for a text, also.

Lllot5 · 03/01/2020 11:05

Text him and tell him you’ve been on MN and now we all want to know if he likes you or not. Smile. I’m sure he won’t be freaked out. Just text him. Good luck.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 11:07

@madcatladyforever op literally told him she doesn't like men to be too eager

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 11:27

Meh, chase him if you wish, but I might think you're a bit desperate. It's only been two days. Clearly some folks would. Personally I wouldn't I'd hold off, see if he was interested, for the simple reason he's already told you he went on plenty of second dates he didn't wish to because he was too polite to say no. How the heck would you know if you chased him if he was only saying yes because like some others he was too polite to reject you?

happycamper11 · 03/01/2020 11:46

But @Bluntness100 why waste your time waiting for a text from someone who may not be interested? Send a text, find out either way and if not move on swiftly. Far better than hanging around and hoping ime.

Dieu · 03/01/2020 11:55

The 'hope your journey was ok' text is standard post-date stuff. It's what I would send to a guy I didn't fancy, just to be polite, especially if he paid.

OP, I'm a cool cat like you, and I've never chased a man in my life. But if you like him, you should honestly text. The previous text doesn't count, as I said, because it didn't let him know that you're interested.
You've met your match in this one OP, and someone has to make a move! Be brave, and let it be you. Better to know than have 'what if' regrets ...

outtathelefteyei · 03/01/2020 11:58

@Rockbird Lizzy would have texted!!!

category12 · 03/01/2020 11:58

It's only 2 days later.

What's the bleeding rush?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 12:04

But @Bluntness100 OP said she's the same so he's probably thinking the same thing! She also says yes because she's not bold enough to say no but he told her this wasn't the case with her when she joked about coffee

otterhound · 03/01/2020 12:05

Ffs op.!

Pm me his number and I’ll text him for you!!

Its perfectly possible he has the same fear as you regarding being rejected. This idea that a man will always text/make it clear he is interested is total bollocks. I have definitely let opportunities slip due to getting the fear.

it’s new decade - if you text him now maybe by the end of it you’ll be married with a bunch of sprogs!!

user63212 · 03/01/2020 12:08

i did say i'd had a lovely time when i thanked him for lunch though. so i feel like he knows i like him, otherwise id just have said thanks?

i realise this is all rather silly and all i need to do is text. im too scared to!

OP posts:
user63212 · 03/01/2020 12:11

otter i know but i liked him so much that i am worried that i have mis judged it and thought the signs were good but actually he wasnt keen!

it has confused me as i definitely got the impression he was trying to impress me...making jokes and asking if i was ok with the venue etc. but given i like him and this is entirely new for me, i could be reading it wrong! if he text me i would definitely be more upfront and tell him i was pleased he got in touch.

i dont want to play games but feel a bit unsure.

OP posts:
user63212 · 03/01/2020 12:12

at the tube i was quite quick to disappear...he sort of leaned in to kiss me on the cheek, then i scarpered..

OP posts:
TheReluctantCountess · 03/01/2020 12:16

If you want to see him again, text him and tell him. Sounds like you've given him confusing signals, so let him know. You’ve got nothing to lose.

Musti · 03/01/2020 12:17

Text him a sort of jokey text saying that because he will go out with someone twice out of politeness, you need to go on at least 3 dates to gauge his interest.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 12:17

haha i really like that Musti

OP posts:
otterhound · 03/01/2020 12:19

I’ve been where you are, albeit years ago and someone i met in real life. I wimped out!

Just cut and paste the following and press send:
would you like to have dinner with me next week?

user63212 · 03/01/2020 12:20

ahhh i cant!! i am so confused as to why he hasnt text!

right im going to leave it until tonight and see how i feel then. maybe by then i will have gone off him!!

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 03/01/2020 12:24

Christ almighty how do people actually meet people any more with all this game playing which apparently is now a thing.

OP, you will be disappointed if you don’t text and he doesn’t because that means that you’ve made it fairly clear to him that you’re not interested in him otherwise you would have communicated with him.

You’re not teenagers ffs, if you want to see him again then text him. if you don’t text him then clearly you’re not actually that bothered about seeing him again and have no right to be upset that he hasn’t text you.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 12:25

But @Bluntness100 why waste your time waiting for a text from someone who may not be interested

Becayse even if he says yes to a second date she won't know if he's just being polite, and will be facing this again post second date. He's been very clear, he's a habit of saying yes when he's no interest. So she should wait and see if he asks her out again. If he does, he's interested. If he doesn't he's not. Her asking him out two days later is a bit desperate and he may well say yes out of politeness.

Which is the next thread, " he says he often goes on second dates on,y out of interest, I texted him, he didn't text me, is he jist being polite"

Best to wait it out. And it's only been two days!

Makesomenoiseforthevengaboys · 03/01/2020 12:26

Right @user let's look at this sensibly. 6 days ago you didn't know this man and your world was still turning. Text him or don't but have some perspective. You had a nice time, great. No need for all this!