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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 03/01/2020 13:25

I have also played it a little cool at first when I shouldn't have

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 13:26

I can't bear the wait anymore

It's not east Enders. If this is real it's an actual persons life. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 13:28

i will be gutted if he doesnt want another date

But op, he's already told you he struggles to say no to second dates when he's not interested. Why would you possibly be sure if he says yes it's not out of politeness?

The only way to know for sure is for him to ask you. Him saying he says yes when he's not interested is him clearly telling you he will ask you if he wishes to see you again.

Ruderidinghood · 03/01/2020 13:32

Don't bother sending it. Ad I have gotten older the more I realise these thing should be effortless. If he is interested he will msg for a second date. I know you like him but the reality is that you don't even really know him.

bangheadhere40 · 03/01/2020 13:32

I agree with this, for my own benefit - The only way to know for sure is for him to ask you.

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2020 13:32

@Blunteness100

You are very invested here. Did you have a bad experience with something similar? Unsure why you are so adamant the OP shouldn't text

Bibbidybobbitysplated · 03/01/2020 13:33

Nothing to lose by sending it Smile

Onalake · 03/01/2020 13:34

If you don't message him you will always be thinking "what if". What's the worst that can happen? At least you will know one way or the other and can move on, either with him or without.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 13:36

Loobyloo, I'm the one invested? Pot and kettle,,,🤣

And no, I e been with my husband for thirty years. Seriously calm down. I've explained why. He told her he struggles to say no to second dates, and goes out with women he's not intrerested in seeing again out of politeness. As such asking him for a second date doesn't tell her if he's interested or not. It's not rocket science,,

chocolateandpinkgin · 03/01/2020 13:38

Don't bother sending it. Ad I have gotten older the more I realise these thing should be effortless. If he is interested he will msg for a second date

But he could be thinking the same about her?

Just text him. I honestly couldn't be arsed with all this game playing.

Minta85 · 03/01/2020 13:39

I suggest not texting him - wait to see what he will do on his own. In my experience, men do what they want. If he wants to see you again, he will ask you for a second date.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 13:39

Don't bother sending it. Ad I have gotten older the more I realise these thing should be effortless. If he is interested he will msg for a second date

So it should only be effortless for the woman?

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2020 13:41

Loobyloo, I'm the one invested? Pot and kettle,,,🤣

Yes, you've replied to over 10 people's responses repeating things the OP has said - when im sure everyone can read

eddielizzard · 03/01/2020 13:44

Do it! Keep it light. Would you like to meet for coffee tomorrow morning? easy and light. no big deal. DO IT.

MustardScreams · 03/01/2020 13:44

For the love of god, SEND THE TEXT. My word!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 13:44

And no, I e been with my husband for thirty years.

Yep and that shows with your opinions that he should be the one making all the effort. Times change.

BlueCornsihPixie · 03/01/2020 13:51

I think you should message him

To me it looks like you've given fairly clear signals that your not interested.

If you want a second date just ask. Yes I understand what bluntness is saying but it could also be the case that she's given fairly clear signals she's not interested, and has also said she struggles to say no to a second date and he's waiting to see if she's interested.

Ask him on the second date, be more clear your interested and take it from there. He might not message again after the second but at least you will have made it clear your interested.

TokyoSushi · 03/01/2020 13:56

Just send the bloody text OP! Grin

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 13:59

Yep and that shows with your opinions that he should be the one making all the effort

Blimey when you start attacking Becayse someone disagrees with you,,,🤣

For your info, I usually say text him, simply in this instance because he said he says yes when he doesn't wish to, and goes on second dates he would rather not, I don't think she should ask for a second date.

Not sure why that's upsetting some folks so much,,,

Crunchymum · 03/01/2020 14:00

Usually I'd say not to text but you gave a lot of signals you weren't interested OP, so even if he had the most amazing date, he isn't going to message you as he doesn't think you did.

Send him a message, tell him you had a great time and would love to meet again.

Be honest.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:04

do people really think i didnt come across as interested?!

i text first and said thank you and that i had a lovely time. how does that sound like im not interested? i thought i was being pretty full on!

also he didnt try and kiss me on the lips he went for the cheek then i dashed off.

OP posts:
otterhound · 03/01/2020 14:04

Last tip from me. Buy a pack of love hearts, pull out this one, take a pic and send. Job done, no text....if he shares my humour he’ll come running like a love sick puppy!!

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?
zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:05

do people really think i didnt come across as interested?!

Yes!!

text first and said thank you and that i had a lovely time. how does that sound like im not interested? i thought i was being pretty full on!

It sounds polite after what you told him during the date about texting.

also he didnt try and kiss me on the lips he went for the cheek then i dashed off.

It's not where he was aiming for but the fact that you rushed away, definitely says 'no thanks'

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 14:05

@Bluntness100 I'm not attacking you I just think you're choosing to ignore the fact that she said the exact same thing to him and your persistence is bizarre.

I normally agree with pretty much all the advice you give to everyone. It just seems outdated in this instance.

ShirleyPhallus · 03/01/2020 14:07

@otterhound that is awful, awful advice 🤦🏼‍♀️

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