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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
gamerchick · 28/12/2019 14:14

Tell him not to come back. He's going to be a nightmare in this mood.

1plus2equalstrouble · 28/12/2019 14:15

That isn't OK op and I think you need to de ide if you want to be the one leaving him, before or after baby comes.
. Is this the first time he's ever being even slightly abusive? It can start in pregnancy, or it could be an extreme reaction to his loss. Either way, I'm not sure I'd want him to come home.

Cream5 · 28/12/2019 14:15

Wow. What a nasty piece of work he is. Does he often take his emotional stress (Grieving in this case) out on you? You arent his emotional punch bag.

He has been entirely unreasonable and i suggest you tell him to leave you if youre that much of a bad partner.

tribpot · 28/12/2019 14:16

Is this the first time he's behaved like this?

At minimum I would want him to stay away for now so you can rest. The words he has said are not ones I could forgive, grief or not. However, the main concern at the moment is to protect yourself from any additional stress that could affect the pregnancy. Is there anyone who could come and stay with you?

Lordfrontpaw · 28/12/2019 14:17

Is this the way he is normally? Or is grief doing it’s ‘weird things’?

There’s no excusing lashing out but did the death hit him hard? Maybe he thinks he can’t get through the funeral without you. Still is horrible and absolutely out of line though.

elliemcx · 28/12/2019 14:18

you poor thing. It's really not right the way he is talking to you. That's scary behaviour. Do you have family you could stay with for a couple of weeks? I wouldn't be able to deal with that. I get that he's grieving, but you are going through the mill too. I just don't understand that behaviour.

Original poster
allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:20

Yes, this is the first time he's lashed out like this. He's someone prone to anger, but it's always been proprtionate or at least based on reality. I don't recognize him and am honestly worried about his mental health right now. I don't think I can forgive him either... I'm so shocked. My sister lives nearby - that's a good idea, thanks.

OP posts:
Babynumber2dueNov · 28/12/2019 14:22

Yes, horrible and out of line but come on, his dads just died! I think people here are really forgetting what a horrendous thing grief is. When we lost a family member half our family decided his wife killed him (it was asbestosis!). Grief makes people crazy (for want of a better term) and I’ve been there. Screaming, literally screaming in a house alone through pain. Yes he’s being a horrible person right now but people always take it out on those close to them

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/12/2019 14:22

Thinking ahead... keep those messages. You might be glad of the later, to remind you of his temper and as evidence.

I doubt you will be able to forget his words, I know I couldn't.

Lordfrontpaw · 28/12/2019 14:23

Was the death out of the blue? (Still no excuse) and is he young/immature (still no excuse)?

He knows that this pregnancy is hard on you but he can’t see beyond his own grief at the loss of his father. I’d give him a very small pass on that. When he gets angry can you talk about it with him afterwards - do you have that kind or relationship?

Have you been in contact with any of the rest of his family to see how they are doing or if they need anything? Maybe his mum is complaining to him about you and he is doubling down on the emotion and lashing out at you?

londonscalling · 28/12/2019 14:23

He's not dealt with it appropriately but I do feel you should have been there.

GlamGiraffe · 28/12/2019 14:24

I really understand your worries and how bad a difficult pregnancy can be. I had an appalling pregnancy with dreadful hyperemesis which was totally uncontrolled by medication in conjunction with severe epileptic seizures throughout and had a bleed. I was housebound or hospitalised for a significant proportion if the pregnancy and ended up having a premature baby as I,was told one or both of us would likely die if a c section wasnt done immediately.
My grandmothers sister died when I was six months pregnant, they saw each other every gay of their lives until my grandmother was 97. I wouldn't have dreamt of not attending that funeral to support her, despite vomiting throughout and bring completely unwell, I do think as a once in a lifetime, life changing event for your husband you should have understood the significance and bern with him even if you sat in a corner comfortably throughout.
However, aside of all this, it is completely unreasonable for your husband to be sending these messages to you, I think you must bear in mind he is probably devastated currently and feeling a bit lonely without you. Men cant understand what it is like to feel pregnant so he wont understand your point of view.
You cant really understand how he feels. He needs a bit of time, some support and patience.im sure he doesnt mean the things hes saying it's probably grief talking. If it continues you need to reconsider the situation but a bit of time is what I would think he needs and maybe looking towards some grief counselling for him and maybe a joint session for you to calmly discuss your reasoning to him. Good luck with the baby.

NewYoiker · 28/12/2019 14:24

His dad has just died though..

Lordfrontpaw · 28/12/2019 14:25

And yes as @ Babynumber2dueNov said, grief can make sane people act like absolute loons. I remember standing in the middle of the high street bawling my eyes out and wailing. ‘I just want my daaaaaaaaad’.

Comps83 · 28/12/2019 14:26

Is he sober? Not that it’s any excuse if not but sounds like a drunken rant or like you said, possible mh issues. It’s not like you didn’t go because you had a hair appointment !

LoveNote · 28/12/2019 14:26

What was his reaction at home when you first said you aren’t up to it?

Has he spent time with relatives who have influenced him? Had too much to drink? And now it’s all coming out on a very upsetting day?

Lordfrontpaw · 28/12/2019 14:26

(Not that I’m usually the same voice of reason)

Ifixbrokenthings · 28/12/2019 14:27

My sympathies to you both on what sounds like a very difficult year.
I don't know what the right answer is here. I do however feel that your DH is (obviously) in the throes of grief at the moment having lost both a baby and his dad. If your DH is normally loving and caring and quite the opposite of this, I suspect it's the grief talking, and anger is how he's dealing with it.
Stay safe. Try to rationalise as best you can that your husband is just broken. Id like to think that your DH does realise why you couldnt be there, he's just venting at the moment.
When we lost out baby last year it was about 3 months later that it really hit my DH. He had been so concentrated on looking after me that he literally crumbled one day.

Obviously, if you feel unsafe or this exacerbates, then maybe get a sibling or parent to stay with you for a bit.

All the best with the rest of the pregnancy.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 28/12/2019 14:27

Your title is a bit misleading - if it was just the case that you were pregnant you would be very unreasonable to not attend your fil's funeral because of that - but you are on bed rest. He might be getting questions from others about where you are too. And grief is awful and can make people behave badly. But he may also be a horrible person who has hidden it up to now.

Didiusfalco · 28/12/2019 14:28

His reaction is horrible, absolutely horrible but....could you not have got a taxi to the service, sat through the service and got a taxi straight home? Missing his fathers funeral is a big deal. It really is.

FenellaMaxwell · 28/12/2019 14:28

You left him to deal with going to his dad’s funeral alone?! You may be anxious OP but it’s so not ok to leave him to go through that without supporting him and whilst what he said isn’t appropriate it’s not remotely surprising.

Lillygolightly · 28/12/2019 14:28

That’s awful. Was his father’s passing expected?

This must be an absolutely awful time for him with what you have both been through with the pregnancy, twin loss and now his father has died too.

I understand he is not reacting well and obviously he is angry and hurt and life must feel so unfair just now to him. He is angry your not there when he needs you (not your fault of course, it’s just the cards you’ve been dealt) however he is lacking the perspective and understanding to see that just now.

I’d would not react to his mean and nasty texts right now. Just say that you know that he is angry and hurting and you understand that he is angry with you, tell him you are sorry you can’t be there for him and in any other circumstances you would be, but you’ll be there for him when he gets home to love and support him as much as he needs. Stick to that and do not engage in an argument.

Hopefully he will see when he comes out the fog of grief that you would have been there if you could. He just needs to be angry right now and hopefully that will soon pass.

ScabbyBabby · 28/12/2019 14:28

The absolute best thing for you and baby would be if he did leave you. I’ve a feeling he won’t though.

He is abusive and if this is how he behaves in times of stress or when you won’t do as you’re told then this is the real him.

I hope you find the strength to go it alone. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and don’t give your baby his surname. Trust me on this one- you will have to prove you’re the mother at airports etc.

Make plans to separate. Be safe.

elliemcx · 28/12/2019 14:29

I get that he's grieving and grief makes people behave out of control, but if he was to come home and start ranting and raving or worse while the Op is pregnant, unwell and on bed rest and he hurt her or she lost the baby, would we just say 'oh well, he's grieving, grief makes people act not like themselves?' I for one would not! No way!

Timmytimetime · 28/12/2019 14:30

Terrible way to speak to you, if it's out of character then maybe the grief of losing your baby a few weeks ago and now his dad dying has tipped him over the edge.