I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

This is so tricky. Grief makes people behave completely out of character. Aside from the day his dad died, today has quite possibly been the worst day of his life, and he could have done with you to squeeze his hand and reassure him the future will be ok. You can't think that anything he says today will be what he really thinks today or for the future.

I think you need to apologise profusely you should have been there for him without a doubt. Cut him some slack he has lost his dad ffs. I can see your concerns with pregnancy BUT, his dad's funeral come on. For those saying save messages for future, man haters comes to mind.

I am sorry that you’re going trough such a difficult time. Your partner must feel awful too that you’re not being there.

But he’s an absolute dickhead to text these nasty things to his partner in a high risk pregnancy and I doubt if I ever could forgive him this if I were you.
Grief is horrible but it’s no excuse for his behavior.

I know it's a big deal that I'm not there... and in any other circumstance, I would be. The funeral was 3h train trip 45min car ride away and I was told not to do any travel after the amniocentesis, especially given my history (loss of twin + hematoma). I ended up cancelling seeing my family this Christmas due to the amnio (he spent Christmas with his family, which is absolutely right) I understand he's grieving, and I'm in so much conflict for not being there. But does that warrant the things he has said? When we spoke on Thursday, we both agreed to do what is best for the baby.

I walked into a packed church for my mother’s funeral, got to the front only to find my husband wasn’t by my side. He was standing outside smoking with my sisters. That was the last straw for me that ended my marriage. I told him one week later that it was over and never looked back.

You were wrong to not go to the funeral, you should have been there. I say that as someone who has lost 5 pregnancies.

His abuse was wrong but grief does funny things. I think the decision to forgive him is out of your hands, I don't think he will ever see you in the same way again. He may struggle to forgive you.

it’s too late to say you should have gone. I’m sorry to hear your pregnancy has been hard but your dh will probably never forget you weren’t there that day. Losing a parent is incredibly hard. I wouldn’t move out if I were you, I would accept that he’s struggling right now and needs support, if he’s a decent being he will apologise for his choice of words but I think you should apologise too.

I think you should have gone. He should not speak to you like that, but I think he is rightfully angry. His Dad has died. That's major.

Another one thinking you should have been. I know you are scared to lose the baby but he has lost his dad - and is probably still grieving over your babies.

I sympathise with you (having lost a twins myself and being so scared throughout the next pregnancy) but he needed you.

That said he shouldn't threaten you - he has probably had a breakdown. Get some space and be safe. Then talk. Apologise. Listen.

No, he's sober...

I know what my grandad would say if I risked the life of his grandchild just to go to his funeral and it's pretty unprintable.

He's lost one baby and now his dad... plus the stress about this baby... I don't know. Grief is a horrible thing and he's at the funeral without his wife by his side - I understand why, but it must be hard.

I'd personally cut him some slack today and give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Just ignore the abusive words and message tell him you're sorry you can't be there and you love him and will support him when he's home.

Obviously this behaviour can't continue and you need to nip this in the bud when he's home, but not yet, not on the day of his dad's funeral.

It’s probably just hit him. He knows on his gut it’s the best thing but the grief had made him act extremely badly and out of character (?)

Funerals suck and after losing a baby too it sounds like he just can’t handle any more.

But attacking you and stressing you out is just wrong and I would have hoped he had family around who would have talked him down. I’m sure he will calm down after the funeral - that weird period after everyone has gone is like being in a vacuum.

I wouldn't risk losing my baby to attend a funeral. As a mum you are protecting your baby's life to the best of your ability and your husband should be proud of you for being a good mum.
I'm not sure I could forgive my husband talking to me like that and I would at the very least make sure he knows he has crossed a line that you may be willing to overlook this time due to his grief but never again.

@simplekindoflife nail on the head.

OP is he coming home tonight? I would advise if so you should stay at a family or friend house tonight to allow him to cool off.

If you have already discussed this and he agreed you should stay at home, then how he is behaving is appalling.

Leave while you still can or better yet change the locks

He shouldn’t have yelled at you but he has probably spent all day explaining your absence to other people at the funeral. If it is out of character for him then don’t be too hard on him - he has just lost his Dad and a baby too. Grief does funny things to people.

@FeckaDecka seriously? This man has just lost his dad, suggesting to change the locks is ridiculous.

FeckaDecka stupid suggestion and completely inappropriate

Depends on whether you would have attended if it was your own parent or not.

Losing a parent is life changing and grief really does send you a bit mad. The funeral is surreal - whether the death was expected or not.

I think I'd send him a message that you love him (if you do) and wish you could have been there but circumstances (important circumstances!) got in the way. I suspect he'll vent more I'm afraid but I don't think his anger is really directed at you, it's how powerless he feels.

I hope your pregnancy gets easier. Make decisions about your husband when you've both rested.

Entirely justified not to go to the funeral. Bed rest, amnio and already lost one baby? to you. If he’d agreed it was ok not to come then lashed out like this then he is deeply unreasonable, grieving yes ok, but unreasonable all the same. Think your sister sounds like a good option.

Junie70 good spot! Won't waste anymore time then.

All of those saying she should have gone....what would you choose between possibly losing another baby and going? Would you really risk your babies life?