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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 15:25

oh, and Ive lost both my parents- I didnt abuse anyone or use that as an excuse.

Helmetbymidnight · 28/12/2019 15:25

There's nothing acceptable about the DH's behaviour and I'm astonished that people are defending it.

Spacebowlisback · 28/12/2019 15:26

Does he use any recreational drugs that he’s likely abstaining from due to being with his family.

Yes, he’s grieving. But it’s a certain kind of person that projects pain into their nearest and dearest in this way. And it’s usually a pattern of typical behaviour (albeit muted, normally.)

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 15:26

OP, you still haven’t said how his ‘justifiable’ anger is shown, at other times.

lalafafa · 28/12/2019 15:26

You should have been there. He hasn't acted appropriately but I can see where he’s coming from. I don’t think there’s a way back for either of you now.

diddl · 28/12/2019 15:27

How would you get to your sister's?

NewName73 · 28/12/2019 15:27

I think you should have gone to the funeral.

Your DH has overreacted, but he is suffering from grief. You really could have been more supportive.

Teensandfuture · 28/12/2019 15:28

One of my friends left his wife after she didn't support him during his father's illness and funeral. He just didn't see her in same way afterwards.

It's huge OP, you should try to salvage situation if possible. Is he staying over there tonight? I'd make arrangements to go. Better late than never. Explain his family yourself why you couldn't attend the funeral.

Alexandra80 · 28/12/2019 15:28

Don't know why people are excusing it but I wouldn't have gone either because why lose a baby as well as a parent? He'd rather you give birth to a dead baby so you can be there for principles sake? He's grieving so I'd write it off this once but I'm not sure things would ever be the same.

thewinkingprawn · 28/12/2019 15:29

Some of these posts are absolutely bonkers - his dad has just died for goodness sake and he is grieving. The OP CHOSE not to attend, doctors did not decree that she could not attend. In these circumstances (whilst absolutely understanding that you would be nervous) you really should have gone and I am not surprised he is lashing out. Grief affects people in different ways.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2019 15:29

He has no right to speak to you like that. Sorry to repeat what someone else has said but how would his life improve if you lost this baby too?

Go to your sister’s. If this is how he’s behaving over the phone I dread to think what he’ll be like in person. You owe it to yourself and your precious baby to be as safe and relaxed as possible.

Wishing you an uneventful and healthy rest of your pregnancy Flowers

LittleTinselTown · 28/12/2019 15:29

Seeing as you were medically advised not to travel longer than an hour, he's being comfortable unreasonable. Grief is no excuse for disgusting behaviour. I'd give him space and go to your sister's until he comes back to his senses.

thewinkingprawn · 28/12/2019 15:30

I also think it is a huge deal to not attend DH’s dad’s funeral and you really need to take that seriously.

expatinspain · 28/12/2019 15:31

I don't agree with anyone justifying his behaviour because of his grief. I've had more than my fair share of loss and have lost someone very close to me in a truly horrific, sudden and unexpected way (think about something that would make the news). Yes, I went off the rails and even became quite unwell for a period of time, but
never did I lash out at those closest to me. There really is no excuse for it. If I were you, I would leave for a while until your husband is in a better mind space to talk about why he reacted like that. You don't get a free pass to lash out and treat people like shit because you're going through something.

saraclara · 28/12/2019 15:31

Grief doesnt turn people into cunts

Sadly, it can. Fortunately not often, but it can. Especially two losses in a short period of time, and a horribly emotional day without the support of one's partner.

I really really hope this is a one off, and that he'll be appalled at what he said within a few days.
But in the meantime, try not to react to the posts. Particularly if you know that the rest of the family are okay with your decision.

CombyourhairNow · 28/12/2019 15:31

He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, but I agree with others, the circumstances in which he overreacted are due to grief.

If he was like this often then it would be abuse but it sounds like he’s having a very difficult time and can be forgiven for response.

He clearly is raging with you and we all lose out shit sometimes and say things that we later regret.

I don’t know if you should have gone or not. I see your point of course but I see his too...

ArtichokeAardvark · 28/12/2019 15:32

YABU not to attend the funeral. I went to DH's grandmother's funeral at 38 weeks pregnant - I could barely walk and we had my hospital bag in the car just in case but I knew he needed me there. You should have gone, even if you didn't feel up to it.

However, his reaction was seriously OTT. You should both be apologising to one another.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2019 15:33

"He's someone prone to anger, but it's always been proprtionate or at least based on reality."
What do you mean by 'prone to anger', @allisonjade? You've witnessed him in anger at the very least. And not always proportionate, from your 'at least'.

"He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there."
Wow. This is not anger, this is not grief, this is sheer unadulterated SPITE. There's a whole load of unknown back-story in there. 'Honouring' his surname? Your mother? I presume "them" is your parents? You, trying to protect HIS remaining child?

It looks to me like Mr. Prone-to-anger has taken the gloves off. Grief might have loosened his tongue, grief can make you think 'what's the point of hiding something when we all die in the end'. But those words have not come from grief, they have always been there - the only difference now is that he's stopped hiding them from you. He is telling you who he is, and I think you should believe him. He is not the person you thought he was, not you who he is accusing.

I really think you should be reassessing him, and your marriage to him. I'm so sorry.

IdiotInDisguise · 28/12/2019 15:33

I’m with teensandfuture on this. I suspect your other half is not from Britain, were missing funerals is not as bad as in other cultures can be.

Being a member of one of those cultures... I would understand if you were in strict bed rest, but you aren’t. So I just hope you at least tried to support him constantly on the phone otherwise you may have damaged that relationship for ever.

Bluebutterfly90 · 28/12/2019 15:33

The way he's behaved is awful. Don't accept it!
You have to do whatever makes you feel safer when you have a high risk pregnancy, and he should understand that.
Grief can make people act strangely, but it doesn't excuse the abuse he's sent you.

We had a close call in my family during my (also high risk) pregnancy, and while my family member did pull through, there was no question that if they had not I would not have been able to attend the funeral.
You can offer support without physically being there, and your husband has no excuse for the way he behaved.
Unless he does some serious apologising, you two have a difficult time ahead.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2019 15:34

OP says she chose to stay at home, not that she was medically advised to stay home

She says she made that choice based on medical advice not to travel due to risk to the pregnancy, having already lost one child, and even has a medical certificate stating travel restrictions.

Severe HG in pregnancy may result in time off work, hospital trips etc but doesn't generally pose a risk to the pregnancy itself so long as the mother's fluid level can be maintained. Its an entirely different situation from the OP history.

I've lost people too, and like other PPs had the experience of some close relatives being unable to attend. I've never felt the need to abuse them for it.

NameChangeNugget · 28/12/2019 15:35

You should have gone

Valanice1989 · 28/12/2019 15:35

Sorry you're having a rough time, OP. I know this is off-topic, but what are the risks of travelling by train at five months pregnant? I know plane travel is not allowed in late pregnancy, but I didn't know the same applied to train travel.

Shesalittlemadam · 28/12/2019 15:36

@NameChangeNugget How dare you? It's not your place to tell her she should've gone! She came on here for advice on how to handle this situation going forward. She's not in court ffs!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 15:36

THE FUNERAL WAS 3 1/2 HOURS AWAY! THE OP HAS SAID,

have a certificate from my doctor telling me to avoid plane travel and train travel longer than an hour

She has already lost a twin. Can you imagine the abuse he’d inflict on her, if she lost the second twin?

NO! Losing someone you love does not give you the right to behave like a cunt. If you do so, then that’s on you, not the person you rant at.