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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 28/12/2019 14:46

Let’s be very blunt about this....

He’s just lost his dad. Is he going to feel better if you go and he loses his child too?

As awful as he must be feeling now, if you’ve been told not to travel then you can’t travel. And 3 hours on a train + 45 minutes in a car is a significant amount of travel. You can’t risk it.

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2019 14:46

But OP it’s not just you who has lost the baby. He has too. And now he’s lost his dad as well and you are expecting him to bear that loss on his own and to take account that you are grieving the baby which he has also lost.

Also, how long are you advised to not travel after amnio? Almost a week? Because that seems excessive although I realise that amnio does come with risk.

I think perhaps that his reaction has been excessive but I think that I would forgive someone’s reaction out of grief over forgiving someone for not wanting to support their partner at a parent’s funeral.

Namestranger · 28/12/2019 14:46

grief really does send you a bit mad

This. I am thoroughly ashamed of some of the things I said to DP when DM died Crown Blush

GrannyBags · 28/12/2019 14:47

@Junie70
I thought that but maybe a religion (Jewish?) that requires a quick burial?

RamonaFlower · 28/12/2019 14:47

@Junie70 well spotted... a friend of mine's mother died around this time last year and it was 3 weeks til the funeral.

Ninkanink · 28/12/2019 14:47

He’s grieving, so it’s just about understandable. It really can make people go a bit mad for a while.

However.

He needs to be hugely apologetic. He needs to acknowledge that he went way too far, that he was nasty and abusive and horrible towards you. You will not be able to forget those words and the nasty way he turned on you. His grief is no excuse.

You were absolutely right to stay at home, and he should have been able to understand that.

jayho · 28/12/2019 14:47

Junie70 unless they're Muslim or Irish Catholic? Don't rush to judgement

Original poster
allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:48

Yes the funeral is today, I live in France.

OP posts:
Buxx · 28/12/2019 14:49

I've had an amino and medical advice is bed rest for 24 hours. This is a week later and a journey in a car. So yes if this is real then absolutely I would have gone. Sitting in a car is no different than sitting at home and no greater risk than being at home. Some things are that important.

NicLondon1 · 28/12/2019 14:49

Please don't take it to heart - he is in a raging state of grief and despair.
Perhaps write him a long note or email to re-iterate that it was the Doctor's not to travel, and also how much his Dad meant to you. If you didn't contribute towards the funeral, perhaps now you can send heartfelt notes to people in his family who would appreciate it.
I'm sure he will calm down and understand eventually. You did the right thing, try to relax.

GrapefruitGin · 28/12/2019 14:49

Assuming the speed of the funeral is based on religious beliefs. My catholic Irish great aunts funeral was within a week of her dying.

Lordfrontpaw · 28/12/2019 14:50

I assumed it was last Friday (as in over a week ago rather than yesterday).

Branleuse · 28/12/2019 14:50

I think you not being there for him when he needed you most has clearly hit him hard.
What he said was horrible, but i dont think you should have just decided to stay home. That is very symbolic clearly.
I dont think hes being reasonable, but doesnt really matter now as hes been pretty clear that this was a dealbreaker fir him

Buxx · 28/12/2019 14:50

Plus train

eggandonion · 28/12/2019 14:50

My relationship died on a Friday, and was buried eight days later on a Saturday, there was a post mortem as it was a sudden death. If the fil died in hospital, I can't see a reason why the time line is a problem.
When my fil died one son had to attend alone, as his kids had school exams, a level and gave equivalent. Sometimes people can't go to funerals.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 28/12/2019 14:50

Understand you are suffering with your pregnancy. But so is he - goodness he’s lost his father so you’re going to have to cut him
a break. Your difficulties with your pregnancy are also difficult for him too - not just you (sorry)

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 28/12/2019 14:50

The ambit happened on Monday a few days after he lost his dad? Was the amino to check on the hematoma? It all seems very unfortunate timing. He will be so sad that his dad won't get to see his baby as well.
But remember there are many many days for him to grieve, you may not have been there for him today but others were - in the months to come you can be there when they are not.

Original poster
allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:51

Catholic funeral...

OP posts:
mumwon · 28/12/2019 14:51

Hmm .. I can think of several scenarios … his grief stricken dm or ds said something - like "that's no excuse - she should be here - it wouldn't stop me - she just making excuses -well if she thinks I want anything to do with her - what kind of wife is she?" etc etc etc & combine that with drink & perhaps auntie or uncle getting the knife out as well - funerals & death can bring the bitchiest comments out, Take a deep breathe op - also is it possible someone used his phone to make their own comments etc some helpful relative? This kind of thing does happen! Go to bed tonight & see how he behaviours in the morning - than you will know what to do (if he has a hang over don't start a discussion its just not productive) -by the by I think its a really nasty &unfair comment

darthbreakz · 28/12/2019 14:51

Yeah - no! Give that child your name and fuck him off out of your immediate life. Give him the chance to be a father, but keep an eye on it.

Original poster
allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:51

The amnio was to check for a problem seen in an ultrasound which put us in a bit of a state last week Wednesday, then Saturday, his father passed...

OP posts:
CFlemingSmith · 28/12/2019 14:52

I don’t think he has reacted perfectly but seriously, his dad has just died! Controversially, I do think YABU not to go. I had a horrendous first pregnancy but I still would’ve dragged myself from my hospital bed to attend my father in laws funeral.

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2019 14:52

OP has clearly stated that she and her h had differing Christmas plans. So not different religions.

A friend died two weeks ago and his funeral isn’t until the 3rd of January.

But who knows. ”twin” pregnancies are so very stressful.....

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 14:53

He's someone prone to anger, but it's always been proprtionate or at least based on reality.

This jumped out at me. Is it ‘proportionate’ or are you making excuses? What is your definition of showing anger, OP? I know people are saying ‘but his dad died’, but REALLY? Being bereaved gives you permission to behave like an absolute cunt towards someone else who is already vulnerable? I’m sorry, but I had to put up with horrendous behaviour from relatives while nursing and burying my dear husband, but I didn’t fucking yell and scream at the offenders or send abusive messages, because I’m not an asshole.

I’d take him at his word and not put his name on the baby’s birth certificate, OP. I’d also seriously look out for further signs of him using his distress, stress, a bad day in order to behave aggressively towards you. Just be careful this isn’t the start of controlling behaviour that often starts when a woman is pregnant.

Besidesthepoint · 28/12/2019 14:54

*So your FIL died last Friday, and today is the funeral?

On a Saturday?

And at Christmas.

It took us that long to get the death certificate from the hospital when my FIL passed away.....................*

In my country that would be too late. By law you have to bury or cremate someone within 6 days.