I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

Grief doesnt turn people into cunts

I also think it depends on how strictly you have been advised to bed rest. It is unusual nowadays to be advised to be on bed rest with no activity as there is little evidence to show it actually makes a difference in the majority of cases.

Go to your sisters house....grief is not an excuse for abuse and his verbal onslaught is totally uncalled for.

OP, given your medical history, you definitely did the right thing not travelling 3 hours on public transport (especially as you’re inFrance and SNCF staff are on strike so no guarantee of train journeys going to plan) at Christmas, then a 45 minute car journey, attending a funeral and then repeating the journey to get home.
Stay with your sister for a bit, or see if she can stay with you, if you can, to give you and DH some space. The way he has behaved was not ok, grief or not. He presumably had other family members around who could support and comfort him/each other.

Was the baby at risk if you didn't have bed rest? If not, I'd have gone as well.

He is behaving like a complete arsehole.

I've never behaved like that when I've lost family members and other people/my DH/others couldn't come to the funeral. Wtf? Who does that?

I would expect proper profound apologies.

FFS if you haven't read the guidelines then don't bloody post, Junie70 and Buxx, don't be a stupid sheep.

OP what did your doctor say when you asked him about this? It sounds like your DH wasn't on board with you staying home.

When a parent dies its a very difficult to deal with the lead up to the funeral is very emotionally stressfull as you can be quite scared as to how you will react. I am guessing his father was young and he is now about to become a father his self lots of complicated emotions going on there

londonscalling

Really? YOU think she should have been there? You think that a pregnant woman on medical bed rest who has suffered a miscarriage and has just had an amniocentesis which increases the risk of miscarriage should have been there?

Wow, just wow.

Yes, the strikes worried me too. He does have his family around to support him and I get on well with all of them. Spoke to them on the phone yesterday, and they all understood why I wasn't coming, given the journey this pregnancy has been. True, I'm not on strict bed rest, but I have a certificate from my doctor telling me to avoid plane travel and train travel longer than an hour... True, I could have risked the pregnancy and gone. I almost did. But I'm not sure I could have forgiven myself if something would have happened (I've been to the emergency room twice since the first twin died, for bleeding episodes).

Think he's just flipped out due to grief.
If you'd agreed to do what's best for the baby and for you not to go beforehand then that's the only explanation.

Can you talk to one of his family members and check if he is ok or not?

Amniocentesis generally requires 24 hour bedrest, OP had hers prior to fil dying. A week and a half. She hasn't clarified what her doctor has said.

I'd tell him not to come back, seems like you chose an abusive wanker for your child's father. Poor kid.

Bed rest means bed rest, not working from home, perhaps he feels you are well enough to do other stuff but not support him.
I'd have been lost without dh by my side at both of my parents funerals and him likewise when his Dad died, no need for his behaviour, but I agree with him tbh.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there

Just shocking, shocking behaviour. I'm staggered that people are supporting this.

When my DF died and was buried, DH was abroad with the kids. Why the fuck would I abuse those I love who couldn't be there? It's absolutely beyond me.

What an awful set of circumstances. Hard to see how you could have done anything differently. Your dp is hurting and lashing out at you. Something very similar happened to me when I was pregnant. My ex had a death in his family, he told me not to talk about it and carry on as normal. He didn't want baby stressed. So I did what he said. I had that flung back in my face so often. I would protest that I did what he wanted. Apparently I should have KNOWN he didn't mean it. So sadly, bitter experience tells me this is not going away and you will hear about this again.

I've had an amino and medical advice is bed rest for 24 hours. This is a week later and a journey in a car. So yes if this is real then absolutely I would have gone. Sitting in a car is no different than sitting at home and no greater risk than being at home. Some things are that important.

That was my experience of amnio too.

For those banging on about the timeline, in France, you have 7 days from date of death to be cremated or buried. It's the law (unless the body is held for a specific reason such as suicide, unexplained death etc for legal post mortem which is not so much the norm)

I think he is jealous of your unborn child. He could have texted you nicely saying how much he misses you and needs you without abusing you. I experienced shock and rage when my DM died very suddenly, but never expressed it in such an abusive way.

I think you should have made every effort to go to the funeral, and I am sure if it was at all possible then you would have been there.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable - how is his behaviour generally around other things?

Ffs all those saying op should have went to the funeral! She has already lost one of her babies, she is on bed rest, she has been told not to travel! Op didn’t see her family at Christmas and her dh spent it with his family, which she was happy with!

Does anyone really think she should risk her baby’s life (and possibly her own) to attend a funeral?? Do you really think she should have travelled nearly 4 hours when told not to??

My mother always said “you can’t help the dead, it’s the living that matter.” The op and her unborn baby are far more important than going to a funeral, no matter who’s funeral it is!

I agree with many of the posts, while I don’t condone his behaviour, loss of a parent especially if it was sudden, can cause the balance of mind to be disturbed. If it was very out of character to direct it at you, then I would advise against a hasty decision. It could take a couple of weeks before you see much change in him. Best Wishes

OP says she chose to stay at home, not that she was medically advised to stay home. I understand why OP is overly cautious but I also think it's understandable that her DH is very upset. It's likely other female relatives have told him they would have attended and he's questioning whether OP needed to stay away or not.
One of my pregnancies was awful, tests for diabetes, signed off sick from work, etc. DH lost two close relatives in an accident and I attended the funerals. I was worried about the baby. I felt ill the entire way through but I couldn't have let DH go on his own.
I think both of you acted badly and selfishly, OP. Have a chat with your DSIS. She knows both of you in RL. She's better placed than MNers to know if your DH is abusive or just very disappointed and upset that he feels you haven't supported him at this time.

Yes, its doomed. He is an abusive piece of crap and you'd be better getting out of this relationship entirely.

Hi folks - can we lay off the troll hunting please? Thanks.