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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
ChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2019 09:52

If you’re a UK citizen returning permanently, care is free from day 1. The “six month” thing is that you have to be in the country for more than six months of the year to count as resident, to avoid the situation where people pop over three times a year to pick up their repeat prescriptions but actually live in the US or something.

beanaseireann · 30/12/2019 10:06

allisonjade
Please contact your sister asap. His own mother is worried for your safety. You want this baby so much. Bring you and baby to a place of safety - UK.
In another thread written just a day before you started this thread you said how your mother didn't get on with your husband.
She had been married to a narcissist ( your Dad).
Your mother doesn't like your husband at all. She saw earlier what you are seeing now in him.
I'm sure she will want to help you and her granchild get to safety.
Please get help from your family

Winesalot · 30/12/2019 10:37

I have just read your other thread too. It does go someway to explaining his reaction (particularly to excluding your mother). I am sure though that your mum may have some good advice on how to make the best choice for yourself and your baby.

This has escalated horribly and you could not have foreseen just how bad it has become. I think that you also must now truly reconcile to the fact that your husband potentially will not be able to truly cope with the realities of having a child.

If you think that he is a narcissist, and your mother has had plenty of experience with her ex to help understand this as you are unsure he will accept outside help maybe even being diagnosed. I think you need to really take into consideration that you will never be confident that he will not abuse you or your child again. And that your child will be vulnerable, particularly if they don’t fit in with his ideal of what his child should be.

Good luck OP.

Catmaiden · 30/12/2019 14:29

The thread about @allisonjade husband and mother not getting on was actually started a year ago. Sadly, it looks like her Mum, who had been married to a Narc, has spotted the signs in @allisonjade "D" H, hence why they don't get on.

beanaseireann · 30/12/2019 15:10

Oops Blush it was last Christmas that your dm and husband fell out.
She saw the signs and he knew it.
I hope she is in a position to get you back home to UK.

bd67th · 30/12/2019 15:26

Isolation from loved ones is part of how abusers abuse, especially if that loved one (your DM) sees through the abuser's mask.

mathanxiety Yes, I read a lot last night and discovered the truth of what you have said, that the Hague Convention (rightly, because pregnant women have a right to travel on the same terms as the rest of us) doesn't stop a pregnant woman repatriating herself to give birth. I found www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/ when I was searching, OP you might find the section on international divorces helpful.

Under English law, your husband has parental responsibility whether you put him on the birth cert or not because he is married to you. Consult an English family law specialist.

For the child to be a French national, Wikipedia says "when the child is born abroad from a French parent, it is essential for the French parent to record the birth of the child in the French civil register". I would get a French family law specialist to check that, because wikipedia isn't renowned for accuracy.

Are you yourself naturalised French by virtue of your marriage?

Jux · 30/12/2019 16:28

Are you in contact with your mum, or have you become estranged? She is the person you need to talk to most, imo. She knows what it's like to be married to an abuser, she knows what it's like to be pg, she knows what it's like to be a first-time mum. It seems to me that coming to the UK, as soon as the doctors say it's safe for you, is the best option. Worth serious consideration at least.

If the baby is born in the UK a lot of possible problems will disappear too.

I can quite see that your dh, losing the attention through your being pg, osing a child, and continuing with problems in the pg, has become irrationally jealous, so he finds it easy to reject you and your child. He is finding that his version of reality is being challenged at every turn. You and your babies are not satellites to his vision of Family Man.

Perhaps he went to the funeral expecting to be the centre of attention there - Grieving but Coping So Well Son - and then found that actually his mum, as the Widow, was the centre of people's concern (hence his behaviour towards her). He didn't get that 'Look at him supporting his mum so well' vibe.

Therefore, I think that when he gets back, even if his family think he has calmed down and is 'safe', that he will be blaming you for everything. You will still be pg. Your pg will still be high risk. If you are still on bed rest then he will be looking after you and in his world you should looking after him.

So please just go to your mum or your sister. But you'd be better coming to UK if you possibly can.

I am so sorry you're stuck in the middle of all this horrorshow, at a time which many expect to be the happiest and most hopeful of their lives.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2019 17:12

Bd67th
What you have googled regarding French law is correct. Married couples have a livret de famille and the French parent registers the birth in this. I know this as dd was born in the U.K. and DH had to register the birth.

StrangeLookingParasite · 30/12/2019 18:10

allisonjade, if you're Paris région (or IDF), and you would like someone else to talk to, you can PM me.

NotStayingIn · 31/12/2019 11:42

Hope you are OK OP, wishing you the best for the new year.

If possible get some proper legal advice early in the new year. I think you need to find out what you need to do in order to ensure you can protect you and your future child's rights as much as possible. Whatever happens next I think you need to be prepared that in the future things could escalate again. So get as much info and advice as possible so you know where you stand financially/legally and aren't caught out later on. Flowers

Brenna24 · 01/01/2020 23:11

How are you doing today?

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 06/01/2020 00:01

If you come back over to the uk as you are married you can still get an appointment yourself with the french consulate to register her birth (you have up to 2 years from birth) you would need to do this also if you stay in france the other way around and register baby at the british consulate.
If you stay in the uk and have dual nationality child at 18 gets a letter sent asking if they wish to keep or rescind french nationality and they can choose. Hope you are feeling a bit more upbeat op, and your sister is looking after you.

StrangeLookingParasite · 06/01/2020 00:07

If you stay in the uk and have dual nationality child at 18 gets a letter sent asking if they wish to keep or rescind french nationality and they can choose.

I don't think this is right - surely they would just have dual nationality?

bd67th · 06/01/2020 03:44

I don't think this is right - surely they would just have dual nationality?

No, it's correct, the French are bloody weird.

StrangeLookingParasite · 07/01/2020 00:35

Ii know an awful lot of dual French/something else people, and I've never heard of this happening. France definitely allows dual (and more) nationalities.

Spain doesn't. I don't think Germany does, either.

bd67th · 07/01/2020 00:49

You can have dual, but at 18 you have to choose to keep or rescind your French nationality.

Amaretto · 07/01/2020 08:01

No you can have dual nationality with france. I know because me and my dcs are dual citizens French-British

Amaretto · 07/01/2020 08:04

The difference between having a baby in the uk or in France is that a child born in the U.K. will have full BRITISH citizenship whereas if they are born in France, they will not be able to pas down their BRITISH citizenship to their own children.
There isn’t such a rule with France.

Amaretto · 07/01/2020 08:05

@Mummyoflittledragon, yes it was an eu reciprocation.
In the same way that I could have gone back to France to give birth the my dcs.

I imagine this will still be in place until the end of 2020 though.

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/01/2020 12:34

Funny al those condemning your DH use much worse language about him than he does about you. I am sure they would also have an excuse about this too.
You have lost one of your DC and you must know how emotional and irrational that can be. He has now lost the same plus he DF too, and by the sounds of it is receiving absolutely no support from you.
With all the pressures and stresses he is under I am not surprised he is lashing out.

Ninkanink · 08/01/2020 12:57

It’s not about the language used (although that is part of it, of course).

There is also a big difference between using language directly to a person you are supposed to love and care about, and merely using language to describe someone.

Booboostwo · 08/01/2020 14:22

Not as funny as not reading the fucking thread though surely Cheeseandwin5?

richteasandcheese · 08/01/2020 14:24

Op, I've been thinking of you, hope you are ok

memberofseven · 08/01/2020 14:33

Gosh op. I know you are having a tough time, but I'm shocked you didn't attend your fil's funeral. I would have delayed the amino in your shoes. I think you need to give your husband a bit of a break if he is not normally an unreasonable arse. I'm also pregnant and feel rough as and I would have gone. Clearly his behaviour is awful but I suspect he feels a bit stranded and all and sundry are probably asking him where you are. My mum died in September and I needed my husband there.

memberofseven · 08/01/2020 14:40

Shit sorry should have read the thread