I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

If you can't travel, you can't travel.

So it was prior to his father passing? Did a doctor tell you you couldn't go?

I have lost a parent and it is a highly stressful time, when emotions are running high and things can be said and later regretted.

But this level of vitriol towards you in a high risk pregnancy with his child is way way beyond acceptable in the circumstances. It is both unforgettable and unforgivable.

OP was on bed rest pre amnio for those picking at her for not being ready to travel after 24 hours

He is out of order for talking to you like that but I feel you should have made the effort to go to the funeral.

OP, it sounds like a difficult time. Maybe you both need to calm down a bit and then talk.

Pretty poor taste to be troll hunting on a thread like this. Why don’t you report if you think it’s not adding up.

As others have said, funeral customs vary hugely from country to country, and also within particular cultures and religions.

I think you’re being ridiculous not attending a funeral, it’s hardly much effort to just be there for your grieving husband. He’s lost his dad, the poor soul! I’d be furious too!

I don't lash out at loved ones when I'm grieving. OP has a very good reason for staying at home. It's not as if she can't be bothered
He needs to learn some self control. My grandfather fought in both world wars and was scarred by his experiences but neither my mother nor I ever saw him behave like that.

FWIW OP I’m currently 27 weeks into a difficult pregnancy. 5 months off work, bed rest, awful HG, several hospital stays, bleeding...etc.

There no way I would have missed the funeral of one of DH’s parents. I understand why you have chosen to and don’t judge that but all those saying ‘he’s awful and abusive’ 🙄 he just lost his dad.
OP has chosen to put herself/DC first (quite entitled to do so given circumstances).
DH has taken it awfully and lashed out (quite entitled to do so given circumstances).

There are very few circumstances under which I would accept DH talking to me in that way but this is one of them 👍🏻

I really think you should have gone - grief is unpredictable and erratic. He's just lost his father, he's lost a child as well and now probably feels he's lost the wife he thought he could rely on to support him.

Whilst I appreciate your worries regarding your baby, he too will have been affected by losing one twin, worried about losing the other, and to add to it has suddenly lost his father. If this outburst is not usual for him, then I suggest that he's really not coping and needed you there with him today. I know when my DF died, I was so unreasonable at times but really was so overcome with grief that I couldn't help it at all.
I suggest when he comes home you leave him be so that he can calm down, maybe go to your sisters for a while, and then take the time to really listen to what he's saying. I'd also suggest trying to get him to go to his GP for some help.
Please don't take his actions personally. Remember, grief can do terrible things to our minds.

It is irrelevant at this point that OP didn't go to the funeral. She and her DH agreed to do what was best for the remaining baby, and that meant not going. End of.

What he has done is beyond the pale, abusive and I couldn't forget or forgive any of it.

I would save the messages, copy them so you have them safely somewhere, tell him not to come back as he is no longer welcome there, and get legal advice for a legal split as soon as possible.

I'm so sorry, OP. But tha tis vile behaviour from someone who is supposed to be looking out for you and his baby. He's shown you some very ugly true colours.

I'd have been devastated if my then DH hadn't come to my dad's funeral with me. I really needed the support and I would not have coped well without him.

He sounds awful, but if its the first time hes behaved like this, its more understandable..I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a parent, but will have to deal with it eventually.

Its utterly ridiculous though to exoect you to go when you are on bedrest and overdoing it could potentially halm the baby..but again, grief does strange things to people sometimes. I would probably let this go tbh, but if it ever happened again, would be looking at leaving, as noone deserves being treat like that.

Yes, horrible and out of line but come on, his dads just died.

My dad died. So did my mother. My DH's dad died, and certain people in his family behaved so disgustingly at his funeral that DH (to my intense relief) decided not to go to the wake afterwards. Death and funerals often cause stress and strife in families, and can show people's behaviour up in the worst possible light.

At no stage did either of us, ever, lash out in grief or abuse each other.

This is not okay. Far, far from it, and I'd caution you OP not to allow other wellmeaning PPs to convince you this is normal, expected, or excusable. It isn't.

Don't make any sudden decisions if you don't feel up to it. Prioritize your health and that of your baby (I too lost a twin in early pregnancy; you spend the remainder of that 40 weeks in abject fear. And BTW, my sympathies and condolences on your own very sad loss).

Take some time out. Make space for yourself and surround yourself with a peaceful environment (either by asking him not to come home for a while or staying with family yourself). Don't make any sudden decisions if you don't feel up to that. A cooling-off period and some reflection might be most helpful right now.

for you.

And for those harping on about how OP 'should have gone', fuck off. That ship sailed, with his agreement and supposed understanding based on the history here and medical advice.

I buried my father two days after i discovered I was pregnant with a much wanted grandchild, would have been his first. I wasn't vile and nasty to everyone on account of my grief, and it wasn't an easy week due to some not so nice extended family members. My father would have been ashamed of me if i had been,

there's no excuse for those words or texts.

I’m sorry to hear what a difficult pregnancy you’re having but I cannot imagine not attending my Dh’s father’s funeral. Couldn’t you have arranged to get driven there, dropped at the door and driven home again?

Put it this way, if OP had gone and as a result of ignoring doctor’s advice, lost her baby, half of the ones excusing his nasty fucking behaviour, would no doubt be blaming OP for putting her child at risk. The living are more important than the dead, and in this case there is a woman going through a very risky pregnancy. This outweighs his right to be an asshole.

Allisonjean I'm sorry you've had to explain your circumstances.

It's a desperate circumstance, I am so sorry for your loss, both yours and his. One of the stages of grief is anger and I'd be inclined at this point to cut him a little slack, while not at all accepting his accusations. I'd expect a sincere apology when he gets home. He's lost a child and a parent in short order so is probably in a state approaching shock. I'm not seeking to excuse him at all but this added to the possibility of losing your other child has probably pushed him over the edge.

If he is normally a good man, you both should be able to resolve this. However, agree that what has been said cannot be unsaid.

Assuming the speed of the funeral is based on religious beliefs.

Or the fact that OP is in a different country where things are arranged sooner.

When my mum died late at night I had the death certificate the next morning, that day we called everyone, booked the funeral slot for a few days later, had the cards printed, adresses written down and sent, vicar came to speak with us what we wanted for the funeral, coffin bought and put mum in, arranged lunch for 60 people in a restaurant,flowers ordered, death notice advert (or whatever you call it in english) sent to newspapers, suits sent to dry cleaning and we had written the speach for my dad. We did all that between 10 AM and 14 PM. Arranging a funeral doesn't have to take a long time. Granted, we've done a few before.

What crap people do talk on here. She's on bed rest. How is losing this baby going to help the situation. No douBT that would be fault also. She can't win can she.

I missed my own father's death and funeral when pregnant. It was a high- risk twin pregnancy after four miscarriages and years of previous infertility. I was 20 weeks pregnant when he died. My consultant asked me how it would help my family if I miscarried my two precious babies on a long haul flight or after I got there. He basically forbad me to fly (by strongly advising against it).

I felt dreadful about it but did my mother or sister scream abuse at me? No. That would have been cruel and weird. And he was my flesh and blood, not an in-law.

You are on bed rest to save this pregnancy FFS! You are following medical advice. How would it have helped your husband and his family if you miscarried on the train or at the funeral? Are three deaths really better than the two he has already faced?

He may well not be thinking straight but there is no excuse for the way he spoke to you and things he said. You had both agreed how you were going to safeguard you baby. You were not in a position where it was wise or possible to be there to support him in person but I'm sure you were supportive in all other ways.

You have done nothing wrong here. He is the one who owes you a thousand apologies. And your mother - what on earth has it got to do with her? Does he imagine she prevented you from going or what?

I think not being there when he comes home is your best course of action. Who knows what he is capable of doing when he gets back in his unhinged state? You certainly don't need the stress.

Do please get away to a calm safe place where you will be spoken to kindly and be supported. Do please call your midwife and/or GP and be honest about what has happened, and ask their reassurance that you acted correctly in putting the life of your child first.

Don't consider going back to him unless and until he has recanted what he said, apologised thoroughly and shown you that he hates the words he uttered.

I'm so sorry you have had this vile experience at such a time. He is in the wrong. Good, loving people just don't behave like this, even when grieving.

I think the grief is getting to him and he’s flipped out at you. I would have gone too to be honest.

Give him time to calm down. See if he is remorseful. He might still hold those views but it’s not ok to call too names