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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
helpamummaout · 24/12/2019 15:09

No one can tell you why he's like this, he sounds like an utter prick. Just move on, you'll meet someone and realise how horrible he truly is. X

Dawn99 · 24/12/2019 15:10

If talking to him hasn't helped then that says it all. He doesn't want to change so he won't. If this isn't something you want to put up with then you ought to end it. With as little drama as possible.

AlwaysCheddar · 24/12/2019 15:11

Dump him! He’s vile! Why would you let someone treat you so badly? Move on.

MrsGrindah · 24/12/2019 15:12

Yes I know why he’s like this..it’s because he’s a total bastard.

Haffiana · 24/12/2019 15:17

Why do you put up with it? Seriously, why are you with him?

Magpies2forJoy · 24/12/2019 15:19

You have to stop asking yourself why he does x, why he says y, why he behaves coldly, why he rejects you.

Focus on the real question. Why do you accept this? Why don't you move on? Are you afraid? What of?

Bouledeneige · 24/12/2019 15:19

He's horrible and disrespectful. End it. For your own sanity. I cant for the life of me understand why you have been putting up with this.

midep · 24/12/2019 15:20

Why would you let him treat you with such utter contempt OP?

Just why?

midep · 24/12/2019 15:22

I'm expecting you to say you have low self esteem OP.

It won't get any higher if you put up with this rubbish.

Thingsdogetbetter · 24/12/2019 15:23

There is NOTHING you can do to change it. There is NOTHING you can do to please him - he doesn't want to be pleased. He WANTS to belittle, humiliate and abuse you.

He doesn't seem to like you, let alone love you. You are a convenience of a gf at best. He treats you like shite, he allows (and encourages) his friends to treat you like shite. You allow him to treat you like shite and come back and beg for more. Why? Why do you want to be so unhappy? Why do you think he'd want to change? Why do you think being treated like this has anything to do with love or a decent relationship?

I'd say the only reason he doesn't want to split is because he enjoys treating you like shite and can't stand that YOU would find the balls to dump HIM. It's not because he loves you, but because he wants to dominate you and would be embarrassed to admit to his friends that the woman he has wrapped around his little finger had the cheek to wake up to what a bloody awful man he is.

Take responsibility for you own happiness. Get your head out of the sand. Dump!

Bananalanacake · 24/12/2019 15:24

sounds like you don't live together. that's good. just stop contacting him and do everything at the pace you want.

DrMorbius · 24/12/2019 15:25

I've been on here a few years now and I am constantly horrified by the lack of self worth of some people.

Op he is a twat, bin him, move on, don't look back (he's not worth it) be happy.

holly40 · 24/12/2019 15:28

Oh for goodness sake don't put yourself through this bs. He sounds like a crap bf. Find someone who makes you happy, who respects you.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 24/12/2019 15:29

LTB

Luckingfovely · 24/12/2019 15:29

Another one of these that is hardly believable. Clearly he is treating you like utter crap, clearly you are very unhappy with him, clearly you need to end it right now.

It can't be that difficult to understand? Read what you wrote back to yourself and imagine it was your sister / best friend. Just stop throwing your life away on a total shitfest and move on.

madcatladyforever · 24/12/2019 15:33

Why on earth are you going out with him? I can't understand it.
I'd have dumped him ages ago.

DickAmbush · 24/12/2019 15:38

Fuck me dead, are you with my ex? I already had appalling self esteem when I met him, it was nonexistent when we split 4 years later. Took YEARS to find my worth.

Dump and don't look back. Please.

JustASmallTownCurl · 24/12/2019 15:40

He's a cunt.

You can't change that.

You could spend the rest of your life trying and it wouldn't work.

Be honest with yourself - if you had a daughter and they were in this relationship what would you tell them to do?

He doesn't even like you, let alone love you.

Don't you want more out of life than this?

Greenkit · 24/12/2019 15:45

Ffs he is a complete wanker, get rid
You deserve so much more

Elieza · 24/12/2019 15:56

Sorry OP but I think he is sleeping with his so called female “friend”.

He’s not really in to you at all.

What does he bring to your relationship, seems to me nothing. He is using you and you can do better than him OP. There are nice guys out there who will be loving and understanding and not take the piss out if you. Who won’t make you have sexy in positions that hurt. Who does that, it’s not right at all. Dump him and move on. He won’t change. He may promise he will but he’s just not into you so he won’t change. I’d forget him and move on. Sorry.

nocluewhattodoo · 24/12/2019 15:59

He sounds fucking awful. Dump and move on to someone who actually gives a shit about you. And maybe think about getting some help with your self esteem, it must be very low to put up with this shit for two years

ohwheniknow · 24/12/2019 16:03

Why? Power and control. You can't change it, this is how he wants things to be.

Why have you put up with this mistreatment for such a long time? Don't you think you deserve better?

Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? might be a good one for you to read.

Why is he like this?
Fatted · 24/12/2019 16:04

Why are you even bothering wasting your time with this idiot?!

You don't even need to finish with him. Just don't bother ringing him ever again, he probably won't bother ringing you!!

category12 · 24/12/2019 16:21

Stop tolerating this shit.

Betteringmyself · 24/12/2019 16:28

He sounds absolutely vile! Do not tolerate this shit OP! Please leave him!!!

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