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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
beck3001 · 28/12/2019 14:50

The only way to show him you're worth more is to be the better person. End things for good, let him know you're not having him back because you deserve better. He will do this to many more girls before he may eventually grow up and realise nobody wants him.

Nutellalovesme · 28/12/2019 17:52

boyfriendproblem
I hope you are okay?

He is a vile cunt and he doesn't even LIKE you let alone love you.

How have you stayed with him for this long?
I hope you will end it with him as soon as you can and block him on everything.
If he turns up at your home call the police.
He is a disgusting vile cruel scumbag and you NEED to get away from him.
If and when you do finish with him you need to be strong enough to not fall for his crocodile tears and possible threats to kill himself. He sounds like the type to manipulate you that way.
He absolutely doesn't love you.
The fact that he tries to force you to have sex is disgusting on top of all the other behaviour. He is mentally and emotionally abusing you and has probably told lies about you to his friends and that's why they treat you the way they do.

He doesn't have an ounce of respect for you and again, he doesn't even like you.
Don't stay with him. He is a scumbag

boyfriendproblem · 28/12/2019 19:02

We got together when I was feeling really bad about myself. I was living with some friends, one of them was my ex boyfriend. We had only just split up and my best friend, who lived nearby was flirting with him and having a go at me about the way I'd treated him. I didn't understand what she was doing but they were doing all this in front of me. I can understand why he was doing it as I'd finished the relationship but I felt really betrayed by her and couldn't understand why she was taking his side and flirting with him. She was coming over to my place and going to his room or staying up with him in the sitting room and ignoring me.

I moved out as soon as I could and had a go at her and she blamed him but like I said, I didn't as he wasn't a friend and I'd finished it with him. He was probably doing it to get back at me.

A couple of months later I met my now boyfriend, I was feeling pretty low about myself anyway at that point, feeling very betrayed and was now living by myself so felt very isolated as I'd moved somewhere cheaper and didn't know anyone in the area.

He was someone I knew from a group of friends, I hadn't really noticed him before but one night we all got drunk and we got together. I should have known at the beginning what it would be like because all his friends high fived him and shook hands with him outside his bedroom, it was really weird. I should have left then.

He comes across as a player with what I'm writing but he's had very little experience with women and isn't sleeping around. He isn't that into sex and we haven't had sex for nearly a year. He has other female friends that he hangs out with as well. I don't think that's the problem, I thought he might be gay as he has a strange attitude to sex. I really don't know.

His friends were like this from the beginning, so it wasn't anything I did. I don't know why he'd be saying things about me behind my back but he wasn't like this at the beginning. He hasn't been like this the whole time. The more I'm pulling away and distancing myself from him (not going out with his friends, not going to his place etc) the wierder his behaviour is getting like with the strange lies.

He accuses me of going off by myself as well, when that's what he's doing. I haven't really spoken to him much, he's not back from his family until January. I told him that if he wants to have a relationship with the girl he's flirting with, to go ahead and get on with it but then he makes out that I'm off my head for suspecting it. If I have a go at him about his behaviour he just blames me for it or tells me I'm imagining it and mad. It's why the whole thing is really confusing as it's me telling him to get lost if he doesn't want to be with me. I'm not chasing around after him.

There's no Freedom Programme near me, the nearest one is miles away from me. I'm at the point where I know I need to split up as the relationship is not getting better and it doesn't matter how many conversations we have about it, it's not changing. The thought of not having him in my life makes me feel ill and have a panic attack though.

It's strange hearing people say he's vile and disgusting because he's so popular with everyone I know.

OP posts:
deepwatersolo · 28/12/2019 19:31

It's strange hearing people say he's vile and disgusting because he's so popular with everyone I know.

There are even serial killers who were super popular with everyone (except for the victims they decapitated). Ted Bundy was quite the charmer. The women abused and even killed by partners who were super popular in their communities are legion. So I don't quite understand what your point is.

Elieza · 28/12/2019 21:06

The only people who are saying he’s great are the ones who do t know the full story. He’s probably telling them all lies about you. He’s a weirdo. He’s dangerous. Get the duck away from him. Now while you still can. I don’t want you ending up a statistic. You deserve better.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/12/2019 22:35

You can do the freedom programme online. Don’t make excuses

Blanketed · 28/12/2019 22:53

OP please re- read your initial post. Then imagine it's a friend of yours posting that. Re-read again. What would you say to your friend? He's treating you this way as you're letting him treat you this way. Remember no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. As for his friends perhaps he's making up things about you. You said he lies. There's nothing you can do about that. Just end this relationship and don't get back with him. Take control before you become a shadow of yourself.

Dawn99 · 28/12/2019 22:56

Think about this: Sex is another way he controls you. My ex refused my sexual advances regularly but watched porn and masterbated instead. He knew I would never cheat on him so I was left feeling very rejected, low and frustrated too.

I’m now with someone who cares deeply for me on every level. But I healed from the previous relationship first. I attended both group and individual counselling to get over the abuse. Ex had convinced me that the abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual) was my fault and there was something wrong with me that was making him behave as he did. I believed that even after I left him.
For those who said your panic attacks will improve after u leave him, I completely agree. Certainly that was my experience.
Finding a hobby helped me hugely. I found a sport I liked and made friends through that. Could u find something like that that’s local to you?

category12 · 29/12/2019 07:47

Do you have anyone in your life who is on your side, who is nice to you, who sticks up for you, op?

Your family are abusive/dysfunctional. So frankly anything they say about him/your relationship is bollocks.

Your boyfriend is abusive. His friends are assholes to you. Anything they say about you/the relationship is bollocks.

Who do you have who has your back? (It's not a failing on your part if you have no-one.)

radioband · 29/12/2019 08:15

You need to get out of the relationship. Regardless of who is at fault etc, you're not happy and never will be! The longer you're in it the more knocks your self esteem is going to take until you don't have the strength to get out it. Please do it now and block him out of your life. In time you'll be much happier and you'll wonder why you never did it sooner. Good luck x

boyfriendproblem · 29/12/2019 13:44

No I don't have anyone who has my back. My flatmate joins in with my boyfriend when he humiliates me and flirts with him as well (though I think she's like that with all blokes as she lost a load of female friends because of flirting). She doesn't like his female friend because of the way she talks down to me though. Apart from that, my friends have boyfriends and spend all their time with them and don't know what's going on/or care.

Yes, he uses sex to reward me as I have a very high libido and like lots of sex. It's something he knows I'm really into and when he's gone too far with his behaviour, like the weekend we went away, he will sleep with me. If he knows I really want to sleep with him, like Valentines, he won't. He'll make excuses, like he did. I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to have sex with their girlfriend.

I used to be very confident sexually and physically - but that has all gone now as he's been putting me down and rejecting me for two years on a regular basis. I don't try to be intimate with him anymore.

He'll make plans to see me, spend an hour at my place then go out for the evening. I feel like he's visiting his grandmother on the way out to have fun. I asked him to stay the other night but he just dropped a fiver on the kitchen counter for me to buy myself a drink and left. He said he'd already made plans.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/12/2019 13:53

I don't think it's going to be easy to leave him, is it?

Still, it's clearly what you have to do. Make plans, OP, including how you resist the offer of sex when he knows he's losing his grip!

Dawn99 · 29/12/2019 14:17

"I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to have sex with their girlfriend."

Because he doesn't get off on sex, he gets off on controlling/punishing/frustrating you. It's that simple really.

FinallyHere · 29/12/2019 14:20

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Online, might just save your life.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 14:24

Oh for goodness sake. Just end it. Now.

Who cares what others think. He's treating you like a piece of shit.

End it and don't go back.

Happydays2019 · 29/12/2019 14:43

What a horrible horrible man he is. I hope YOU find the strength to get him out of YOUR life. He is affecting YOUR self esteem, con fidence and mental wellbeing. YOU deserve so much more and YOU owe it to YOURSELF to put YOU and YOUR needs first. Think about it , nothing has changed with him YOU are suffering and lonely , sad and confused. Please leave him and block him. He will never change but YOU have a chance to have a great career, relationship etc I know ita hard but 2020 could be YOUR year.

HaileySherman · 29/12/2019 14:49

I don't want to be mean, sounds like you get enough of that, but the answer to your question of why he treats you that way is ......because you allow it! Please cut this twat out of your life. Block him on every plstform possible. He is a miserable prick. Without even knowing you, I know you deserve better.

Please use your experience with this jerk as a "what not to tolerate in any relationship" guide for the future. Seriously, he's awful. Fuck him!

alexia84 · 29/12/2019 15:09

I've been with a few people like this. I have experienced abuse in many forms. I'm currently in a less than satisfactory relationship i.e the way he treats me but I have a child/house with him etc etc and other issues I need to sort. One piece of advice for you - Stand up to him. Do it now. Tell him you're leaving him because he's an abusive disgusting prick and you deserve better..he doesn't prioritise you he prioritises his female "friend", his mates, and his pathetic life. So do something good for yourself and tell him to fuck off. You DO NOT want this for your life believe me. Learn new lessons on how to choose men..I am.

Bbbmum · 29/12/2019 15:17

He sounds like a nasty human tbh. I think you’d be better off without him. You can’t change people if they don’t want to change x

deepwatersolo · 29/12/2019 15:25

He'll make plans to see me, spend an hour at my place then go out for the evening.

Why are you even home and available? Go to Yoga class, the spa, the movies - whatever. Or make yourself a wellness night at home where you don't accept visitors. This is ridiculous.

category12 · 29/12/2019 15:32

Make 2020 your year to get a new life, OP.

You're unhappy.
You're wasting your youth.
Your self-esteem is on the floor.
Your immediate circle are all useless.

But you're 26, and you have everything ahead of you. Do something. Move away from them all. Cut them out of your life. Be a holiday rep. Go study. Join a commune. Try something new. Remake your life.

UtterlyPerfectCartoonGiraffe · 29/12/2019 20:29

Op, I was about your age and was in a crap relationship (not quite as bad as yours but getting there towards the end), really struggling with anxiety felt like my life was at a dead end. I dumped him, went to work abroad for a year, ended up staying 10 years, had an amazing time, grew in confidence, made friends, got married... none of that would have happened if I’d carried on trying to make things work with him. Brilliant things are waiting in your future, you just need to be free from this fuckwit so you can find them Flowers

Foofer · 29/12/2019 20:42

You don't need to understand why he's like that, just understand that you deserve better. You shouldn't be wasting yourself on someone who treats you like dirt.

His friends, your flatmate, your friends, everyone who says he's so great - they've just never been on the receiving end. And whatever they think doesn't matter - you are unhappy and no one is entitled to keep you from being happy.

If you don't feel strong enough to tell him it's over just don't contact him. You mentioned earlier that once you didn't initiate contact for two weeks - try that again but use the two weeks (or however long he doesn't acknowledge your existance) to come to terms with the end of what you considered a relationship. Build yourself up, plan your life going forward, get advice on here for how to deal with him trying to reel you back in.

When you are ready you will find a virtual army behind you here, many of whom have dealt with abusive relationships and can tell you what to expect and what he'll try to get you back in line.

You can do this - you deserve better. You Deserve Better

olivertwistwantsmore · 29/12/2019 21:50

Who cares why he treats you like this?
You deserve much much better.

Dump his rude sorry ass and go and find someone better!

No sex at 26 - really????

He sounds awful.

drcb83 · 29/12/2019 23:18

DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY!!!
Seriously! He is a controlling, abusive piece of shite of a human, and the only reason I would say 'don't' is that he will move on to manipulate and abuse someone else.
But they are not your problem - so take your hot sexy young ass to someone who deserves your time. Much Love. Xx

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