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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
Carolamc · 24/12/2019 19:16

It's Christmas Eve, please be with people who love you. You are the same age as my daughter, and If you were her, I would be supporting you, telling you that NO-ONE deserves to be treated like this. If other people are charmed by him, then that is up to them, and him. He makes you feel bad. You can stand up to him and demand better, or find better elsewhere. It is up to you. Be strong.

UtterlyPerfectCartoonGiraffe · 24/12/2019 19:26

I can only echo what others have said, in that you deserve far far better! And he’s not doing this to you because there’s anything wrong with you. He behaves like this because there’s something wrong with him.

And if you’re worried that he’s going to get with someone else after you and treat them like a princess, don’t worry. They never do. You’ll be free and happy, and his next girlfriend will soon be getting the treatment you’re getting.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/12/2019 19:28

Also, why are his friends like this? He tells me it's because of me. He says that I need to change and his behaviour will get better.

Never mind the fucking friends ?! why aren't you asking..why is HE like this... ?

Imagine reading this about someone else OP... you cannot be so deluded to read this and not see that these people are disgusting and he is obviously running you into the gutter to these friends who are allowed to ridicule you and humiliate you.. he does not give a shit about you.. are you paying for everything for him, because I'm failing to see what it is that keeps him with you.. despite his appalling treatment of you ? I'm shocked at how low you self esteem must be to let all these people do this to you over and over and over again Confused

please.... get rid if this Filth...

MsDogLady · 24/12/2019 19:29

He is a sadistic abuser who enjoys treating you like garbage. He gets a charge out of being cruel and contemptuous to you. This is not because of anything you do or don’t do. His twisted ego needs a kicking post and he won’t change.

It also sounds like his primary relationship is actually with his female ‘friend.’

Find your self-respect and dump this toxic loser. Consider seeking counseling to examine why you have been willing to tolerate this heinous abuse.

Pinkybutterfly · 24/12/2019 19:35

Leave the bitch

NaughtyLittleElf · 24/12/2019 19:37

His friends are unpleasant because of the way he portrays you to them, and possibly because they're also not very nice.

Seriously, seek some therapy, dump him and work on your self esteem.

VeryQuaintIrene · 24/12/2019 19:48

How to change it? Chuck him now and find someone nicer.

lexiepuppy · 24/12/2019 20:21

Did you come from an abusive childhood?

Usually we are attracted to someone who reminds us of a parent or sibling who treated us badly.

Research cluster b personality disorders: Narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths and see how many traits match his.

He sounds personality disordered and he will never change, because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and it is all you.

He is an abusive , coercive wanker.

Block, delete and detox him out of your life.

Each time you want to contact him go on YouTube and watch a relationship video by:
Matthew Hussey
Alex Cormont
Susan Winters
Derrick Jaxn
Inner integration
Surviving narcissism

He is an abuser and he will never change.

Work on loving yourself.

1.You can not force someone to love you.

  1. The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.
  2. The only person who can make you truly happy is your self.

Good luck 😉

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/12/2019 20:26

Why is he like this?

Because he really doesn’t like you.

Why put up with this rubbish.

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 20:32

Yes, my childhood was abusive and the way he and his friends treat me is very similar to how my family treat me. My parents are sadistic and like to humiliate me and my brother and sister are the same. They like to watch you get upset and their jackpot is making you cry or storm out.

My bf has started telling bizarre lies as well. They are so strange. I wanted to meet up on a Friday night and asked him where he and his friends would be as we hadn't seen in each in nearly two weeks. He said he would be in a pub he (we) usually went. So I went there and waited all night and he didn't turn up or answer his phone. When I called him the next day, he said he'd been there all night and I can't have seen him. It was obviously a blatant lie. Another time I waited around for him after work and he didn't turn up, I waited two hours. He said we'd never made the arrangements.

He's not just like that with his female friend, he puts all his friends before me. I work in a bar part time and one of his friends tried to get served after hours and was steaming drunk after playing rugby. When I refused to serve him, he leaned over the bar and told me he was going to find out where I lived and burn down my fucking house. My bf who was there took him home to make sure he was ok. In the same way he treated his female friend and had a go at me for upsetting him. I was left to get home by myself.

I think he's just using the relationship to cause drama (which I'm not into) and make me jealous. He keeps making snide remarks about me being crazy and thinking he's having an affair with her. I said, if he was, at least one of us was getting laid.

OP posts:
boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 20:34

If he doesn't like me then why not finish the relationship? We have no children or other commitments. We don't live together, don't share any finances and aren't married.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 24/12/2019 20:36

Ffs girl!
Leave this cunt.
Get counselling.
Do the woman’s aid freedom programme.
Get some boundaries.

SleighOfSparkliness · 24/12/2019 20:39

Well you ARE crazy if you continue to pursue this “relationship”.

He and his friends are vile.

Please just block him and look for new friends and stay single a while.

Get counselling and work on your self esteem.

It’s heartbreaking that you have such little regard for yourself.

Costacoffeeplease · 24/12/2019 20:42

Why don’t you finish the relationship?

NoFun21 · 24/12/2019 20:43

Please get out of this it’s so harmful to you and he doesn’t live you snc will never love you only abuse you.i bet you are lovely and he sounds like a pig.

ohwheniknow · 24/12/2019 20:45

If he doesn't like me then why not finish the relationship?

Because he enjoys holding power over you and he won't have that if he ends the relationship!

End it yourself. And then learn about healthy relationships so you don't keep reenacting your childhood.

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 20:47

I have finished the relationship several times for these reasons and he apologises for his behaviour and makes more of an effort. I've also asked him why he wants to continue when he doesn't want to see me. He never says anything, just stares at me. When I ask him if he even liked me, he just stared at me. He waits until I've finished having a go at him, then carries on as usual. I am disengaging from him as I'm exhausted.

When I say that we've been together over two years and he only wants to see me once a week which isn't good enough, he says that I resent him having friends.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 24/12/2019 20:51

if you're happy being treated like this OP, than soldier on.... Flowers

PicsInRed · 24/12/2019 20:51

If he doesn't like me then why not finish the relationship?

Why do cats torture play with their food before they kill it? For fun - he's a cunt.

category12 · 24/12/2019 20:54

You've picked a partner who replicates the abuse of your childhood. You need to end it and get yourself into counselling and do the freedom programme, and you need to learn what love looks like. Cos this is control and abuse and he doesn't want to split up with you because he'd have to find/train another emotional punchbag.

beautifulstranger101 · 24/12/2019 21:01

OP- he ENJOYS it. I'm so sorry that's hard to hear but its true. He enjoys the control he has over you and the fact that he can treat you like dirt, order you about and you just accept everything, pay for everything and never dump him. You asked him if he liked you and he said nothing. NOTHING. Come on now- surely this says everything about what he thinks of you.

If you stay in this relationship then you can't really complain any longer about his behaviour because at this point, you are a willing participant in your own destruction.

simplekindoflife · 24/12/2019 21:02

You have no ties and no commitments, so why are you sticking around and putting up with this shite?!

It's a sick game to him, he has zero respect for you and this relationship has no future! Get rid OP!

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/12/2019 21:07

I've also asked him why he wants to continue when he doesn't want to see me

Because he wants control.

You know when you dump him he will apologise and do the same thing again and again if you let him.

This is up to you to take back control.

Dump him and ignore his apologies. Make a new life for yourself where you don’t mix with this crowd

I would also put in place some boundaries with regards to your family.

Maybe doing the Freedom programme in the New Year

Then could you set yourself up miles away and start again completely without all the negative influences in your life so you never have to meet any of them again

SpicyRibs · 24/12/2019 21:12

He appears to be a sack of shit.

FFS dump this clown.

You can do better. You deserve better.

lexiepuppy · 24/12/2019 21:14

You are so used to abuse in your childhood, his abuse is normal to you.

You need to research about Complex Ptsd. This is ongoing trauma from childhood.

You need to break free from your own families toxic hold over you as well. You have been surrounded by dysfunction and you don’t know what ‘normal’ is.

Narcissists hate being on their own, that is why he will never let you end the relationship. He is triangulating you with this other girl, but he is not interested in you, his behaviour shows it.

You need to research trauma bonding, as you have had intermittent reinforcement tactics used on you. He was lovely in the beginning and now he is a prick, but you keep waiting for the lovely times, but he is going to keep you hanging on and then he will move onto someone else.
Love bombing, detaching, then discard. The life cycle of the abuser (generally a narcissist).

Start looking these terms up, because knowledge is power when you are dealing with the personality disordered.

You are worth so much more than this wanker and don’t let your toxic family bully you.

Put boundaries in place and watch out for red flags 🚩.Flowers

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