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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2019 03:41

boyfriendproblem

You are too involved with a bunch of people who don’t actually like you.

Do the Freedom programme.

Maybe get yourself some counselling as well.

You grew up in an abusive environment so the people you surround yourself is skewed in favour of people who are like your family.

You have a weird relationship with abuse. Because it is what you know it doesn’t feel as bad as it is.

If you can, dump this guy and don’t take him back.

Make sure you have your phone switched off and don’t take his calls

How long on the lease have you got in your current place?

I would work towards saving up for your next place at least 100 miles away.

You only need a studio flat.

Get yourself a new job, even a new name and move where no one knows you.

Once you have learned from the
Freedom Programme you can put in boundaries for future relationships and see the red flags so you don’t go and get another vile a**e as a bf

It might sound scary to be on your own but it isn’t for long as you will soon get friends who like you for who you are

Better to be alone though than living
in the abusive atmosphere you are currently in

ScreamingLadySutch · 30/12/2019 08:29

@boyfriendproblem

you are here. Talk to us. We care about you, we won't hurt you, we support you. Just keep talking to the vipers. We got your back.

I wish I could rush into your flat and just give you a good, long hug, not even saying anything. Just so you can be in a safe quiet moment and not be alone.

You are utterly overwhelmed right now. Shhhhh. So just use this thread to talk things through slowly, work things out in your head.

You are clearly intelligent and you have got some insight. "I also feel obsessed with the relationship and it's all I can think about." - yes, that is called 'traumatic bonding' and it is like a kicked dog. The more you kick a dog the more they cling on to you.

He also uses 'random acts of kindness' to keep you hooked onto him. Its the same thing they use in casinos to keep people playing 'for the next big win'.

So, what is good in your life? Make a list of people at work who are kind to you, or uni friends you have lost touch with. How about dropping them a line, trying to get together for coffee? There is one thing about being around people who just say 'how are you?'. It reassures you that you are not unspeakably disgusting.
Do you do any sports? Is there maybe a running club or something like that you can join? Even Ramblers to get you the hell away on the weekend. Save yourself, OP.

I see you are temping. Any chance of applying for a permanent job?
Moving to a different flat to be with someone who does't put you down?

It is scary, but one step at a time OP. You need to change your addiction (him - I so get this), and change your environment.

As everyone is telling you, he is a very horrible person who actively enjoys your pain. He gets off on it. This is not love it is power and control and sadism (enjoying his abuse of you).

But I think you need to move geographically (job, flat, area) and then you can go cold turkey with your addiction (him).

Just remember: we are here, and we are on your side. A lot of us have been where you are now, we so understand. We know that terror, that desperation, those panic attacks. There IS a better life on the other side. Let us hold your hand and help you.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/12/2019 08:34

It's strange hearing people say he's vile and disgusting because he's so popular with everyone I know

Ted Bundy was popular, handsome and well dressed. Women found him charming. & he was a serial killer.

What does being popular have to do with it anyway? That's superficial. Lots of street angels house devils out there. The people you think like him so much would likely kick his arse to the kerb if they had to live with him and his obnoxious ways.

Just 26 and wasting your youth on an idiot. Don't admire him because he's Mr Popular - go out and make a life for yourself. Having a man isn't the be all and end all so why make excuses to put up with a shit one when there are decent men out there?

ProfessorPootle · 30/12/2019 11:32

You sound so lovely op, kind and caring, intelligent and articulate. You have so much to offer in a relationship. Your bf is the opposite. He sounds like he has a personality disorder / narcissism. He has nothing to offer in a relationship, he brings nothing but takes instead, sucking the joy out with his horrible behaviour. He’s not bf material. He shouldn’t be entering into relationships, he should be seeking therapy, instead he’s using you as his therapy, his emotional punching bag to give his fragile ego a boost. This is what he wants you for, do you really want to fulfil this role for him?

He would be unable to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone, and is unable to be a good bf no matter what you do or how you act. That’s very sad for him but it’s his problem, not yours. Don’t ever let anyone make their problems your problems. You can’t fix him, no matter how you twist yourself in circles. It won’t work as you’re not causing the problem, he is. He needs professional help.

He is not good enough for you (or anyone) relationship wise. I don’t doubt he’s very charming on a superficial level, this is how narcissists work. Please do some research on this, there are lots of YouTube videos which address why relationships with people like this never work. It’s no fault or failing on your part, this is his problem alone.

You sound as if you are becoming more insightful and have begun to recognise this relationship has no future, it’s not even a relationship really as he brings nothing to it. A healthy relationship should be mutually beneficial and respectful. A good bf will treat you with kindness and love, you’d spend time together which would be fun, you’d bring out the best in each other and feel happy and comfortable in each other’s company. I’m sorry to say what you have with this person is the absolute opposite, he demeans and humiliates you, he treats you appallingly for his own benefit (ego) but has no care for your feelings or needs which has had a detrimental affect on your self esteem and mental health. He isn't a bf he’s an abuser. And now it’s an addiction for you, this is trauma bonding, it’s part of the cycle of abuse. Again please google YouTube for info about this.

I know how hard it is to escape a person like this, I had a controlling boyfriend at uni with a personality disorder who took over my life. I wanted to get rid from 3m in and it took me til 18m to break up with him. It was horrible and no one at uni realised what he was like as he had a lovely persona when we were out (to others).

I want you to know it is possible to escape and move on in your life, I did it, it was incredibly hard at the time (I’m not going to lie) but with each passing day got easier. Really quite quickly I felt so free and happy to be me again, I made new friends, finished uni, built a career.... I moved on and have never entertained a person like this in a relationship again as I recognised the signs earlier. It’s your life, you can do it.

I understand you are feeling anxiety about it so go back to the gp, panic attacks are horrible and are affecting your ability to work so get an appointment as soon as possible and explain this. Explain the abusive relationship. Your gp has a duty of care towards you especially if you are unable to work, medication is an option. Make sure you are on the waiting list for counselling. Google self help therapies as well, lots of good meditation and calming videos on YouTube.

It’s almost 2020, it’s a great time to start afresh. It seems like your whole life no one has ever put you or your needs first, but the thing is you don’t need someone else to do that for you, you can do that for yourself. Now is the time op! Small things like taking a bubble bath, lighting candles, reading a good book, doing some yoga or stretching at home. Get yourself a notebook and write how you feel, get everything out, write it all down, it’s so cathartic. Small steps for now until you’ve got some help with the anxiety Flowers

LannieDuck · 30/12/2019 12:13

Do you want to be treated this way?

People will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. You don't deserve to be treated so badly; stop letting it happen.

Dump him, don't let him back. Expect to be treated better by your next partner.

CallmeAngelina · 30/12/2019 12:39

I think you just haven't found "your people." You're only 26, there's plenty of time.
The boyfriend I had before dh was horrible to me. We had separate social circles as his lot were just weird. I had nothing in common with any of them and they clearly didn't like me either.
When I finally saw sense and dumped him, and got together with dh (who had been a mate for years), it was like coming home and slipping into old slippers. His friends at the time are still with us 25 years on.

TheReef · 30/12/2019 13:13

He's acting like this because he's a prick

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